Truly Madly Guilty(140)

‘Hello, Oliver.’ Pam hadn’t seen him in casual clothes before. Normally he wore a nice checked shirt tucked into trousers. Pam had met him on so many occasions over the years, but she’d never really got to know him that well. He was always so complimentary about Pam’s signature dish, her carrot and walnut cake. (He seemed to have got it into his head that the cake was sugar-free, which was not the case, but she didn’t bother to correct him; he was so skinny, a bit of sugar wouldn’t hurt him.)

‘Holly is just through here watching a movie,’ said Oliver. ‘She would have been very welcome to stay the night with us, of course.’ He said this sadly.

‘Oh, she would have loved that, Oliver,’ said Pam. ‘But we were all fighting over her, you see, it’s a distraction from our worry over Ruby.’

‘I understand you were the hero of the day,’ said Martin, and he held out his hand to Oliver.

Oliver went to take Martin’s hand. ‘I don’t know about –’ But to Pam’s surprise her husband changed his mind about shaking hands at the last moment and instead threw his arms around Oliver in an awkward hug, thumping him on the back, probably much too hard.

Pam rubbed Oliver’s arm gently to make up for Martin’s thumping. ‘You are a hero,’ she said, her voice full of emotion. ‘You and Erika are heroes. Once Ruby is home and feeling better we’ll have you over for a special dinner. A dinner fit for heroes! I’ll make that carrot cake I know you like.’

‘Oh, delicious, wow, that’s very kind of you,’ said Oliver, stepping back and ducking his head like he was fourteen.

‘Where is Erika?’ said Pam.

‘She’s asleep actually,’ said Oliver. ‘She wasn’t feeling … quite right.’

‘Probably the shock,’ said Pam. ‘Everyone is feeling – well, look who’s here! Hello, darling. Look at those fairy wings!’

Holly headed straight to her and buried her face in Pam’s stomach.

‘Hello, Grandma,’ she said. ‘I am “exhausted”.’ She lifted her fingers in quotation marks. Her funny little habit.

‘Right,’ said Oliver. ‘I’ll grab your rock collection, Holly.’

‘No. I don’t want it,’ said Holly almost belligerently. ‘I told you I don’t want it. You keep it.’

‘Well, I’ll take care of it for you,’ said Oliver. ‘If you change your mind you can have it back.’

‘Come to Grandpa, Holly.’ Martin held out his arms to Holly and she leaped up, her legs wrapped around his waist, her head on his shoulder. No point telling Martin not to carry her after his knee operation. He needed to carry her.

Holly fell asleep in the car and didn’t wake when Martin carried her in, or even when Pam changed her into a spare pair of pyjamas she kept in the house. Martin didn’t see the need to change her but Pam knew you were always so much comfier in pyjamas.

But as Pam leaned in to kiss her good night, Holly’s eyes sprang open.

‘Is Ruby dead?’ she said. She was lying on her front, her head turned sideways on the pillow, a tangle of hair obscuring her face.

‘No, darling,’ said Pam. She lifted the hair off Holly’s face and smoothed it back from her forehead. ‘She’s at the hospital. The doctors are looking after her. She’s going to be fine. You go back to sleep.’

Holly closed her eyes, and Pam rubbed her back.

‘Grandma,’ whispered Holly.

‘Yes, darling?’ Pam was feeling tired herself now.

Holly whispered something Pam couldn’t hear.

‘What’s that?’ Pam leaned forward to listen.

‘Are Mummy and Daddy very, very angry with me?’ whispered Holly.

‘Of course not!’ said Pam. ‘Why would they be angry with you?’

‘Because I pushed her.’

Pam froze.

‘I pushed Ruby,’ said Holly again, louder.

Pam’s hand lay flat and still on Holly’s back, and for a moment she didn’t recognise it; it looked too old and wrinkled to belong to her.

‘She took my bag of rocks,’ said Holly. ‘She was standing on the side of the fountain with my bag and she wouldn’t let me have it, and it’s mine, and I was trying to get it off her, and then I got it, and I pushed her because I felt really, really angry.’

‘Oh, Holly.’

‘I didn’t mean for her to be drowned. I thought she would chase after me. Will she go to heaven? I don’t want her to go to heaven.’

‘Did you tell anyone?’ asked Pam.

‘Oliver,’ mumbled Holly into the pillow, as if she were worried that was also a transgression. ‘I told Oliver.’

‘What did Oliver say?’ said Pam.

‘He said when I see Ruby at the hospital I should whisper “sorry” very quietly in her ear and that I should never, ever push her again.’

‘Ah,’ said Pam.

‘He said it was our secret and he would never tell anyone in the whole world ever,’ said Holly.

He was a lovely man, Oliver. A good man. Trying to do the right thing.

But what if Holly never got that chance to whisper ‘sorry’ in Ruby’s ear? Ruby was stable. Ruby would not die in the night.