Unbeloved (Undeniable #4)(50)
Get it together, he commanded himself. Get your shit together.
Only he didn’t see how he could. If Deuce’s actions were anything to go by, once the rest of the boys found out their plans and once Dorothy knew what he had to do, the next few weeks were going to be hell on his emotions.
Goddamn, he didn’t want to hurt that woman, not again. She’d been hurt her entire life by nearly everyone in it.
“I’m sorry,” Deuce said quietly.
Still gripping the blanket, Hawk swallowed hard and shook his head. “No,” he gritted out through clenched teeth. “Nothin’ to be sorry for. If it weren’t for you, I never would’ve made it this long.” Looking Deuce directly in the eye, he stared hard at the man. “Never would’ve met Dorothy, and never would’ve had my boy. Never woulda had nothin’ worth havin’.”
Deuce’s eyes narrowed, and his face contorted with angry lines. “I didn’t do it for you,” he spat, suddenly sounding as angry as he looked. “Didn’t do it for Cox or for Ripper.” He turned, pinning Ripper with a glare before turning back to Hawk.
“Didn’t do it for Dirty either, didn’t do it for any of you. Picked your sorry asses up off the street, gave you a place to stay, put food in your bellies and clothes on your backs . . . I did all that f*ckin’ shit for me.
“I did that shit for me,” he repeated forcefully, slapping his hand onto his chest. “My old man had a club full of mean old bastards just like him, that’s what that motherf*cker left me with. I had to clean f*ckin’ house, bring in boys I knew would be loyal to me and only to me, and who better to be loyal than a piece of shit like you, eatin’ out of the f*ckin’ garbage can, wanted by the f*ckin’ law. I knew if I saved you . . .”
Deuce glared at him through red-rimmed eyes flashing with emotion. Behind him, Ripper was staring at their prez, looking shocked. That made two of them. Never before had anyone seen this sort of show of emotion from Deuce. But at the same time, Hawk was grateful for the unexpected outburst, as it caused his own emotions to even out somewhat, allowing him to loosen his death grip on the poor, mutilated blanket and unclench his teeth. For some reason, he’d always been more apt to remain calm while others unraveled, and this was no different.
“I knew if I saved you,” Deuce continued, “you piece of shit, that you’d be willin’ to lay down and die for me and this f*ckin’ club! This shit is my fault, you f*ckin’ feel me? My fault!”
“Prez,” Hawk said quietly. “This ain’t your burden to bear. It’s mine, always has been. Fact is, no matter your reasons, you gave me a life I never woulda had, and whether you want to accept it or not, I’m thankin’ you for that. Now, the club comes before anything else, always has, always will, and I’ll do my part because I’m a Horseman first, and we do what we gotta do to keep the club goin’. No matter what.”
His words didn’t have the calming effect on Deuce that he hoped they would have; if anything, they seemed to agitate him further. No longer still, Deuce was shifting from foot to foot, his brow furrowed, his features pinched.
Hawk didn’t know what to do, what to say, so he did and said nothing at all, planning to just wait out the tumultuous storm that was Deuce West. But no storm came, and surprisingly enough Deuce seemed to be able to get himself under control before the impending explosion could happen. Shoving his hands into the pockets of his leathers, Deuce schooled his expression. Although his body remained rigid, not a trace of anger could be found in his features.
Odd, Hawk thought, that so much had changed in such a short period of time. Looked like he wasn’t the only one who had done some growing up recently.
“I’ll get Christopher here,” Deuce said shortly. “I’ll send Tegen and Cage tomorrow. Ain’t like they got shit better to do than slap each other around anyway.”
And with that, he left. Just turned and marched across the room, shoving Ripper out of his way, and then he was gone, leaving Hawk staring after him.
As Ripper and Hawk turned to look at each other, Hawk found the man looking him over, his expression rather sad.
“Prez told you?”
Ripper nodded. “Cornered him, made him tell me what the f*ck was goin’ on with you.”
“You still pissed?” Hawk asked.
Ripper shrugged. “No.” A couple of silent seconds followed, then, “Wanna play video games?”
“Brother,” Hawk said. “If you can get the TV up here, I’m f*ckin’ down. I’ve been stuck readin’ Tegen’s damn books.”
“Say no more,” Ripper said, grimacing.
When Ripper disappeared into the hallway, Hawk sank back down into his pillows and closed his eyes. Blowing out a deep, noisy breath, he willed himself not to be a *. After all, he’d spent the second half of his life expecting this day to someday come, waiting for it even.
He just hadn’t expected it to come after he’d finally gotten everything he’d always wanted. That, more than anything else, really f*cking sucked.
Chapter Sixteen
“You forget how to chop wood, son?”
Jase glared at his father.
No, he hadn’t f*cking forgotten how to chop wood; he’d f*cking forgotten how to function without some sort of liquor coursing through his veins.