Uncontrollable Temptations (Tempted #3)(49)
“Hi, son,” I whispered hoarsely, “Happy birthday.”
I bowed my head and wiped viciously at the tears that fell from my eyes. I had no right to cry, not in front of him. At first I didn’t cry because I never wanted him to see my tears. He was all alone, no mommy to dry his tears or daddy to ease his fears. The last thing he needed was to see me cry when I was supposed to be the one who told him it was all going to be all right. It was my job to tell him he was in a better place. He was safe. He was in God’s hands and there was no one better off to protect him than he.
Lies.
Every single word.
He wasn’t better off. Nothing would ever be all right. He shouldn’t be in this place and the only hands that should’ve kept him safe were mine.
I reached behind me and pulled the Yankee cap from my back pocket and brought it around, tracing the famous symbol with my finger and bending the rim of the hat. I gripped the hat in my hand as I lifted my head and stared at the stone.
“I had a dream of you last night,” I started. “You were calling out to me but I didn’t recognize your voice at first. It wasn’t the high pitched sound of a baby calling ‘dada,’ or even ‘daddy.’ I think I only heard you say daddy a few times before I didn’t anymore. Is it horrible I don’t remember? I’ve tried for the last thirteen years to remember every day of the two years you lived but your dad’s mind isn’t always on his side. Things get fuzzy for me every once in a while and you slip away from me,” I said, my words catching in my throat. I took a deep breath and tried to gain control over myself. “Anyway, I didn’t recognize your voice because for the first time, I didn’t dream of the boy I lost but instead I dreamt of the young man you never became,” I cried, not able to stop the tears as the reality of my words hit me.
“You weren’t the chubby baby wobbling around getting into everything, looking to explore, you were a young man, a teenager. Today would’ve been your fifteenth birthday and I know now what you would’ve looked like. Handsome little devil, just like your old man,” I tried to tease, like I imagine I would’ve had he lived. These were the years a boy turned more to his father when he learned what it was to become a man and when he noticed there were other women in this world besides his mother. I bet we would’ve had fun with that.
“You know, we may never have had the chance to do all the things a father and son get to do, but you should know in my dreams we’ve done it all. I’ve taught you how to ride your bike. I’ve watched you fall down and I’ve picked you up. We’ve had a catch and we’ve played games where I’ve let you win. And as you got older I didn’t let you win, I made you earn the title of champion. I’ve taught you it’s okay to lose sometimes. I’ve taught you the value of a dollar. I’ve taught you respect. You’ve climbed on my bike and pretended to ride it and I’ve made you drive my car while sitting on my lap. We’ve joked around, we’ve teased your sister, and we even pissed your mother off a time or two. We’ve done it all,” I whispered. “And in all those dreams I’ve never seen your face. Not until last night.”
I lifted my head and looked up at the sky, taking a moment to reign myself in before continuing.
“You told me you missed me,” I cried, bowing my head and succumbing to the grief. “And you should know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you too. I wish it was me, it should’ve been me and I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry that it’s not me visiting you in your dreams. I’m sorry you ran outside. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention to you. I’m sorry my mind got the best of me and I let my pride take your life.”
“I’m on medicine now, I got help, and I try to be better. I try not to let my mind win anymore. An old friend made me realize your sister still needs a dad. I know you do too, I know you’re alone and I’m always torn between the two of you. But the truth is, your old man isn’t the greatest of guys. I’ve done a lot of bad shit, hurt a lot of good people, still hurting people, and even if I lay down and die I’m not sure I’d be reunited with someone as pure as you. So I stay here, I stay for Lacey because as long as I’m here at least I know I have one of you, I can do right by one of you. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong but then again the difference between the two is lost on me.”
I glanced down at the hat, remembering it was in my hand and that when he appeared in my dream he was wearing one similar.
“This was mine when I was a kid,” I said, placing the hat gently on the ground before the stone. “My old man bought it for me before he surprised me and took me to my first real ball game. In my dream you were wearing a Yankee hat and when you turned the hat backward it was like looking at you for the very first time. I’m sorry I never got to take you to a real baseball game but I’m glad you’re a Yankee fan. Always knew you’d be a smart boy.”
I slowly rose to my feet, running my hand along the stone.
“Happy birthday, Jack. I love you and I’m so proud that someone thought enough of me to make me the man you called dad, even if it was only for a little while, and only in my dreams,” I whispered. Taking a step back, my eyes focused on the words engraved in his headstone before I turned and walked away, leaving my boy behind, along with another piece of my soul.