The Stepmother(55)

 

 

 

 

 

Thirty-Six

 

 

 

 

 

Jeanie

 

 

 

 

 

13 March 2015

 

 

 

 

 

Waking this morning, I feel a sense of dread that I can’t quite place.

 

Then I remember: I’ve lost my job before I even started it, Frankie’s not here – and the twins are coming for the weekend.

 

Frankie’s still so angry about his row with Matthew, he’s still refusing to come home. Last night I took a bag of clean clothes to George’s, humiliated further when George’s mum looked at me like I was useless.

 

I should be used to people looking at me like that.

 

It still hurts though.

 

The gardener is outside again, mowing the already shorn grass.

 

I force myself out of bed and downstairs, but I can’t be bothered to go for a run. The running’s definitely on the slide.

 

Someone on breakfast television is talking about subverting negative thoughts. ‘It’s so easy to get into a downward spiral. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?’ the glossy life-coach lady says cheerily to the presenter, her bright earrings jingling. ‘But if we’re feeling down, why not make ourselves think up!’

 

She makes it sound so easy – and she looks like she’s never been there in her life.

 

They move on to an item about making your own pizza dough. I switch the television off and sit staring into space.

 

The gardener clomps across my sight line, and I duck out of view. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

 

The phone breaks into my thoughts about being more positive, about approaching the twins’ forthcoming stay with positivity. If I can do that, it will be a positive experience for us all.

 

‘Hello?’

 

‘It’s Kaye, Jeanie. How are you?’

 

‘Oh,’ I say blankly. ‘Fine, thanks. Matthew’s at work actually…’

 

‘It was you I wanted,’ she says. ‘I just…’ Slight pause. ‘Well I wanted to apologise.’

 

‘Apologise?’ I feel my brows knit. ‘Why?’

 

‘I was a bit – hostile, maybe, the other day. I didn’t mean to be. You seem like a really nice lady. And I think Scarlett needs all the help she can get, Jean. Would you be an angel and keep a special eye out for her?’

 

‘Sure.’ I am completely nonplussed by Kaye’s camaraderie. ‘But – why? I mean, are you worried about something in particular?’

 

‘Oh you know, not really. It’s just – it’s a difficult time for her, isn’t it? Puberty and all that! And everyone knows what teenage girls are like, don’t they? I mean, we both were one once.’

 

‘Yes, well, that’s true.’

 

‘And she’s such a daddy’s girl.’

 

‘Is she?’ I am cautious now. What’s Kaye driving at?

 

‘Of course she is! Although I’m so close to her…’

 

‘I suppose…’ This is my chance. ‘I wondered, have you had any suspicions she might be cutting herself?’

 

‘Cutting?’

 

‘Like – self-harming? It’s pretty common in girls of her—’

 

‘Are you joking?’ Kaye’s voice is rising. ‘Cutting? She’s not doing that, Jean, I’m sure of it. I’d know.’

 

‘Okay.’ It isn’t my place really. ‘Of course I’ll keep an eye out for her anyway.’

 

‘Thanks, Jeanie.’ She recovers herself. ‘That’s so kind of you. Let’s be pals, shall we? It’ll be better for all of us, won’t it?’

 

‘Of course.’

 

‘Great. I’ll drop the kids round in a bit.’

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

5 p.m.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Breakfast TV has been most helpful today: now I’m making home-made pizza for everyone. Cooking’s always therapeutic I find; I have since I was a kid – something about providing for people. And all kids like Italian food – even the fussy Scarlett. I text Frankie and ask him if he might come home this evening. Please. I tell him how much I miss him.

 

He doesn’t answer.