Twisted Fate(4)

Okay. Where do I start? They gave my camera back. Obviously. That was a hard one. For a while I thought I might never see it again. But Kim insisted. Because Kim is cool. She gets it. I don’t even know where the hell me and Dad would be if he hadn’t married her. I certainly never would have been able to keep the camera. And once I get the car fixed up I’ll be able to drive it again. I miss driving the most, I guess—just being able to take off and be free and go nowhere.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But this was not what I was thinking back before Rockland, when I tried to see if I could in fact break out of this world and into some dark, cool calm that would let me be happy all the time. I was not going for the “make you stronger” part. I was not going for the “what doesn’t kill you” part. I was going for peaceful silence. To be able to capture that moment between strength and destruction once and for all. I guess I miscalculated a little.

But that doesn’t mean I’ll give up. I can try again. I’m making art, like Kim says. And maybe I can make an even better movie than the one me and Eric made back in Virginia. I’m going to stay dedicated to it no matter how many stupid doctors I have to talk to or new pills I have to try. I am going to get around all these people—the ones who always keep trying to convince you to be a part of their dull world, telling you how important you are and how much you mean to them and how you should get up and go for a walk or go to classes and meet new people, or—the stupidest one ever—“do something that will make you happy.”

And the constant suggestion that I should “try to focus.” Like I can’t focus. I pay more attention than anyone I know—twice the amount of attention, especially if I have my camera with me. Then I’m thinking about how everything is going to look. And when I watch it later I don’t miss a thing. I think that’s the mistake people make—thinking that I’m missing something. I see this world clear as day. I see how everyone plays their part, says what they think other people want to hear. And I see how there are spaces where people are themselves. And that’s where I want to go. I want to see them there. Not in school, not trying to be good around their parents or trying to be an example for their kids or trying to look important at work. There is a time when people are entirely themselves, and that’s what I want to film. That’s the world I want to live in.

What would make me happy is finding another friend like Eric. Eric and I were happy making movies and cruising in the Austin Healey. “Becoming immortal,” he called it sometimes when we were driving fast, shooting the passing countryside. Becoming stars. But like stars in the universe—remote and bright and cold and shining. Real stars.

Nobody was going to make me pay for what I did, but instead of being happy about it, all I could think about was getting it right this time. You know what? Maybe I am stronger now. Maybe I should just say f*ck it. Because if I’m honest I don’t know if I even feel like I need to pay for anything at all. Maybe I did for a minute, maybe I do sometimes when I talk to Dr. Adams—not pay I guess but “process,” like he says, and “understand.” But this is what I understand: life’s not fair. And if I’m doing the things that “make me happy” they might be different from what makes everyone else happy.

I lied earlier about having no one to talk to. I met someone today. And she smiled at me in this way that made me feel like she knew me. Like she knew exactly who I was. I would love to be around someone who knew exactly who I was just for even a minute. It would be such a relief. We talked for about half an hour, standing in the driveway, and I could tell she really gets things.

I was almost going to ask her if she wanted to come into the garage and see the Austin Healey.

It’s so close to being fixed.

I do have to give Dad credit for that. Making me fix it myself. And then showing me how. He even had it brought from Virginia so I could keep working on the engine now that I’ve got the body smoothed out and painted.

I thought after the accident that he would freak, that he’d sell it for parts and never let me drive again. My first thought when I saw how much damage it took was that there was no way it’d ever run again, and that was a real disappointment. My first thought was that it was another miscalculation. Another thing Eric and I didn’t see coming. Sometimes I wish we could talk about it. It would really help if I could just ask him a few questions. My second thought was that maybe I was made of steel. Maybe I was unbreakable. I could watch the rest of the world slip away—I could record it—but I was here to stay.

“It’s a lesson,” Dad said.

And Kim, my stepmom, said, “It’s an opportunity.”

Either way the Austin Healey is almost ready to get back on the road, and I’m almost ready to start school again. I’m not sure how I feel about going to this school. But maybe it will be different.

The only thing I miss about Virginia is Eric. I wish I could hang out with him again. Though I can’t say I’m completely sorry about the way things turned out. Eric made me understand who I am. Eric made me know what the world is really like and what I am capable of. And if it weren’t for all the stupid bullshit from his parents, Eric would already be famous.

Maybe I’ll talk to that Tate girl at school. Maybe I can see her alone. I felt when I went back into the new house like I wanted to see her again right away, like I needed to. I went up to my room and looked next door and wondered which window was hers. About an hour later I headed back to the garage and I thought I saw her standing in the big square cupola on top of their house, looking out over the harbor, over the tops of the giant pines.