Thicker Than Blood (Thicker Than Blood #1)(110)

Opening my eyes, I watched as the sun rose. Another day behind us and the next one beginning, each one worse than the last, becoming harder and harder to keep struggling, though.

The soft humming in my ears and the deathly silence in my heart were all I had left, except for the bittersweet memories of a life I’d never have again. Exhaustion, downright heavy in its intensity, enveloped me. But I was more than just tired; I was excruciatingly exhausted. This world, this life—the misery of it was endless, the constant battle for survival and the hunger, the sadness, all tied up together with so very little happiness woven between. I didn’t know how much longer I could carry on like this; the burden of pretense was so thick, so all consuming.

There was nothing left for me here, nothing left for Leisel. There was nowhere to go, nothing we could depend on but each other.

I had failed them all—Shawn and Thomas, Jami and Alex, even Leisel. Their lives, all cut far too short, continually flashed through my mind like an endless f*cked-up kaleidoscope of pain and sorrow, and I just wanted to forget it all, wanted to be absorbed by their memories, to be swallowed whole. I wanted to go back to a life I could count on, back to the people I’d loved, to a place where I’d been safe.

A light touch on my arm caused me to jerk in surprise, my heartbeat slowing the moment I realized it was only Leisel. She was filthy, Alex’s dried blood covering her clothing and skin, and yet she was still beautiful. Seeing her familiar face, feeling her much-needed touch, reminded me that I still had something left here, something worth facing yet another day of this shit world.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered hoarsely, my face crumpling as I tried to stop the flow of tears. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” she said softly. Taking my hand, she brought it to her face, pressing a kiss on my knuckles.

“But I don’t know what to do…” I choked on another sob as a fresh wave of tears spilled down my cheeks, stinging my wounds.

“We don’t need to do anything,” she said, shaking her head.

“But we do!” I protested, pulling away from her. Turning to face the room, I gestured wildly. “We can’t stay here! And yet, we have nowhere to go! I don’t know what to do, Lei! I don’t know!”

Leisel appeared in front of me. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she looked into my eyes, her gaze hard. “We bury Alex,” she said firmly. “Then we drive. We don’t need to do anything more, except drive. We’ll keep driving until we’re out of gas, and then we’ll walk and we’ll keep walking until we can’t walk anymore. We’ll find another place, Eve, we’ll find something, and we’ll keep going. That’s all we need to do.”

Her fingers touched the bottom of my chin. “I don’t need you to be strong for me; I need you to be strong for you. We’re alive today because of you, and I’m grateful for that—for you. There’s nothing else we need to be or do except to keep going.”

She smiled then, her eyes going soft, shocking me that she had the will to smile after all that had happened.

“Help me bury him, Eve,” she whispered. “It’s the least we can do after all he’s done.”

Pressing my lips together, attempting to stop my tears, I nodded. She was right, God, she was right. Alex deserved so much more than anything we could do for him now. He deserved a full life, a family, to have been able to grow old in a world that still had a place for people like him. Good, strong people, people who’d persevered even in the face of adversity, people who were willing to sacrifice themselves for others.

? ? ?

Leisel laid Alex’s canvas jacket on top of the mound of dirt covering him and shakily got to her feet. Clasping her hands together, she pressed them against her belly and stared solemnly at the makeshift grave we’d dug. She still hadn’t cried.

Together we’d dragged Alex’s body from the motel room, a painstaking and miserable task as he was nearly two hundred pounds of foul-smelling dead weight. Then, with only the use of rocks and our blades, and after several backbreaking hours under the sweltering sun, we’d barely managed to dig more than two feet into the earth before realizing it was the best we could do.

Tired and hungry, we’d rolled him into the ground, using our bare hands to cover him with the grass and dirt we’d freed. It wasn’t deep enough, not secure enough a grave to keep the animals from getting to him, but at least it was something.

“Should we say something?” I asked quietly. “Like a prayer?”

In Fredericksville, we’d burned our dead. The entire town would gather while Lawrence presided over the service, always saying something kind about the deceased, someone he’d usually barely known. He’d invite others to talk afterward, allowing those who’d known the deceased a moment to reminisce. Yet, it had always felt like some kind of sideshow to me, no real feeling behind it, merely another way for Lawrence to further solidify his place as our leader.

“No,” Leisel whispered, her eyes still downcast. “There’s nothing to say.” She glanced up at me. “But we could sing. He liked music, remember? He missed it.”

“What kind of music did he like?”

Leisel shook her head. “I don’t know, I never asked.” A sob erupted in her throat and she clapped a hand over her mouth, choking it back. “How awful is that?” she whispered, her eyes wide. “I don’t even know because I never asked.”