Twisted Together (Monsters in the Dark #3)(40)

Her.

She’d woken me.

I should’ve known—it was hardly a new occurrence. Her voice must’ve plaited with my dream, lacing fantasy with reality. Her pleas had been real, but not for me. Somehow I’d taken the past and Tess’s amazing willingness to give me what I needed, and twisted it with how she was now. She would never say no to me. I learned that the hard way.

Her lies had confused the shit out of me, making me lose complete control. I could blame her for everything—but ultimately it was all on me.

Me, the cocksucker who didn’t deserve her.

My back went rigid as she squirmed. Her obvious distress sickened me, yet in my dream I’d relished it—wanted more of her cries and begs.

I hadn’t cared she didn’t want me. I loved that she didn’t. I loved the non-consent.

I’m heartless and f*cking cruel.

Suddenly, my body weighed too much. The migraine had broken thanks to the brief sleep, but the dregs lived in my skull—puncturing my brain with tiny needles. At least my body punished me. I’d earned the pain.

Tess. Goddammit, I couldn’t look at her without dying of guilt.

You burned her. You almost f*cking raped her.

I dropped the gun onto the mattress, letting my body sag. My hands disappeared into my hair, holding a mind churning with so many black things.

Her body jolted but she stayed deep asleep—too trapped by her nightmare to wake.

My arms tensed, wishing there was a trespasser in the night—I would make him bleed. I would tear him f*cking apart.

The migraine pulsed, gathering power now I was awake. A fresh wave of sickness spread its nausea-inducing fingers up my back, latching around my throat. I wanted to fall to my knees and spew my f*cking guts out for what I’d done.

Guilt could kill a man—I’d never been free of the fester all my life but now it’d grown monumental.

I groaned as a lance of pain hit behind my eyes. I hadn’t had headache this bad since Tess had been stolen. And I had no one to direct my rage onto but myself. This time the motherf*cker who had to die for hurting her was me.

Fuck, I missed Frederick. I missed his cool-headedness, rational thinking, even his crazy ideas. He kept me sane. I hated to think how I would’ve coped without him in the wings. Keeping me focused, reminding me I was strong enough to ignore the needs and be a better man.

Picking up the gun, I ran my fingertips over the weighty metal, stroking the weapon that’d been used to take the lives of sadistic men. I’d fought against them. I’d ended their horror, giving the women back to their loved ones. All apart from one.

I looked over at Tess; her voice popped into my head.

“My name is Tess Snow. Not Sweetie, or Tessie, or Honey. I’m a woman only now realizing what she’s capable of. I’m no one’s daughter. I’m no one’s girlfriend. I’m no one’s possession. I belong to me, and for the first time, I know how powerful that is.”

I relived the moment where Tess had returned, bowing to me in the foyer. She’d taken away all my power by giving me all of hers.

“I came back for the man I see inside the master. The man who thinks he’s a monster because of his twisted desires. I came back for Q. I came back to be his esclave, but also to be his equal. I came back to be your everything.”

I squinted at my palm where I’d sliced the flesh, making a blood-oath with Tess. I’d sworn to honour her, cherish her, protect her. I’d married her in my heart that very second in my office, sharing everything that I was while hiding everything I could. She’d come back to me knowing nothing of the real me. The monster.

She trusted you despite everything and look at how you repaid her!

My body stiffened. I have to fix this.

It was my duty to fix what I’d broken—not just today, but for everything I’d done and everything that’d happened.

Tess slept on, giving me space to untangle my thoughts. After the incident, I locked myself in the bathroom and spent an hour under scalding hot water, trying to expel the evil from my veins. When I’d finally had the balls to come out, she’d been asleep—curled up like a homeless kitten hugging a pillow.

I hadn’t meant to fall beside her and close my eyes, but the migraine forced me into a spiral of unconsciousness, giving my imagination time to haunt me while my body healed.

“I won’t! Kill me. I don’t care. I won’t!” Tess shuddered, her voice shattering the silence.

My muscles tensed at her outburst; she fell silent. Watching her, I drank in the slightness of her arms, the twitch of terror going through her limbs. Her body overheated, yet her teeth chattered with cold.

I couldn’t stop fury bubbling in my chest. “Tess. Je veux te sauver mais je n’ai pas la moindre idée de comment le faire. Si je pouvais briser chaque horloge pour remonter le temps je le ferais si seulement je pouvais te voir sourire et être heureuse à nouveau.” I want to save you but have no f*cking clue how. If I could smash every clock to rewind time, I would—if only to see you smile and be happy again.

A horrible thought barrelled into me. Maybe the only way to make her happy was to let her go? Maybe I needed to stop being so f*cking selfish and let her walk away—from me, my life, from every bad thing that’d happened.

My heart twisted into a painful knot.

I’m not f*cking strong enough to do that.