The Wangs vs. the World(119)
“Saina! Is that what you think?”
“That’s what I’m scared of.”
“No. I can’t stress that enough. It is amazing how much I would do for you, considering how briefly we’ve known each other, but you are not the reason why I haven’t seen her. I would never do that. You’re the reason I haven’t talked about her, at least to you, but I haven’t seen her because Leah really is a difficult person.”
“Leah and Leo?”
“I know.”
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me.”
“Honestly, Saina, I don’t get it either. It’s all I’ve been thinking about and I don’t have any answers yet. Fear, probably. I didn’t want to lose either of you. I still don’t.”
“I didn’t realize that I came across as some horrible person who would refuse to date a man with a child.”
“Not everyone wants to be a stepmother. But, listen, it wasn’t just that. Okay, this . . . god, I’m embarrassed to even say this.”
“What?”
“I think part of me didn’t want to come across as that guy, you know?”
“What guy?”
“Saina.”
“What?”
“You know, that guy. The black guy who’s a deadbeat dad. With a baby mama in every town.”
“Are you serious? Why would I even think that? You’re an organic farmer!”
“Okay, that’s not the only thing. I think I was also afraid, and to be honest, I still am, afraid—”
“Of what?”
“That you’ll convince me to sue for visitation or something and I’ll lose her forever. Leah’s family is in Quebec. If I piss her off, she could take Kaya up there and hide out from me.”
“You could have explained that to me!”
“I know.”
“Leo, you are so good, and so generous, and so caring, but I think that sometimes you don’t want to let anyone else be those things.” She waited. She listened to him breath and think. She willed herself not to speak in the long silence that followed, but in the end, she broke down. “Hey, so is your daughter the reason why you shut down when we were in the car before the Bard graduation thing?”
“You noticed that? Of course you did. Yeah. It didn’t seem like the best time to bring it up.”
“But you wanted to.”
“I did.”
“I thought you were just freaked-out that I talked about babies.”
“Oh no, no. I wasn’t. I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
“Do you know what I was thinking about?”
“Hmm?”
“How you lost your birth mom’s picture. How you didn’t know what your family looked like. And that if you had a baby, maybe you would.”
“Oh, Saina. Come home, will you?”
“Is Helios home?”
“No, but I am.”
“Leo.”
“I am. And you are.”
She was quiet until it felt like she’d been quiet for too long, and then, “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
After Saina hung up the phone, she stood in the hallway for a moment with her eyes closed. It was comforting being in the midst of such a din, becoming invisible in a way she realized she never had in America.
Had she just un-broken-up with Leo? She had. She had. It meant that she would meet Kaya and accept that someone else had already done the good work of anchoring him in the world. Was that okay? It would have to be, at least for now.
Without even realizing it, Saina was smiling to herself. If she walked back into the banquet room now, Andrew and Grace would definitely know that something had happened. Stalling, she scanned her emails. There was a new message from Xio, the curator who had written to her months before, asking her to propose a project for the new Beijing Biennial.
Dear,Saina,
How are you?I know we already try,to inquire if you are interested?Although I do not hear you back,now I try for second time,because,we have a confirmed artist from Israel who have many visa problems,so he cannot participate any more.Perhaps I askasecond time and have a better reply?I hope so!We think this is a verygood opportunity.This is not nonsense just to promote friendship,to give opportunity for banquet.It isofficial Biennial.We work with top museum in many country: Dubai,Russia,Portugal,Uruguay,and more.
Addendum:Please excuse my poor English!My assistant is not here today so I write for myself!
Hope stabbed at her. She hit reply and wrote:
Xio—
So lovely to hear from you again, and big apologies for not getting back to you much sooner! Believe it or not, I am actually in China right now, not far from Beijing, and would love to set up a time to meet and discuss possibilities! Are you free this week?
Send.
And then, without letting herself think about it, she pulled up Grayson’s email and hit reply. Typing quickly, she wrote:
I can’t love you anymore.
Send.
Saina was still standing in the hallway, knowing that she had stayed away long enough to be noticed, when Bing Bing grabbed her hand.
“It. Is. Time to. Go. The hos. Pital. Call. They. Say to. Come. Now.”