The Story of Me (Carnage #2)(18)

“What d’ya mean?” he asks.

“Well, I had no great desire to kill myself or to be dead. I just didn’t want to live. I mean, if living meant a life with no Sean and no Beau, then I didn’t want it. I didn’t care how it was achieved; I didn’t care if I just died or if they just drugged me to the point where I didn’t exist, because that was fine, too. So, if you consider all those symptoms of depression, then yes, I was depressed.” I’m not sure where any of this is going, but I keep listening.

“Did you bargain at any time? Did you—”

I cut him off. “Constantly, all the time. I still do, and I probably always will: me for them or me and Sean for Beau. I know Sean would be pissed off with me for wanting to swap my life for his, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he would do anything to protect our son.”

Jackson nods as he listens to me. “Well, all of that is to be expected, but I think what’s happened since you’ve been here is that acceptance has crept up on you. Being here, away from anything Sean-related, has made you come to terms with the fact that he’s gone, and in turn, that realisation has made you angry.”

I swig the last of my beer. “Why are you teaching tourists how to surf? Why don’t you get yourself set up as a proper shrink and open a practice as a head doctor?” My heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I can feel the blood whoosh up to my brain with every beat. It feels like it’s going to burst out of my ears on its way. I turn my head to look at him, and he gives me a gentle smile.

“Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh and direct. I just want you to understand what’s going on in that beautiful brain of yours.”

I smile back at him. “How’d you know my brain’s beautiful?”

His grin widens. “Because you’re related to me and we only do beautiful in this family.” I throw my head back and laugh, but before I get a chance to say any more, there’s a knock on the front door. “Shit, that’s Roman, and I smell like a fry-up. Let him in and keep him company while I have a quick shower, would ya please?”

“Why the f*ck is Roman here?”

“Jax, f*ck off. Don’t go all Bailey, Lennon, Marley on me, just let him in.”

I run to the bathroom and have possibly the quickest shower of my life, even managing to wash the smell of food out of my hair. I dry it off quickly and tie it up in a messy bun, then throw on some clothes. I’ve been less than twenty minutes, which for me, ain’t bad going.

As I step out of the bedroom, I hear Jackson talking.

“She’s done so well since she’s been here. I swear to f*ckin’ God, if you set her back in any way, I will kill you, Rome.” I hover in the doorway of my bedroom, unsure of what I want to do. Okay, I’m lying. I’m a woman. I’m nosey. I know what I want to do, and that’s to stand here and listen to their conversation.

“Calm the f*ck down, will ya, man? I only met her last night. It’s… I… Fuck, Jax, I don’t know. I only met her last night, and I had no idea who she was other than your cousin, but it was just…” He pauses and I stand frozen, with my hand over mouth; he has such a sexy accent, much stronger than Jackson’s as Jax was born and lived in England till he was about twelve. “It was like, you ever had that thing happen where it feels like your heart is joined to your dick and balls?” I hear Jackson laugh and I almost do, too. “It’s like there’s a bit of string running through your body and every time your heart beats, it pulls and makes your dick twitch and your balls go tight.” Jackson is really laughing now, and I have to step back inside the bedroom and try to compose myself. “Don’t f*ckin’ laugh at me, dude. I’m spilling my guts here,” Roman complains, but I can hear the smile in his voice.

“I’m sorry, mate. I’m sorry. I do know what you mean; I’ve just never heard it described like that, but I know what you mean.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happened as soon as I laid eyes on her. It was f*ckin’ weird, it, I... It’s only ever happened to me once before, that feeling. It was just weird, ya know. It threw me.” The boys are both quiet for a few seconds, so I take the opportunity to close my bedroom door and walk out to where they’re sitting. Roman’s ice-blue eyes meet mine instantly, and the corner of his mouth turns up in a slight smile. I smile back, feeling a little disappointed that the small something I felt inside me last night isn’t quite as strong today.

“Hey,” he says with a slight nod.

“All right,” I reply, both he and Jackson laugh and they both repeat, “all right,” in the worst English accents I’ve ever heard. “Fuck off, you two… and you, Jackson Bell, should be ashamed, taking the piss out of your own accent.”

He stands from his stool and stretches. “I lost that accent on my second day at school here, straight after the third time I was beat up for having it.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’ve gotta go. What you two crazy kids got planned?” He looks between Roman and me; I blush slightly for some reason and shrug.

“I was gonna take a drive along the coast road and maybe stop off at the lighthouse.”

Jackson nods. “Well, drive carefully.” He swings his gaze to me and looks me up and down; I’m wearing shorts, a vest and I have a bikini on underneath. “You need more clothes on… and you,” he swings his gaze back to Roman, “just remember what I said.” Roman nods and they do one of those ‘brothers from the hood’ handshake things.