Troubles and Treats (Chocolate Lovers #3)(12)

Why do people say that about dogs going to the bathroom? Do his business. How is pooping and peeing like doing business? I do business every day and it involves computers and phone calls and meetings. That’s nothing at all like going to the bathroom. Every time someone says that, I picture a dog walking into the backyard with a doggy briefcase in its hand, wearing a suit and tie. It’s weird.

Another thing that’s weird? Animals wearing clothes. Did you know there’s a whole website dedicated to just cats wearing sweaters? Do they ”do their business” while wearing sweaters?

While I pounder these thoughts, I reach over in bed to scratch Miss Lippy’s head before I go to sleep. But it doesn’t feel like Miss Lippy’s head; it’s not as fluffy.

As I feel around the bed for the rest of Miss Lippy, wondering if maybe I’m nowhere near her head, I hear the back door open downstairs so Drew can let Rollo out. As soon as I hear the door slam shut, I hear a whine in the bed next to me and feel a warm, wet puppy tongue on my chin.

“Oh no! Oh SHIT!”

Drew just threw Miss Lippy out into the snow! Poor, little Miss Lippy who has never been outside a day in her life except for the day Drew brought her home!

I throw the covers off of me, scoop up Rollo, jump out of bed, and run as fast as I can down the stairs. When I get to the last step, I hear the screams and wails of agony.

Oh thank God! Drew must have realized what he did and now he feels bad. He’s so sweet for getting upset.

I race through the house and skid to a stop in the doorway of the kitchen.

Miss Lippy, sopping wet and covered in snow, is attached to the front of Drew’s chest. And when I say attached, I mean it. He hadn't worn a shirt to bed, so all four sets of claws are stuck deep into his skin as Drew screams and tries to pull her off of him.

“MOTHER SON OF FUCKER SHIT! GET THIS GOD DAMMED CAT OFF OF ME!” he shrieks as he tugs on the cat’s fur and the cat yowls and hisses up at him angrily.

“Oh my gosh! Drew, you threw Miss Lippy out instead of Rollo!” I tell him as I just stand there cuddling Rollo and watch Drew spin around in circles, slamming into the counter and chair as he wrestles with the cat.

“GEE? REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA, WHAT WITH THE WET, KILLER CAT STUCK TO MY SKIN!” he screams at me as the cat uses his distraction to her advantage by climbing further up his chest until she can sink her teeth into his chin.

Drew screeches at the top of his lungs while he continues to try and pry Miss Lippy off of him. She’s growling now and drooling out of the side of her mouth, so I’m guessing she’s not going anywhere for a while.

“I SAID I WAS SORRY, MISS LIPPY! COME THE FUCK ON, THAT HURTS! I SWEAR I DID NOT MEAN TO THROW YOU IN THE SNOW!”

Drew and Miss Lippy are carrying on so loudly right now, I’m sure they are going to wake the kids up any minute.

“Drew, keep it down! You’re going to wake up Billy and Veronica,” I whisper loudly over the crying and hissing.

“I HAVE A KILLER CAT WITH FANGS TRYING TO EAT MY FACE, JENNY! SHE’S TRYING TO EAT OFF MY FACE!”

Rollo sighs and huffs in my arms at the commotion and rests her head on my arm to continue watching.

Drew bends over at the waist and tries to stick his arm up between Miss Lippy’s body and his chest to push her away from him since pulling on her fur is obviously just pissing her off. She takes that opportunity to scramble up his face and onto his head, sinking her claws into his skull.

I’m sorry, but at this point, I have to laugh. Drew stands up when the cat gets to his head and is now trying to head-bang to get her to fall off, screaming the whole time because it’s just making her dig her claws in even further.

I sort of feel bad for him when I see the claw marks and blood dripping down the front of his chest, arms, neck, and face. It looks like he got into a fighting match with Freddy Kruger. But then I think about the fact that he's brought home not one, but two new animals at the same time we've had an infant in the house, and it kind of makes me happy that this is going on right now.

“IS THIS BECAUSE I TOOK A DUMP IN YOUR LITTER BOX? I TOLD YOU I WAS SORRY FOR THAT TOO. GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY HEAD!”

I walk across the room in an attempt to help Drew get Miss Lippy off of his head, but he’s too busy head-banging and hopping around the room for me to get close to him. Instead, I take a seat at the kitchen table, yawn, and get Rollo comfortable in my lap.

“YOU’RE A VINDICTIVE LITTLE BITCH, MISS LIPPY! NEXT TIME YOU YACK UP A HAIR BALL IN MY SHOE, I’M GOING STRAIGHT UP GANSTER AND POPPING A CAP IN YOUR ASS!”

It’s almost like Miss Lippy understands what Drew is threatening. As soon as Drew takes a break and rests against the counter, Miss Lippy rears up on her back legs and starts smacking Drew on either side of his head with her paws. It’s like something right out of Funniest Home Videos when the little kid is teasing the cat too much and it smacks the poor little kid in the face. That’s always funny because it’s happening to someone else’s kid. It turns out, this is even funnier.

I’m too busy laughing to see how he does it, but Drew finally manages to remove Miss Lippy from his head and tosses her to the kitchen floor. She hisses once more at him and then runs away.

“I can’t believe you didn’t help me. I could have been killed!” Drew complains.

I roll my eyes at him and stand up. “Oh stop, she wouldn’t have killed you.”