Ultimate Weapon (McClouds & Friends #6)(158)

His eyes narrowed. “Than why did you not kill him? I know that you did not. Santarini would have sent the Camorra for me by now if you had, and I was in no condition to defend myself from them. Did you fail to get close enough to him? Or did Ana—”

“No. I…changed my mind,” she said, her voice halting. She undid the last button, spread the shirt out over his chest.

He frowned. “Changed your mind?” he repeated. “When?”

“When I got into his room,” she said. “When I looked into his eyes. That was when I realized—”

“What?” he prompted impatiently.

“That you were right,” she admitted. “He wasn’t worth it. He was nothing compared to what I had to lose. Even though I thought that I had already lost it after what I’d done to you. I thought you’d never want to see me again.”

Val lifted her right arm, bent low, and pressed a gentle kiss against the scar. Then another and another.

She took courage from that. “I was running out of the clinic to find you when András got me.” She closed her eyes tightly, feeling every warm, soft butterfly kiss so intensely against her flesh. “You must think I am so stupid.”

“Not at all,” he said. “But explain this to me. Why did you change your mind about us and leave me all alone? Did living in bliss with me in a tropical paradise no longer appeal to you?”

She shook her head. She couldn’t bear to talk about it. The core of the problem. Her secret shame, the weakness in herself that she despised so violently. She was not made of gemstones or metal. She could not wash away the stains. Not anymore.

He took her face in both his hands. “Answer me, Tamar.”

She swallowed, tasting the bitterness of the poison. A bitterness she still tasted faintly every moment of every day. “I couldn’t,” she whispered.

“Why not?” he demanded, unrelenting.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and searched herself for the courage she needed to say it. “I felt…soiled,” she whispered. “Poisoned, damaged. I felt like a black hole. Like I didn’t deserve—oh, God. I thought it was better to get away, stay away. I didn’t want to inflict myself on anyone. Certainly not you.”

His face was blank with astonishment. “Oh, God, Tamar,” he said helplessly.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was fogging up with tears, to her distress. “I couldn’t get past it. I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

He gave her a short, hard shake. “What bullshit,” he said roughly. “You should have known better.”

“Well, I didn’t,” she flung back. “And maybe I never will.”

“Oh, you will. You should have come to me, Tamar. I would have convinced you. You are a queen. A goddess. Shining and perfect.”

She snorted. “Oh, please. Don’t overdo it, Janos,” she said tartly.

“I cannot help it,” he said. “It is my nature. And you inspire me to flowery excess.”

“Oh, God,” she muttered. “I am so in for it. I can’t stand flowery excess.”

“You will learn,” he promised solemnly.

“Will I?” She yanked the shirt down over his shoulders, his arms, and stopped to stare at the angry scars.

She stopped to kiss each one. Then she moved on to the older scars. There were many of them, and by the time she had kissed her way through everything she could see, he was fully aroused. She wrenched his belt open, shoved down his jeans. Took him in hand, squeezing with a shuddering sigh of delighted satisfaction. Ah, yes.

“So, did this interview with me work out to your satisfaction?” she asked breathlessly.

He kissed her throat as he pushed her thighs wide, then teased her clit tenderly, circling it with his fingertip. “Oh, yes. But there was never any question of you refusing me,” he said.

She blinked at him. “Really?”

He nuzzled her ear. “I had decided. You agreed to love me, or you would have had to kill me to get rid of me. Either way, I won.”

“Oh?” She suppressed a crack of laughter. “How do you figure, loverboy?”

“Killing me would be a long, difficult process,” he informed her solemnly. “I am very hard to kill. It could take your whole lifetime. And in the meantime, while you plotted and schemed and made attempt after attempt, I would at least be with you, no? So I win.”

She snorted with laughter and pressed a hot kiss against his chest. “Melodramatic idiot.”

“Admit it,” he said. “You love that about me.”

“I love everything about you,” she said rashly. “But it’s been so long. Remind me why, Val. Go ahead, blow my mind. Bowl me over. Show me exactly why I love you so much.”

He gave her that radiant grin that made her heart jump with unbelieving joy, and got right down to it.