Truly Madly Guilty(97)

Clementine would hate those needles. Clementine’s terror in return for Oliver’s joy. It was an equitable deal, wasn’t it?

‘Yes, but you want a baby too, don’t you?’ said Oliver. ‘For yourself? Not just for me?’

‘Of course I do,’ said Erika. It had always been for him. Always. That acquisitive desire she’d felt for a little Holly or Ruby of her own was gone now. She wasn’t sure exactly why. Probably because of what she’d overheard and maybe because of something else: murky feelings related to those lost moments from her memory.

But none of that mattered. She ate her chicken curry and let her eyes roam around their beautiful uncluttered room.

‘What’s that?’ she said suddenly.

She stood up and went to the bookshelf. There was a sparkle of blue in between the spines of two books. Oliver turned to watch her.

‘Oh,’ he said as she pulled out Holly’s little blue sequinned bag. ‘That.’

Erika opened the bag full of Holly’s rocks.

‘She must have left it here,’ she said, lifting out a small white polished pebble.

‘The night of the barbeque,’ said Oliver.

‘I’ll give it back to Clementine,’ said Erika.

‘Holly doesn’t want it back,’ said Oliver. He opened his mouth as if he were about to say something else, but then he changed his mind and instead took a sip of water and replaced the glass carefully on the coaster.

‘Really? I thought she loved –’

‘We might be pregnant by Christmas,’ said Oliver dreamily. ‘Imagine that.’

‘Imagine that,’ agreed Erika, and she dropped the stone back into the bag.





chapter sixty



The day of the barbeque

‘Is Ruby dead?’ asked Holly, playing with the handle of her little blue sequinned handbag full of rocks, which she held with both hands on her lap.

‘No,’ said Erika. ‘She’s not dead. She went in the helicopter with your daddy to the hospital. She’ll be there by now and the doctors will make her better.’

They were sitting under a duvet on the couch while Oliver made them hot chocolate. Madagascar was on TV. Erika had taken out her contact lenses so all she could see were flashes of colour on the television.

She had a feeling of impending sleep, like a huge black wave about to crash over her. Except she couldn’t fall asleep. Not while Holly was here. And it was only … what? Around six or seven pm. It felt much later. It felt like the middle of the night.

‘She might die.’ Holly stared at the television.

‘I don’t think she will, but she’s very sick. It’s very serious. Yes. She might.’

‘Erika,’ said Oliver as he walked into the room carrying the tray with the hot chocolates.

‘What?’ Weren’t you meant to be as truthful as possible with children? No one knew how long Ruby had been submerged before they’d pulled her out. There were no guarantees. She could have significant brain damage. Hypothermia. She might not make it through the night. Why did Erika feel as if she should know exactly how long Ruby had been under the water for? Why did she feel strangely responsible, as if she’d failed in some way? She’d got to Ruby first. She’d been the first one to act. She wasn’t Ruby’s parent. But there was something. Something she’d done or not done.

‘There you go,’ said Oliver. He was still in his wet clothes. He’d get sick. He handed Holly the mug of hot chocolate. ‘I didn’t make it too hot but just take a little sip in case, okay?’

‘Thank you,’ said Holly loudly.

‘Good manners, Holly,’ said Oliver.

‘Get changed,’ said Erika as she took the hot chocolate from him. ‘You’ll catch a cold.’

‘Are you okay?’ asked Oliver.

‘Why? Do I not look okay?’ She took a sip of her hot chocolate, and somehow missed her mouth. She wiped her finger across her chin.

‘No,’ said Oliver. ‘You don’t.’

‘Manners,’ said Holly to Erika.

‘What are you talking about?’ snapped Erika. The child wasn’t making sense. It occurred to her that she’d just snapped at Holly in exactly the same way Sylvia used to do when Erika was a child. The moment Erika started telling her mother something she would snap, ‘What are you talking about?’ And Erika would think, Let me finish and then you’ll know what I’m talking about!

‘You forgot to say thank you,’ said Holly. She looked frightened. ‘To Oliver.’

‘Oh,’ said Erika. ‘Of course. You’re right. I’m sorry, Holly, I didn’t mean to snap at you.’

Erika watched two giant teardrops quiver on the bottom eyelashes of Holly’s big blue eyes. It was more than just her snapping. Holly wasn’t that sensitive.

‘Holly,’ she said. ‘Holly. Sweetie. It’s fine, everything is fine, give me a cuddle, there, although I actually think … I might … I’m sorry.’ She couldn’t hold on. Holly needed her comfort right now but she couldn’t give it to her. She handed back the cup to Oliver and he reached out with surprise to take it just in time before it slipped from her hands. ‘I’m just so sleepy.’