The Vargas Cartel Trilogy (Vargas Cartel #1-3)(61)

I lifted my cup of coffee to my lips, letting the steam curl around my face. “I’m sorry. I wish I could offer you more.” The last two weeks had passed in a blur of nothingness. Holed up in our small two-bedroom townhome, I went through the motions of living, but I felt detached from everything and everyone. Nothing seemed real anymore. I floated through life like a zombie…lifeless, brainless, and indifferent.

“I asked for a second chance. You moved back in. You’re wearing the ring.” He knitted his fingers through mine, lifting my hand, displaying the engagement ring he gave me two weeks ago. “But you can’t be mad at me for wanting more.”

“More?” My mind raced with the implications of his request. Could I give him more? I wanted to move on with my life, but was Evan the answer? I didn’t know. The thought of being intimate with him repulsed me.

He swiveled around and pinned me against the countertop. “Yes. I want my girlfriend back. I want the woman I’ve loved for the last four years back. I want to hold you. I want to kiss you. I want to laugh with you. I want to make you happy again. Is that so bad?”

I swallowed over the lump lodged in my throat. “I wish I could be her again, but I’m not sure it’s possible.”

“Anything’s possible.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “But you have to get up every day and try.”

He was right. I barely left the house anymore. I went to the therapist twice a week. I ate dinner at my parents’ house every Sunday. That’s it. I took a leave of absence from school, and instead of graduating next month, I’d put it off indefinitely. Vera had been blowing up my phone every day since I stepped foot off the plane with Evan. I never answered her calls, but I did send her a text every day or two. I couldn’t face her yet. She’d want answers. Answers I wasn’t ready to give. Answers I might never be ready to give.

“Maybe.”

He leaned forward, his lips only inches from mine. My mind pleaded with me to push him away. Instead, I squeezed my eyes shut and forced my muscles to melt into him. I needed to let go of the past and move forward. That meant exploring if there was anything left between Evan and me. His lips brushed across mine. I balled my hands into fists.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I tilted my head to the side and parted my lips, pushing my limits, moving outside of my comfort zone. He tasted like coffee and toothpaste all mixed together. His tongue moved against mine, testing my willingness.

It’s not bad.

I’m not hurting anyone.

I’m not cheating.

Slowly, I uncurled my fists, breathing through my nose. My eyes popped open, and I studied his face. His eyes were closed. He looked relaxed…peaceful even. I counted to ten in my head. Eight, nine, ten…and that was all I could manage for today.

I turned my head to the side, breaking the kiss. “Stop.”

He backpedaled a few micro-steps and nodded. I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth, and he flinched as though I hit him.

“I’m sorry,” I said for at least the hundredth time in the last week. “I just…” My voice faded to silence, and I shook my head from side to side almost imperceptibly. “I don’t know.” How could I explain why I stopped kissing him? Why didn’t I want to kiss him? Sleep with him? I couldn’t, unless I revealed the whole sordid story of my abduction and how I still wanted him, the man who abducted me.

“No, it’s okay.” He smiled, his eyes dancing with mischief, and if I weren’t completely miserable and disgusted with myself, I would’ve savored his happiness and committed it to memory. “It’s progress.”

My shoulders sagged in defeat, and I repressed a long sigh. “Yeah, I guess. What are you doing today?”

“I have a few things to take care of at school, and then my mom and I are going to lunch.”

“Really?” Evan rarely spent one on one time with his mom.

“Yep. We have a party to put together, and you know how my mom loves to plan.”

“What kind of party?” I asked, my heart stuttering in my chest.

“It was supposed to be a surprise. My mom wanted it to be a surprise, but I don’t want you to panic.”

My eyes flared, and my stomach somersaulted. “A surprise?”

“My parents are hosting an engagement party for us next weekend.”

My mouth opened and then closed in rapid succession. The edge of my vision blurred. My knees wobbled, and I braced my elbows on the countertop so I didn’t collapse. My emotions seesawed up and down, but mostly down. Always and inevitably down.

“Breathe, Hattie, breathe.”

His words ricocheted through my soul like slivers of glass. “I can’t do it. I’m not ready,” I finally blurted out.

“It’s time, Hattie. Even your therapist agreed it’d be okay to take this step forward. You have ten days to prepare yourself to join the world of the living again. You’ll be fine.”

Panicked, I shook my head from side to side. “No,” I whispered, but it came out more like a groan than a word.

Evan moved forward, closing the space between our bodies. He grabbed my hands, but instead of feeling comforted, I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of his expectations.

“Hattie. I won’t leave your side the entire night. If you’re uncomfortable, squeeze my hand and we’ll leave. We can do this.”