When I Lost You: A Gripping, Heart Breaking Novel of Lost Love.(11)
‘I know that until you were thirteen or fourteen, you were sure that it was inevitable that you’d end up just like Mike.’
There are two words we don’t ever use when we’re talking about Leo’s family. The first word is ‘step’ – although Teresa is technically his step-sister, and Andrew his step-father. To Leo they are simply family, and on the odd occasion when I’ve used the ‘step’ prefix by mistake, he has always corrected me instantly. The other word we don’t use is ‘Mike’ – Leo’s biological father’s name. We have had exactly three conversations about Mike in four years, and I initiated every one of them. Leo does not dwell on the unhappy periods of his childhood and he prefers not to speak about them, but I have become convinced that those times have marked him in a way that is every bit as real as the tattoos that cover his arms and shoulders.
Now, when I say Mike’s name, Leo’s shock is palpable – as I knew it would be. With that one word I have proved to him that he has trusted me with the depths of his inner world. Nothing at all about his outer life these days would even acknowledge Mike’s existence.
‘You were actually completely wrong about who you are until you experienced a little bit more of the world and you learnt differently,’ I say quietly. ‘It was the same kind of revelation when we met.’ I search for a way to articulate it. I hadn’t understood the breadth and depth of real love before I met Leo. In the past I’d thought I’d loved boyfriends, but in hindsight I can see that those feelings were shallow and fragile. The love I had for Leo was something unique and special – something altogether different, although it’s painful to acknowledge that now even to myself. I sigh and look at Leo again. His gaze is guarded, but he’s watching me closely.
‘It was as if I’d only ever felt in black and white before, and then falling in love with you was my first experience of colour. And I know it was like that for you too. We fell very hard, very fast, and every idea we had about the future had to be reconsidered because the world was suddenly a different place.’ I wrinkle my nose as I fumble for the right words. ‘It was just that good, you know?’
‘It would have to have been,’ Leo says. He’s still frowning, but I can see that my explanation has gone at least some way towards convincing him. ‘So, where did we meet, then?’
‘I emailed you to ask you some questions about Dec. We met up to discuss that, and things evolved from there.’ His face is set in a fierce frown. I recognise intense concentration and give him a minute or two. I wonder if he’s remembering something and after a while curiosity gets the better of me. I touch his arm very gently. ‘Leo?’
He sinks heavily back against his pillows. The frown gives way to weariness.
‘I just can’t remember. It still doesn’t… none of this makes sense.’
‘Give it some time?’
‘Something is right there… I don’t even know if it’s a memory…’ he mutters, pointing at his forehead. ‘It’s just like when a word is on the tip of your tongue, exactly that feeling. Maybe if I can figure out what it is…’
‘Try to be patient, Leo. I don’t think you can force this,’ I say.
He sighs. ‘I’m not good at being patient.’
‘Oh, I know that!’ I say wryly. He glances at me again.
‘Did they tell you I can’t move my legs properly?’
Tears loom as I nod, but I force them away with some determined staccato blinking. We sit in silence for a moment, then Leo asks hesitantly, ‘Since apparently I don’t know my own life these days, tell me… does it work at all if I’m in a wheelchair? Because the way I remember it, it just wouldn’t.’
I meet his gaze and I keep my expression neutral and it’s possibly the most courageous thing I’ve ever done. As I raise my chin and stiffen my spine I force every weakness out of myself because I want him to see that I am facing this bravely and that he can too. I can blubber later, and I will. ‘Firstly,’ I say, ‘no one is saying the wheelchair will be a long-term thing. I signed organ donation forms for you two weeks ago and now you’re sitting up in bed, talking. You’ve already proven that you refuse to do what anyone expects of you and there’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll get those legs working again through sheer force of will. And until then, we’ll adjust.’
But I’m not the strong one in our relationship. I’m the one who sulks at the drop of a hat and feels so deeply that I can’t sort out a good decision from a bad one once my heart gets involved. If it’s up to me to help Leo navigate this terrifying possibility, he’s doomed – but he doesn’t know that yet, and it’s sure as hell not the time to show him. He seems surprised by the strength of my declaration, and after he ponders it for a moment, he offers me a weak smile. His eyelids look heavy and he’s pale again but he’s smiling and I feel an immense sense of satisfaction that I’ve brought him at least a little comfort.
‘I feel like I’m having a really trippy dream,’ he admits. He sinks further down into the pillows and I take a seat beside his bed and fish out my iPad from my bag. He glances at it. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’ve got emails to deal with, and you have a date with some real dreams,’ I tell him. ‘We can talk some more later and I’ll be here when you wake up.’