Toxic: Logan's Story (Torn #4)(52)

“I won’t ever hurt you, Logan, I swear. I know what you went through with her, and it means a lot to me that you trust me. I’m not stupid enough to throw it all away.”

He grabbed my hand, brought it up to his mouth, and kissed it gently. “Good. Do you want to tell me why you’re going to that show Friday night?”

“Ryan,” I said. “If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t bother, but that kid meant a lot to me before I left here. He’s Mikey’s little brother. He followed Mikey and me around all the time. I watched out for him the way I watched out for Beth. I want to see him before we leave. I want to make sure he’s okay, especially after Mikey said Ryan has been in juvie. That doesn’t sound like the Ryan I know.”

He frowned. “Whatever it takes to make you happy. Just be careful, and don’t get mixed up with Mikey too much, okay?”

“I won’t. I promise. I’m going to that show to see Ryan, and that’s it. I’ll see him, and then we’ll leave.”

“Good.”

We were silent the rest of the drive home.

When he parked outside of our apartment building, he turned to look at me again. “Can I say something without you ripping off my head?”

“Sure.”

“We’re leaving in a few days. I know you think you’ve done everything you came here to do, but I don’t think you have.”

“What do you mean?”

“You need to go see your mom again. I know you don’t want to, but you’ll always regret it if you don’t.”

“Logan—”

“No, listen to me. When you went to her grave before, you were angry. I have no doubt that you’re still angry with her for what happened, but you can’t leave it like that. You need to tell her good-bye. You need to find some closure before we leave.”

“I have closure. Hitting David in the nuts gave me all the closure I needed,” I said stubbornly.

“Jade, I’m serious. Will you at least think about it? We only have a few days left before we leave. With everything happening in your life, who knows when you’ll have a chance to come back here?”

I sighed. “Fine, I’ll go. Happy?”

“Deliriously happy.”



I closed the car door quietly behind me and walked across the crisp green grass of the cemetery. It was a beautiful day, just like the last time I had been here. I focused on my mother’s grave as I walked toward it. I hated to admit that Logan had been right about me needing to see her, but he was. Everything else had worked out this summer, except for things with my mom. When I’d come here to see her that first day, I’d been shocked and angry. I had my emotions under control now, and it was time to say good-bye to her. This would be the last time. Once I walked away, I would never come back.

Logan had wanted to come with me, but I’d told him no. I needed to do this on my own. I couldn’t let him hold my hand every time I was hurting. I had to face things on my own, or I’d never truly be okay.

I knelt down beside her headstone and brushed the dead grass away. I couldn’t help but stare at her name carved into the stone. It still didn’t seem real. Everyone would die eventually. I knew that, but it was still hard to believe that the woman who’d brought me into this world was no longer in it.

“Hi, Mom,” I whispered once the grass was cleared away.

I stared down at the bright green shoelaces on my Chucks. I had no clue what the f*ck I was supposed to say. I’d spent the last two days trying to figure out the right words, but they never came to me. Instead, I was here without a clue as to what to say or do to make myself forgive her.

“I’m still really pissed at you. I’m sure you know that though.” I sat down in the grass. “You really screwed me up. I think I’m still screwed-up, no matter how hard I try to ignore it.”

I stared around the cemetery. I was mostly alone, except for two other people. An older man and a younger woman were standing in front of a grave, both of them holding fresh flowers.

Probably his wife and her mother, I thought to myself.

That was the way the world was supposed to work. Two people were supposed to love each other. Then, they would have a child together, who they would love as well. When one of them passed, the other would mourn until it was time to go. The child would mourn them as well. The thought made me sad. In the end, everyone would feel the loss of loved ones. No matter how imperfect they were, they still had someone out there who loved them.

But I wasn’t sure how much love I had for my mother anymore.

“I still love you even though I hate you, too. I guess I’m f*cked-up that way. I’ve been so angry for so long that I’ve forgotten that I did love you. I have no idea whether or not you loved me back, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. What you did to me was wrong, and we both know it. Then, you let him go after Beth. That’s f*cked-up, Mom. I get why he hated me and why you let him hate me. But Beth? She was his. She did nothing to deserve his anger. Neither did I, for that matter. The screw-up was yours, and I was the one who had to pay for it over and over again.”

I rested my head on my knees, trying to calm my temper. The more I spoke to her, the more pissed-off I was. I hadn’t come here to tell her to f*ck off again. I’d come to say good-bye.

“For what it’s worth, I forgive you. I’m tired of hating you, so I’m letting it go. I hope you rest in peace and all that shit. I love you, Mom. Good-bye.”