Third Debt (Indebted #4)(93)

I was a changed man.

A totally different person.

“I couldn’t withstand you.” I licked her softly.

I couldn’t stop touching her. Couldn’t stop the need to be close.

Perhaps, I can show her exactly what this means? What I truly need from her?

She broke the kiss. “How does Kes have a power over you?”

My gut churned to think of Kes with Nila last night. But I also couldn’t deny it was my idea—my choice. He’d only obeyed and done the best he could. I’d forgive him…in time.

I sighed, thinking how selfless my brother truly was. How helpful and kind he’d been ever since he’d come to bust me out of the mental hospital. It’d been the third I’d visited all before I hit fifteen. He’d only been twelve, but he’d packed a bag and run away from Hawksridge. He hitchhiked across town and sneaked through the compound to get me.

Needless to say, we never managed to get free. The doctors found us and sent him home, but our bond was forged that night and nothing—no anvil, blade, or threat—could sever it.

“Kes is special.” I shrugged. “While I was going off the rails crying over things I couldn’t control and wanting to murder people for no apparent reason, he learned how to control his inner thoughts around me. He mastered the art of blocking his every whim, desire, and impression until I could hang around him and have my own thoughts for once. I became addicted to his emptiness and silence. The doctors said he acted like a shield for me. That as long as we stayed close, he helped me cope.”

Nila never took her gaze from mine, her body taut with understanding. “I always wondered why Kes was able to touch you when you were about to lose it. I expected you to hit him, but you never shrugged him off. You always seemed to…relax.”

I nodded. “That’s because I did relax. Kes manipulates me in a way, but I let him because it’s the only reprieve I get.”

“And Jasmine?” Her voice lowered. Her eyes dropped from mine, filling with nerves. I knew then what she wanted to ask. It was a question I wasn’t ready for. I would never be prepared to speak of what happened to my sister that night.

Pressing a finger over her mouth, I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about Jaz. Not yet.”

She frowned. “I can accept that.” Clouds formed over our idyllic oasis; I tensed against the next question forming in her thoughts.

I groaned, wishing I didn’t have to answer but knowing I had to. “You want to know why I put you through what I did last night, don’t you?”

She stiffened. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you knowing what I’m about to say. But yes…I would.”

Every second that ticked past, she rebuffed me a little more, remembering the way I’d shut off and abandoned her last night. But I’d never abandoned her. I left her to play a part in an orchestra that hadn’t finished playing yet.

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

I stared at the ceiling, holding her tight. “You knew you were being recorded last night.” It wasn’t a question.

She shifted in my embrace. “Yes. I know Kes wanted me to act hurt and terrified.”

My fists curled, recalling what Kes had done against my wishes. I couldn’t begrudge either Nila or my brother for finding a small measure of pleasure, but it didn’t mean I would ever get over it. It would take time to live with it but forever to forget it.

“There are other recordings, Nila.”

She bit her lip, sadness coming thick and heavy. “I know. I guessed you’d have videos of my mother and her payments of the debts.”

“I asked Kestrel to do what he did to give the drugs long enough to knock Cut and Daniel out.”

“What?”

“You and Kes were the performance, while I created a bigger show.” My heart bucked, knowing she’d hate me for what I’d done. She’d have to come to terms with it, because it’d been the only way I could think of to keep Cut’s suspicions down, prevent her from being raped, and live to see another day to find another solution.

“Do you trust me?” I murmured.

She tensed. For a moment, her emotions screamed ‘no.’ Then she relaxed, letting love replace her resentment. “Yes.”

My heart swelled; I ached to kiss her again—to prove her trust would never be squandered or broken. “I know what I’m doing. Just leave it with me.”

It took a minute, but she finally melted against me, pressing her mouth against my chest. “Okay…”

Okay…

Such sweet permission. Such ardent concession.

I’d never been so weightless and free. It was a damn novelty to let down my bomb-battered walls and truly give myself over to her. I didn’t tense or hide in ice—I permitted myself to feel everything she did. To sense how much she wanted to save me. How much she wanted to keep me. How much she needed to understand me.

I even acknowledged the parts she tried to keep secret—the things she would never say aloud but I knew anyway.

She wanted me to choose her over everyone.

Over Jasmine.

My inheritance.

My world.

She wanted it so fiercely, it throbbed with every beat of her heart.

She was afraid I would cut her out again. Afraid I would ask more heinous things of her. Terrified that I’d once again put up my walls, sink back into snow, and fall under my father’s command.