We Are Okay(19)

I didn’t wait around to see if her eyes would find their way back and if the right words would follow. I heard Mabel’s door slam and I ran up after her. She was digging through her drawers and saying how stupid all her clothes were, even the good things, but I didn’t listen because I was trying to figure out what to do. I had the pair of jeans that I’d worn over but my shirt was too plain. So I took off the dress and picked up the scissors Mabel kept on her desk and I cut the dress right below the waist.

“What are you doing?” Mabel said. “You don’t have to change.”

“It’ll look better like this anyway,” I said.

I pulled the jeans up and tucked in the fraying seam of what used to be a dress. I looked in the mirror and it was true—it looked better. And when we went back downstairs Javier complimented Mabel’s new outfit and kissed her on the forehead while she muttered “whatever” and rolled her eyes. And Ana jumped up from her place on the sofa and took my hands.

“You look beautiful,” she said. “Good choice.”

I was buoyant with gratitude as we left the house. Mabel’s parents called their reminders that we take a car home, not ride with our friends if they’d been drinking, not walk if it was after eleven. We called back our okays. I drifted down Guerrero Street, a girl with her best friend, a maker of good choices.



Too many people were at Ben’s house. They crowded the foyer and the kitchen, made it difficult to hear anything anyone said to us. Mabel gestured to the kitchen, and I shook my head. It wasn’t worth it. I caught a glimpse of Ben in the living room and grabbed Mabel’s hand.

“Where’s Laney?” I asked him when we were settled there on the soft green rug, the city lights through the windows, the nostalgia of everything taking me over. In seventh grade, Ben and I had spent a few months kissing each other until we realized we had more fun talking. I hadn’t been in that room with him for a long time, but even with everyone else there, and the loudness of it, the way people were showing off for one another and getting wilder, I remembered our mellow afternoons, just him and me and the dog, once we discovered that we were meant to be just friends.

“I shut her in my parents’ room,” he said. “She gets nervous around too many people. You could go say hi to her, though, if you want. You remember where the treats are?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I do.”

It had been years, but I could picture the tin of dog treats on a shelf next to a stack of cookbooks. I wove my way past the groups of people and into the hall by the kitchen, and there was the tin, just as I’d remembered. Ben’s parents’ room was quiet, and Laney whimpered when I walked in. I closed the door behind me and sat on the carpet, fed her five treats, one after the next, the way we used to do when Ben and I were thirteen. I stayed in there, petting her head for a little bit longer, because it felt special to be somewhere other people weren’t allowed to go.

When I got back to the living room and sat between Mabel and Ben, they were in the midst of a conversation with Courtney and a few other people. “We’re basically the only teenagers in the city,” a boy said. “All the private schools are worried because they’re losing students every year.”

Courtney said, “We might move.”

“Whaaat?” Ben shook his head. “You’ve been my neighbor for, like, ever.”

“I know. It’s crazy. But I share a room with my brother, and it’s not that cool anymore. When he was a little kid, fine. But now that he’s hitting puberty? Not so much.”

“Where would you go?” I asked her.

San Francisco always felt like an island to me, surrounded by the mythical East Bay with its restaurants and parks and North Bay with its wealth and its redwoods. South of the city was where our dead were buried—but not my mother, whose ashes returned to the ocean that killed her, which was also the ocean she loved. South of that were little beach towns, and then Silicon Valley and Stanford. But the people, everyone I knew, everyone I’d ever known, all lived in the city.

“Contra Costa,” Courtney said.

“Gross,” Ben said.

“You’ve probably never even been there.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Snob!” Courtney punched his leg. “It’s fine there. A lot of trees. I’m just so ready to have three bedrooms.”

“We have three bedrooms. It can’t be that hard to find. Maybe go out to the Sunset. That’s where Marin lives.”

“How big is your place?” Courtney asked me.

“It’s a house,” I said. “It’s pretty big. I think three bedrooms.”

“What do you mean, you think?”

“My grandpa lives in the back and I live in the front. I think there are two rooms back there. Maybe three.”

Courtney’s eyes narrowed.

“You haven’t been in the back of your house?”

“It’s not that weird,” I said. “He has a study and a bedroom, but the bedroom opens up to something, either a big closet or a small room. I’m just not sure if it’s technically a bedroom or not.”

“Bedrooms have to have closets or else they aren’t considered bedrooms,” Eleanor, daughter of real-estate-agent parents, informed us.