Under Pressure (Body Armor #1)(123)

“Me?” No one ever asked her that. She didn’t have Cissy’s problems. No, her problems were small and insignificant in comparison.

“There were only the two of you?”

“Yes.” Although often she’d felt invisible in Cissy’s gloomy shadow. “She was eight years older.” Trying for a careless smile, she added, “Pretty sure I was a mistake, you know?”

Rather than reply to that, he asked, “Was she always troubled?”

Laughing without humor, her expression pained, Tonya shrugged. “For as long as I can remember.” Somehow, without her really realizing it, Jesse steered her to the kitchen. Why did all big discussions take place there?

He pulled out a chair. “She must’ve gotten a lot of the attention.”

“The squeaky wheel gets oiled.” Tonya winced over that blatant complaint, but then went ahead and expounded on the truth. “Cissy didn’t just squeak, she screamed. Trouble. All the time. Over everything.” As if a dam had burst, her words came rushing out, her hurt and resentment mixing together. “My parents had to work, and they had to always help Cissy. Financially, emotionally, in every way you can imagine.”

“I guess that didn’t leave much time for you?”

“It left no time. I was expected to be the easier child, and so I was.”

“That’s pretty impressive, you know. You could have gone the opposite way and followed Cissy’s example.”

“Ha! Not likely.” She covered her face with her hands, embarrassed over her pettiness, hating her own resentment of the past, but it felt so good to say it aloud, to get it out of her head. “I got in trouble at school once. You’d have thought the world ended. Dad lectured me, telling me how unfair it was to my mother to burden her that way because, after all, I already knew she had her hands full with Cissy. He was so disappointed in me. And Mom cried. I think the idea that two kids would cause problems just overwhelmed her. She was in bed sick for two days—until Cissy had another meltdown and needed her.”

Appalled, Jesse took her hands and stared into her eyes. “What did you do to get in trouble?”

“I skipped a class, went out with a friend and tried smoking.” Remembering her own ridiculous attempt at rebelling, she wrinkled her nose. “It was so dumb. The cigarette was awful, the repercussions worse. Believe me, I never tried anything like that again.”

“So you never got to sow your wild oats?”

She shrugged. “Did you?”

“Sure.”

She would love to hear all about Jesse and his misspent youth. “Admittedly, I’m starting late. But here I am, sitting at the table with a bona fide gorgeous hunk who, starting tomorrow, will let me wallow in lust. Better late than never, huh?”

Her joke fell flat, leaving Jesse frowning instead of smiling.

“When did you lose your parents?”

She rolled a shoulder, wishing they could move on from her tale of woe. “I was twenty. Cissy wasn’t around. I knew how badly my folks would have wanted her there, but she didn’t answer my calls or even show up for the funeral.” Anger swelled. Anger and hurt. “She accepted her half of their estate though. For a while there, I hoped it would make a difference for Kevin. He was only five then. I’m not sure he even remembers Mom and Dad since their last year, Cissy got really bad. She lived with this one creep that my parents hated. So many nights they’d miss sleep worrying.”

“And what about you? Did you worry?”

She averted her gaze. “About Kevin. But I got so angry at Cissy, especially after she blew the nice sum of money she got after I settled their affairs. Sometimes I wished...” Swallowing down that awful thought, she shook her head. “Mom had always said that Cissy couldn’t help it, that she needed our help, but she made everyone miserable. Even her son.”

Slowly, Jesse reclaimed her hand. His thumb moved over her knuckles. “Kevin still loved her.”

“Because he’s supposed to! I know because it’s the same way I feel.” She pressed a fist to her heart. “If she’d been a stranger, a neighbor or a friend, I’d have cut her out of my life and moved on. But we were related, and right or wrong, I couldn’t help but love her. Not because of any closeness, or fond memories—there was none of that. I just...”

“Loved her because she was your sister.”

Breathing harder, she nodded. It made no sense, not then and not now. “It’s a burden that Kevin shouldn’t have to bear.”

“I agree it’s unfair. But that’s life, honey. We play the hand we’re dealt.”

She wanted to throw away that hand and get new cards. Except...that would mean throwing away Kevin too. And Jesse. And she didn’t want that. Ever.

“I hate what you went through, what you didn’t have, and what you had to put up with. But however your life used to be, you’re exactly what Kevin needs now.” His fingers laced in hers. “And you’re who I want.”

Sexually. But he’d also mentioned her head and heart...

Lifting her hand, Jesse kissed her knuckles. “I’m glad you’re you,” he whispered. “And, Tonya?”

Very uncertain, she said, “Yes?”

“I promise to help you sow plenty of wild oats.”