To Seduce An Assassin (The Omaja Series Book 2)(54)

She gulped. “I must look a mess.”

“No.” He touched her chin, lifting it a bit to see her pale-hazel irises better. “You look beautiful.”

She chuckled. “You’re just saying that so I’ll stop blubbering.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yavi, could you ever forgive me?”

“Mm-hm,” he murmured, just before bending down to press his lips to the corner of her full mouth.

She sucked in a surprised breath and held it.

He pulled back. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s just the Tongkat.”

“Now, that’s where you’re wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“I don’t need Tongkat to be extremely, hopelessly interested in kissing you.”

“Oh?” She stared at his face, blinking.

“But I can’t go any farther than that, as much as I’d like to.”

She nodded, pulling her fur up to her chin protectively.

“Let’s sit down, and I’ll explain why.” He grasped her elbow and led her to sit on his bed. While she perched on the edge of the mattress, he went to get the cot so he could sit on it facing her. His dressing robe tried to gap open, so he grabbed her pillow and placed it in his lap, then cleared his throat. “Graciella, I used to be a very different man when I was younger.”

She watched his face mutely.

“I wasn’t really interested in true love. I was interested in women, but not in being faithful to one woman. I was with many women. I enjoyed the chase, the seduction.”

She nodded. “A lot of young men are like that.”

“True, but that doesn’t justify it.”

“You’ll get no judgment from me, the woman who snuck into your room and poisoned your cake.”

He chuckled, and she did too. He loved seeing her face soften with amusement after such a rough evening of guilt, fright, and tearful confessions.

“While Yajna and I were in Villeleia six years ago, something terrible happened. Because of me, a girl died.” He swallowed painfully. “You’ve made your confessions tonight; here’s mine. I was dallying with the Sorceress of Caladia and with her maid Svana on the side. Gerynwid found out about Svana, and she used the maid against me. She threatened to kill Svana if Yajna and I didn’t steal your sister’s stone. When Yajna later refused to steal the stone and decided to turn himself in instead, I tried to get to Gerynwid’s estate in time to save Svana, but I was too late.”

“I’m so sorry, Yavi. I know it must have been hard on you to lose the woman you loved.”

“No, that’s just it. I didn’t love Svana. Not really. It was just lust. And it got her killed.” He rubbed a hand over his face, tears stinging his eyes. “I’ve never forgiven myself for her death, Graciella.”

“Maybe now is the time.”

“But that guilt is the only thing stopping me from doing it again.”

“Doing what again?”

“Seducing a young woman with only a thought to satisfying my own lust.”

She fell silent, studying his face.

“That’s why I’ve kept you at arm’s length, Graciella. I could never forgive myself if I caused you hurt or pain.”

“Then it sounds like you are a changed man, and you should forgive yourself for what happened to Svana.”

“Forgiving myself won’t give that poor girl her life back,” he choked.

“Neither will hating yourself and being alone forever.”

Yavi paused, gazing at her face. She was right.

“Gerynwid killed Svana, Yavi, not you. It was not your choice. That witch was hell-bent on killing everyone in her path, it seemed.”

“That’s what my brother and your sister said when I told them I had sworn an oath of celibacy.”

“But you didn’t buy it?”

“Well, it’s true that Gerynwid was already cruel to Svana before Yajna and I came along, abusing her and mistreating her miserably. But I don’t know that she would have killed the girl if I hadn’t come into the picture.”

“We can never really see into the future and know all the consequences of our actions, Yavi. If you could, you certainly wouldn’t have chosen a path that led to Svana’s death.”

He didn’t know what to say to that.

“Would you? If you had a crystal ball and could see the results of Gerynwid’s murderous jealousy, would you have flirted with the servant girl?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“You didn’t mean for it to happen.”

He wanted to allow her encouragement to fully lift his burden of guilt, but in the end he knew he didn’t deserve the reprieve. He sighed heavily. “Graciella, don’t try to absolve me of this crime tonight. It is a fact that I was sleeping with both women, and that was wrong. The Gods won’t be pleased if I don’t wake up and change my ways before it’s too late.”

“Well, I think you have changed your ways, and to me you’re a brave, honorable man. To swear an oath of celibacy and keep it takes a strength most men will never know.”

“Perhaps, but I have been very close to breaking it many times since you arrived.”