The Territory (Josie Gray Mysteries #1)(72)

“Josie, the Mexican and United States governments can’t figure out how to solve the problem. What in the world makes you think you can?”

“That’s just it, though! No one gets it. It’s like looking at those sad pictures of starving kids in Africa. They’re disturbing to look at, the problem seems too big, but it’s not in people’s neighborhood, so they turn the page. They watch a thirty-second news blip on TV and figure they’re informed. Unless you live with this fear every day, how can you know how serious it is?”

“So what now?”

She scowled and rubbed her temples. “I don’t know. I care so much about this town and about this damned job, but it’s destroying my life. I’m scared to sleep in my own bed. I can’t walk my dog outside without worrying I’ll be gunned down by some Mexican cartel. I feel like my life has spun completely out of control.” She took a deep breath and folded her hands in front of her on the table. “Mostly, what bothers me is how much I need you, and I am so sorry that I’ve lost you.”

He took a minute and seemed to be considering her words. She wondered if she had said too much.

“I’ve always been guarded with you because I didn’t want to scare you off, or make you think I was pushing you into something you weren’t ready for. I’m too tired for that anymore,” he said.

She nodded, and he seemed to take it as the okay to continue.

“I love you, Josie. I’ve fallen in love with a cop. I didn’t realize until the last couple of days just what that means to you. The day those gunmen came into your home and shot up your bedroom, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that you would willingly step back into that kind of danger again. It seemed like utter suicide to me, and I resented that. I resented that you cared more about your career than your life with me.”

He paused, his eyes tired. He reached a hand across the table and placed it over both of hers. “I would have turned in my badge if I were you. But I thought about it. I’m an accountant; I’m not a cop. This is what you do, and I have to trust you can handle the job. That you’ll be as safe as possible so you can come home at the end of the day.”

She took one of her hands from under his and rubbed at her eyes. “I’m terrible at this. I don’t even think I know what love is. I know I want it, and I know I’ve never cared for anyone like I care for you. Maybe that’s what love is. I just feel like I don’t deserve what you give me, and I have so little to give you in return. I felt lousy calling you this morning after what you’ve been through.”

He smiled and leaned wearily back in his chair, rubbing both his hands over the top of his head, a move she had long ago recognized as a sign of frustration in him. “Your phone call was what I’ve been waiting on for months. Before today, you’ve never admitted you need anyone. It’s not easy dating Superwoman. I have an ego, too.”

She felt the air change as if a wire had snapped, releasing the tension in the room. “How many times can we start over?” she asked.

“I guess until we get it right.”

*

After Dillon left, Josie slept on the couch for four dreamless hours and then dragged herself off the couch into a hot shower. She drove to town, forcing her eyes to stay open, and logged on for the four-thirty-to-midnight shift with Otto. She was at her desk when he entered the office. He looked as if he had gotten less sleep than she had.

“We’re too old for this,” he said, sitting down in his chair but facing Josie’s desk rather than his own. “You get any sleep?”

“Couple hours. You?”

He tilted his head, noncommittal. “You staying at your place?”

“Yep.”

“You need to set up some counseling for those shootings.”

Josie gave her own noncommittal shrug.

“You can’t kill three men, I don’t care how justified they were, and not get some kind of mental issues from it. Delores said one of her friends has a son in Odessa who’s supposed to be some kind of super shrink. Give him a call. Charge the bill to the mayor.”

“If I need to talk, I’ll talk to you. I don’t want to talk about it with a stranger.”

“I’m not going to let up on this one,” he said.

“I have no doubt.”

“You going to call the sheriff?” Otto asked, still facing Josie.

“About what?”

He didn’t answer, just looked at her.

“What is this? Since when did you turn into my mother?”

“You’d feel better if you got the call over with. Put it out of your mind that way.”

“Otto! Give me a break!” Josie faced her desk and turned her computer on to end the conversation. She knew she needed to make things right with Martínez. She hoped that he understood the position she had been in, but truth was, she’d be furious if roles had been reversed. He’d been refused access to his own jail while the city police and the feds took down one of his employees. She promised herself that she’d call later.

They both began the process of slogging through the phone calls and e-mails required of any major investigation with DPS and Border Patrol. The paperwork and documentation, especially with two homicides, would take days to complete. At five thirty, Lou buzzed Josie and told her Mayor Moss was on his way up to see her.