The Words We Leave Unspoken(10)
“How’s Charley?” John asks as he leans over Olivia’s head and kisses me on the temple.
“She’s great, actually.” I realize that I can’t look him in the eyes. I have never kept a secret like this from John and I suddenly feel nervous and guilty. Instead, I fix my eyes on the television where John is watching a football game with the volume muted.
“What did you guys do?” he asks.
“We went out for sushi last night and then just lounged around today,” I say, mindlessly running my fingers through Olivia’s long blonde strands, my gaze still focused on the football game. But all I can picture is Charley and I researching cancer treatments on her computer, and planning the rest of my life, so to speak. Whatever’s left of it anyway.
After putting the kids to bed, I retreat to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of red wine. John is in the shower and I take a minute to catch my breath. I walk to the French doors that lead out to the deck and look out at the dark bay. The rain has stopped and the blanket of clouds have opened up, revealing a large, yellow gibbous of a moon that glows low in the sky, a soft contrast to the dark and inky, flawless surface of the water. A sailboat inches across the bay, its mast lit up with white lights. I open the door and step out onto the deck. A chill runs over me from the cold air but I don’t mind. I can smell the salty sea of Puget Sound and hear the water lapping softly against the rocky shore, and I’m reminded of all the reasons why John and I bought this house six years ago. I was pregnant with Max and Olivia was getting ready to start kindergarten. Money wasn’t an issue really, John’s growing success would have allowed us a beautiful home anywhere, but we both wanted to escape the city, to raise our kids in a smaller community with good schools. Having grown up in Seaport, I knew everything that this small seaside town had to offer and John fell in love with this house the instant he saw it. The house itself was stunning but it was the acre of lush landscape situated right on the water that sold us. The view was breathtaking and the peace and quiet a welcomed retreat. We have been so happy here. I want to hope that we will all be happy here for years to come. I want to dream about our future in this house. Taking pictures of Olivia and her prom date in front of the marble hearth of the fireplace, Max and his friends tearing up the yard at elaborate birthday parties that I plan down to the tiniest detail, the kids returning here during their college breaks, and the pitter-patter of little feet from the grandchildren that will one day grace this house. I want to picture all these moments and yet, it is only a reminder of what I will miss if this disease wins. It’s too painful to dream or plan for a life that I may not get to experience.
I wipe a stray tear from my cheek just as I hear John enter the room.
“What are you doing?” he asks as he steps into the kitchen.
I turn and step back inside, closing the door behind me. I clear my throat, trying to erase the emotion stuck in my chest.
“Just thinking,” I say vaguely.
John retrieves a wine glass from the cabinet and pours himself a glass of wine from the open bottle on the counter.
“Oh, yeah? About what?” he asks as he walks over to me. I turn away to take in the view once more, avoiding his eyes.
“About how much I love this house,” I sigh. It’s as much truth as I can muster.
I feel him behind me as he wraps his free hand around my waist and kisses the side of my neck.
“What is it Gwen? You seem a million miles away. Come back to me.”
His words fill me with guilt as I feel my conscience slowly build a wall between us, one lie at a time. I can’t answer his question honestly, so I evade, changing the subject.
“Did you know Charley’s sleeping with Grey?” I hate to throw Charley under the bus but I need to derail the conversation.
John chuckles and I turn to face him. “What? Did you know?”
He tips his head back and then shakes it side to side. “I’m not surprised is all.”
“What does that mean?” I ask defensively, although we are so far past me having to defend Charley.
“Nothing. It’s just Grey is an attractive man and Charley isn’t exactly hard on the eyes. It was only a matter of time. They’re both single.”
“Doesn’t that bother you? I mean he’s her boss, your friend.”
He brushes a stray hair from my cheek and looks into my eyes.
“Gwen, Charley’s an adult. And besides, it might be good for both of them. Actually Grey is perfect for Charley, now that I think about it. They both avoid relationships like the plague.” He smiles and takes a sip of his wine.
“We’re talking about Charley here, John. This could end badly for Grey. And for Charley’s job.”
“Nah, Grey’s a big boy. Besides it’s none of our business.”
He leans in and kisses me gently on the lips. I close my eyes, savoring this predictable and mundane gesture, something that I suddenly realize I have taken for granted, along with so many other things. And without another thought, I bring my hand up and spread my fingers through his hair at the back of his head, pulling him closer to me. I deepen the kiss, moaning against his mouth as I feel him part his lips, letting me in. We kiss like this for a moment longer, our breath coming in deep, long pulls.
John pulls away first and mutters under his breath, “What in the world?”