Unattainable (Undeniable, #3)(65)
Studying her, he frowned. “You f*cked-up?”
Ellie erupted in giggles and Dirty got his answer. His thoughts took a nose dive into the gutter and he started wondering just how f*cked-up she was and what he could get her to do in the state she was in.
“You really are beautiful,” Ellie continued in a whisper. Dirty watched her arm lift, watched her hand coming toward his face, and went rigid. For a moment he was unable to move, to blink, to so much as breathe and then…
Her soft, slightly damp palm connected with his cheek and his body involuntarily shuddered through unfamiliar sensations of the joining.
“You could have been a model,” she said.
His eyes squeezed closed. He’d thought he’d never wanted to hear those words again, but coming from Ellie, it didn’t make him crazy with rage, instead it…
It hurt. It f*cking ached.
It made him wish he could erase his past, be a different man, one who was worthy of the face he’d been given, one who hadn’t been chewed up and spit out repeatedly because of it. One who hadn’t become everything he’d hated.
He felt Ellie’s hand shift on his cheek and his eyes flew open just in time to watch Ellie’s lips meet his. Nausea rose in his stomach, causing Dirty to tremble. What the f*ck? What the f*ck was he supposed to do? He didn’t know, he didn’t f*cking know, goddamn, he didn’t motherf*cking know!
A tear born from frustration and self-hatred slid from the corner of his eye and down his nose, landing on their joined lips. Ellie’s eyes opened and then she was gone, her hand, her lips, everything, was just gone.
“My God,” she whispered, wiping her thumb across her bottom lip, seeing the moisture there from his tear. “I’m so sorry, Michael,” she breathed as she turned away from him. “I didn’t mean to…”
No. No, she couldn’t kiss him and then nothing. His mind spun. He wanted her. He was aching for her. But he didn’t know what the f*ck he was supposed to do. He couldn’t kiss her, he couldn’t keep letting her touch him.
He slammed into her from behind, reaching immediately around her body, encircling her stomach and slapping his hand across her mouth before her startled shriek turned into screams.
Ellie whimpered under his hand and Dirty felt the sharp pang of guilt spear through his gut.
“I’m not gonna hurt you, baby,” he whispered hoarsely. “You trust me, right?”
Baby.
The term of endearment had passed so easily from his mouth and yet he was frozen in shock. He’d never once called a woman anything other than her name or some derogatory term in place of it.
Until now. Until right f*cking now.
Several tense heartbeats passed before she nodded quickly. Relief filled him. She trusted him. She f*cking trusted him. He wasn’t going to lose that. He would not betray that.
He released her mouth and wrapped another arm around her waist. Bending his head down to her ear, he whispered, “I ain’t a good man. I’ve done shit…I’ve done some pretty bad shit and now, it’s too f*ckin’ late for me. I ain’t ever gonna be a good man.”
Underneath his hold on her, Dirty felt Ellie’s body tense. His heart rate increased tenfold. More than likely she was going to want nothing to do with him after this. And he would deal with that. He would release her, let her walk out of this room, the club, and his life. It would be better for her if she did. And he wouldn’t have to walk around terrified he was going to hurt her.
“What have you done,” she whispered, “that you think you can’t be forgiven for?”
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath before opening them again. “That’s the last time you’re gonna ask me that. I’m gonna be straight with you, I ain’t never gonna tell you what I’ve done, because I ain’t never wanna see you lookin’ at me any different than the way you were when I first walked into this room.
“That said,” he continued hoarsely. “I want inside you somethin’ fierce, baby.”
Ellie’s breath released in a hot rush of air and he felt her stomach expand against his grip.
“I think,” she said softly, “that I want you too.”
Need, hot and heady, raced through his already shaking body. He wanted to f*ck her so damn bad; he wanted to push her down face first into his bed and take her hard and fast from behind.
But at the same time he wanted to feel those lips again, against his mouth, down his body, wrapping around his cock, taking him into her mouth.
And yet, he couldn’t do either. He couldn’t f*ck her the same way he’d f*cked so many whores, on his bed, half-conscious, refusing to look at them. And he couldn’t allow her to touch him, not sexually, not without becoming violent or sick, or motherf*cking both.
“I’m so f*cked-up,” he continued, his voice breaking. “I can’t be…with a woman.”
“Michael,” she said and he could hear the choked-back tears in her voice. “We don’t have to be…together. We can be friends. I want to be friends.”
“Why?” he asked brokenly. “Why would a woman like you want anything to do with a man like me?”
“You may have done bad things,” she whispered tearfully. “But you’re not a bad man, Michael. You saved my life, and you saved my life because you have a good heart. Now I want to do the same for you.”