The Vargas Cartel Trilogy (Vargas Cartel #1-3)(93)
He kissed one eyelid and then the other. Fire and passion sparked inside my heart. I tried to stifle the hitch in my breath, but it sounded like a moan.
“You can’t what?” he asked.
“I don’t know if I want to be with you. You’re no better than Evan and his dad. No, you’re worse. You’re the hired muscle beating the weak and vulnerable into submission for a bunch of shady *s.”
Ryker chuckled, and my eyes popped open. “Trust me, Hattie. Nobody I deal with is weak or vulnerable. Far from it. More like corrupted and greedy, sometimes worse. Much worse.”
I frowned. “And that makes everything okay in your mind.”
He lips curled into a half smile. “It makes my job palatable.”
My eyes trailed down his body and back up again. I studied him, scrutinizing every twitch in his jaw, move of his mouth, and the tilt of his chin. I counted the number of times he blinked. I evaluated the size of his pupils and the contours of his forearms. For some unfathomable reason, I believed I’d find the answers to all my questions hidden somewhere in the depths of his face. I found nothing. A vacant mask. An empty wall. How could he conceal his emotions so easily? Mine bled out of my pores, announcing everything as effectively as broadcasting them through a bullhorn.
“What’s that?” I pointed to rust-colored flecks on his shirt resembling bloodstains.
He glanced at his shirt and dropped his hands from my shoulders. “A hard day at work.”
Disgusted with him and myself, I ripped the blanket off my shoulders and tossed it at his face. My frustration wasn’t limited to his career choice. He had kept me in the dark, hiding the rest of his life from me, lying until he thought he could trust me with the truth, or maybe he hoped he’d never have to tell me. Instead, Evan told me, which doubled the betrayal.
“I’m going home. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I stood and broke into a jog, knowing I wouldn’t be able to maintain my composure for much longer. He lunged for me, but I evaded him with a last minute sidestep.
In all honesty, I didn’t know where I planned to go, much less sleep at night. I didn’t want to see Vera yet. I hadn’t determined the extent of her role in Evan’s scheming. The email didn’t confirm or deny her complicity. Instead, it made me second-guess everything. Until I had more information, I wouldn’t step foot in her apartment again, which meant I had to check into a hotel because my parents’ house wasn’t an option. Dealing with my mom right now would send me into a tailspin. One needling comment and I’d explode.
I darted through the trees, and away from the man who turned me inside out with nothing more than a smile or a fleeting glance. Water seeped through the holes of my laser-cut leather ballet flats. Mud splashed my pants. I nearly slipped on the wet grass more than once, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other, determined to put as much time and space between Ryker and me as possible. If I concentrated hard enough, I could pretend the last three months hadn’t happened.
That he wasn’t following me.
That he’d let me go.
That everything would right itself, and I’d be happy again.
“Hattie,” Ryker said, enveloping my hips with his large hands and yanking my back against his chest. The warmth of his body penetrated my soaked shirt. The steady beat of his heart drummed against my spine. My eyelids slid closed in dismay. His warm breath tickled my ear, and my entire body stiffened, every bitterly cold muscle in my body coiling tighter and tighter. The chaotic buzzing in my head got louder and louder as my jumbled desires swirled relentlessly through my mind.
“Let me go.” Tears bled from the corners of my eyes, and sadness rippled in tiny waves through my soul. “Please, just let me go. I’m not playing this game with you today. Okay?” I pleaded weakly, my voice wavering.
He tightened his grip on my hips, and electric sparks shot through his fingertips, igniting my barely suppressed yearning for him. “No, you’re upset, you’re soaking wet, and it’s dark. I’m not letting you wander the city right now, regardless of whether you think I’m playing games with you.”
I cradled my head in my hands as a veil of lust whirled around us. I mentally sliced it into a million jagged pieces, desperately searching for any remnants of my common sense. How could I feel so close to him yet so far from him all at once? How could I want him but hate him?
“I had a bad day. I don’t want to fight with you today. I need some space to get my thoughts together. I’m not running away.”
“Listen,” he whispered as he tangled his fingers in my hair, brushing it away from my face. “I’m not a hit man, and I generally don’t go around beating up people. What happened today was unusual. For the most part, I analyze the numbers, secure waivers from legislation, make ominous phone calls, raise the money, covertly manage or redirect the media, and facilitate the consummation or destruction of deals.”
“Is everything you do legal?”
“I won’t lie, some of it steps over the line, but as of today it’s all in the past. I don’t want to do it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. I don’t need the money, and I don’t want the headache anymore. It’s over, okay?”
I dropped my hands, and they swayed like tumbleweed against my legs. “You don’t have to quit for me. We’re just…” My voice trailed off, and I shrugged. I didn’t know how to define our relationship. We were so many things—all of them contradictory, like a string of double negatives. In the end, they canceled each other out, but instead of equaling a positive, we were left with a void. “We’re nothing,” I mumbled, and my lungs contracted in my chest, my entire being objecting to my declaration. I was screwed up, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be normal again.