When Darkness Falls(35)

A siren sounded outside. Devon squared his shoulders, crossed the kitchen, and put his arms around Haley. He kissed her bare skin above her collarbone. Despite the spark she felt, Haley pushed him away. He hadn’t fallen asleep on purpose. Yet she felt too disconnected from him, too frustrated at the turn their lives had taken, to make love with him now.

“Didn’t you miss me?” he said.

“We need to talk.”

“Later.”

“Now. Later you’ll fall asleep.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“I know that. But we need to spend time together outside of bed. I talked with your friend Tom—who by the way I didn’t realize you barely know—after we played and it hit me that it’s been forever since you’ve looked at me when we talk. Or listened. Or met my eyes.”

“I’m distracted. It’s hard to focus. You know that.”

“I know it. But I need more. Look, when I was out with Tom, I had such a good time, and it bothered me. We don’t have a good time anymore.”

Devon pulled back. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened. But it could have. Not that I would do that, but there was something there, something you and I seem to be missing.”

Taking her hands, Devon looked into Haley’s eyes. “You said you wouldn’t leave me because there was something wrong with me.”

“I’m not leaving. And it’s not because something’s wrong with you. But we used to sing together. Play cards. Talk. I miss all of that.”

“You have no idea how much I think about you, Haley.” Devon pressed her hands to his chest. She felt his heartbeat. It was steady and a little too fast. “About what this is doing to you. How I wish things were the way they used to be. It’s that by the time you get home it’s the end of the day and I’m tired. And then, in the middle of the night, I’m wide awake and you’re asleep. That’s the only time I have energy, and I think all kinds of things, wonder how you are and how you’re feeling. My head is filled with thoughts, my body is wired. Sometimes I wish you’d happen to wake up and we could talk. But I don’t wake you because it seems selfish, because I’m not there for you when you’re awake, why should I wake you because I finally feel like talking? And then all I think about is how bad I feel, and there’s no point in my telling you that over and over.”

Haley swallowed hard and willed herself to keep pushing him, because all she wanted to do was tell him everything would be fine.

“I need you to put aside your anxiety once in while. Focus on something else.”

“It’s hard.”

“Try. Find one other thing to talk about. Something positive, something you read during the day, or a song you listened to, or an idea about your music. Anything other than what’s wrong with you.”

“I’ll try. I will.”

“And take your eyes off the TV when I’m in the room. Please.”

“I promise.”

“And maybe ask about me every now and then?” It felt pathetic that she needed to ask her husband to do that. But if she didn’t say it, he probably would never realize that she needed it.

“Yes.”

Devon’s lips grazed her forehead. Haley let herself relax against him. They hadn’t resolved much, but at least she was getting better at raising things that bothered her, not waiting until a crisis.

“And this one window stays open when I’m home,” she said. “At least this one.”

“All right.”

“I’ll prop the cardboard in it before I leave.”

“Okay.”

Haley gathered her hair in back into a ponytail and held it off her neck, feeling the breeze from the window. It reminded her of the refrigerator.

“Are you eating?”

“What?” Devon let his arms drop away from her. He stepped back a fraction.

“Everything I bought Thursday is still in the refrigerator. It’s like you didn’t eat.”

“What did you do, measure the orange juice?”

Haley flushed, but told him it worried her, that she knew he couldn’t be eating much because they hardly spent any money on groceries.

“Sometimes I eat out with Al. He buys.”

“And the other times?”

Jaw set tight, Devon backed into the doorway again and stood with his arms crossed. “Maybe my metabolism is low.”

“No one’s is that low.”

Devon’s shoulders sagged. “You could be right. I can’t remember anything I’ve eaten this weekend. But I’m not hungry.”

“Have you talked to Dr. Richardson about it? The food thing?”

“Not yet. But I will.”

“All right.” Haley decided they ought to leave it at that. “I’m taking a shower. After that, I’ll show you how much I missed you.”

When she got out, she wrapped herself in a towel. She found Devon in the living room. He stood completely still when she pressed against him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He took her hand, as if to lead her into the bedroom, then stopped. “Maybe we better sit.”

Haley’s stomach dropped. She pulled the towel tighter around herself. They sat, side by side on the sofa, half-facing each other.