Trapped (Caged #2)(44)

Not long after we got there, Tria was whisked away by three ladies in Carter’s employ, and Ryan dragged me to the den for shots of whiskey and bowtie tying.

“I f*cking hate these things,” I said as I pulled the knot out and tried again. It had been way too long since I had worn a bowtie, and I had apparently lost the knack to tie one properly.

Ryan laughed.

“Didn’t you teach me how to tie one?” he asked.

“Whatever,” I mumbled. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”

My cousin walked up, smacked my hands out of the way, and tied my tie for me.

“You’re here,” he stated, “because you belong here. You’ve shut everyone out for too long.”

“Don’t you start.”

“Start what?” Ryan said.

“You know exactly what,” I snapped back. I looked in the mirror at his handiwork, and my tie was pretty straight. “I get enough of that from Tria as it is. Besides that, you also know better.”

“And Tria doesn’t?”

I shrugged and fiddled with my platinum cufflinks.

“Christ on a cracker!” Ryan growled softly. “She doesn’t know?”

“She doesn’t need to.”

“Liam! What the—? You—?” Ryan stammered as he grabbed fistfuls of hair and pulled at them. “What the hell? What if you decide you want to get married and have kids someday?”

“Not doing that.”

“You’re living together, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied with narrowed eyes. “So?”

“Do you love her?”

“Fuck.” I turned around and walked across the plush carpet to the window. From there, I could see the border of the hedge maze and the slight outline of the river beyond. It felt all too similar, too common, too normal.

But it wasn’t. Not anymore.

“Well?”

“What does that shit even mean?” I mumbled as I turned back to him. “I don’t know. She’s important to me.”

“Sounds like a lot more than you’ve had since Aimee.”

Instinctively, my eyes closed. I wished I could have done the same with my ears, but it was too late—I had already heard her name. My stomach tightened up, and I felt like vomiting. Waves of memories flooded my senses until I could not only see her soft curls and hear her soft sigh, but I could also smell the scent of her skin as she ran see through the maze and feel the burn of the wind on my cheeks as I chased her, laughing.

Then tears, yelling, pounding, blood, meat, screaming…

Loss.

I barely made it to the trashcan before emptying my stomach. With a muddled head and cramping stomach, I barely registered Ryan helping me over to a long leather couch—dragging the trashcan with us—and repeatedly apologizing.

I pulled off the damn tie so I could breathe.

With my head in my hands, I leaned over my knees and panted. Ryan rubbed the back of my shoulders as I tried to get myself together again. I pressed my palms against my head, as if physically pushing on my temples would drive back the memories and constrain them to the back of my mind. After a few minutes, I swallowed back the taste of bile as I swallowed down the thoughts of the past.

“Dude, it’s been ten years,” he said quietly. “You still can’t hear her name without—”

“Shut up!” I tried to yell it, but the words came out as more of a plea. “Just stop…don’t say anything else.”

For a long while, we just sat on the couch in silence. Finally, I took a deep breath and looked at him. My head hurt, and my eyes felt sore, but I had generally calmed down. Ryan reached over and retied my bowtie again.

“You can’t live like this forever,” he said as he finished with it. “You can’t just not tell Tria. If she really means anything to you, you have to tell her about it sometime.”

“Why?” I snapped back. “Has Amanda told you she only wants you for your money?”

“It’s not the only reason,” he said.

“But it’s a big part of it.”

Ryan’s eyes flickered over to the door, then down to the floor, and then back to me.

“I know,” he said. “She came from nothing, Liam. Scraping for every last breadcrumb. Too many kids, not enough food, no place to sleep but cardboard boxes. Yeah, she wants the money, and she needs the security, but it’s not the only reason.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“I understand how it looks,” Ryan said. “Michael was really leery of her at first, too. She’s abrasive because she’s scared, but she doesn’t show too many people the other side of her. Believe me, bro—I know exactly what I’m getting into.”

His gaze held a faraway look as a smile crossed his face.

“I love her,” he stated, “and she loves me. She wants the money, too, but I can deal with that.”

“Fighting for everything you need isn’t a bad way to live,” I said. “It makes you stronger.”

“Mandi has done enough fighting that battle,” Ryan told me. “I’m going to take care of that now.”

“What the f*ck are you doing in the business anyway?” I asked, glad to have the opportunity to change the subject.