What Doesn't Destroy Us (The Devil's Dust #1)(78)

“When I joined the MC, Bobby and I were instructed to kill a potential witness, a rat. Bobby wussed out, so I did it. When I killed that person was when I realized how numb I had become over the years. Suddenly, I felt alive, raw and powerful for the first time, finally in control of something.

“Bobby and I were sent to take out a lot of threats after that. When I would kill, for a brief second, I would feel something other than the numbness that had become my tomb. The recoil brought back a high that no drug or * could offer. It became an addiction.” His vivid blue eyes go gray. “I was good at it and I enjoyed it.”

Shadow pauses, looking at me for something, but I am dumbstruck with the information he is giving me. He enjoys killing people; his dark shadow is something I can never compare myself to.

“Word got out how good I was and I did jobs for local clubs. They said I was the kid that lives within his Shadow, no soul, no remorse. Eventually, word got out further and I did side jobs for civilians.” He looks at me, his eyes penetrating down to my soul.

I don't know what to say; he is a hit man. I didn’t think for a million years that the man I love would enjoy killing people and get paid to do it. That it would be the only way he could escape his demons. If I feel deep down, I feel sorry for him. I feel like I could stab Cassie a million times for what she did to him, what she has made him.

“Say something,” he says, snapping me from my thoughts.

“That’s how you’re so rich?” I ask, in a trance.

“What? I’m no millionaire. I get paid; I get paid well. I don’t use much of it, so it has piled up over the years,” he says, standing.

“When was the last time you did it?” I ask.

“Not since before you showed up; I don't feel the need to. You bring me out of my darkness. When I tried to push you away, I felt the need to do it; helpless and out of control.” He walks up to me and grabs my cheeks and looks into my eyes.

“So, you won’t do it anymore?” I ask, hopeful. Shadow sighs and runs his hands through his hair back and forth before looking at me.

“I won’t do it out of the club anymore, no. What Bull and the club need of me, is out of my control,” he says. I shake my head in knowing, as my eyes sting to hold back tears.

I look up at him, and see him staring at me, needing me to accept him. I love Shadow, even if it comes with a darkness. Who am I to judge, I have dark shadows as well. Who’s to say mine aren’t as messed up as his.

“Why didn’t you trust me to tell me this sooner? Were you afraid I would run to the cops or leave you?” I question.

Shadow shrugs.

“Kind of both,” he answers truthfully.

Given my mother’s history of running off, I can see why he would get that assumption. Truth be told, if I were not completely smitten with Shadow, I probably would have run far away from him before.

I look around at the house and the clothes he bought; all paid for by blood. The blood of innocent people?

“What kind of people did you have to kill?” I ask. His jaw ticks, he’s getting frustrated with my questions.

“I don't know. I never asked why I was hired, I just did it and got paid,” he says sternly before looking at me.

“Well, there was one time I asked why. When I received my info on the hit, I saw it was on a female minor. I have never had to kill a minor.” Shadow stops and looks at me. I can tell he is uneasy about giving me this kind of information. I take his hands, so big they swallow mine, and give a reassuring squeeze.

“You can trust me,” I whisper.

“When I asked the reasoning for the termination, I was told the girl was a babysitter the family had hired since the child was born. One day the girl was caught hitting the baby. It was so bad the child was sent to the hospital. She hit that baby to make it stop crying, they said.” Shadow looks up at me, darkness swimming in his eyes.

“I took the bitch out with pleasure,” he says.

I look back at him, in understanding. If my child was hurt under someone else’s watch and was a minor looking to slide under the system for her actions, I would have hired Shadow, too.

“Don’t look at me like I’m some f*cking hero, I doubt everyone I killed was in the wrong,” he says, snapping me from my fantasy.

“Look, I know it’s a lot to take in. I would understand if you wanted to leave-“

I cut Shadow off. “I’m not going anywhere,” I say quickly.

“I was going to say, if you wanted to leave, too damn bad, you’re my Ol' Lady now.” His lips come up into a sinister smirk, reminding me I am his, until he says otherwise.





We arrive at the apartment after our week of luxurious bliss and sinister truths to find it trashed and foul smelling.

“Oh, my God, what’s that smell?” I ask, covering my face with the crook of my arm.

Shadow comes in behind me without luggage and winces at the smell.

“That would be Bobby, man is a f*cking pig,” he mumbles, not pleased.

“Bobby!” Shadow yells, kicking through the trash on the floor.

“Bobby!” he yells again.

“I don’t think he’s here,” I say, trying to make a path to the kitchen.

I hear Shadow growl and curse as he makes his way to our bedroom, earning a chuckle from me.