The Stars Are Legion(57)

Yet seeing her makes me angry. It makes me angry because no matter how hard I try, I cannot forget what I’ve done to get here. Zan is able to forget. I’m not. How can I pity her when she gets to start over? It’s me who has to feel what happened. It’s me who carries the burden. It’s me who carries on while she flails about like an empty-headed child driven to one purpose. I have to feel because I can shutter it away, box it up like something that happened to someone else. She can’t. She never could.

When you understand what the world is, you have two choices: Become a part of that world and perpetuate that system forever and ever, unto the next generation. Or fight it, and break it, and build something new.

The former is safer, and easier. The latter is scarier, because who is to say what you build will be any better?

But living in servitude is not living. Slavery ensures one’s existence, but there is no future in it.

Zan and I believed in the future.

“Help me,” I say aloud, and Sabita turns and grimaces.

“I see she’s hobbled you,” Sabita signs, “or did you do that to yourself, to garner pity? I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“Don’t pretend to know me,” I say out loud, and I remember the girls could walk in at any moment, so I switch back to signing. “Do you know how far the hangar is from here?”

“Planning escape? If you’d wanted to escape, I’d think you’d have done it by now.”

“And go where?” I sign. “Tell me of Katazyrna.”

“It’s at war,” Sabita signs. “If she tells you she’s routed it, she’s lying. Half of the people she brought there sided with us when they saw how rich the world was. They’re trying to push out her people. She has a civil war over there. I couldn’t believe I didn’t see any signs of it here. There is a whole faction over there trying to separate itself from Bhavaja.”

“Her family has turned on her here,” I sign. “I didn’t know it was out of control over there, though.”

“I was holding out with three of her own people,” Sabita signs. “She killed them and took me. I thought I was dead for sure. Where are Neith and Gavatra?”

“Dead with the rest,” I sign. “I think so, anyway. We were separated before the joining.”

“What a fucking disaster,” Sabita signs. “You sure got what you wanted, though, didn’t you?”

“What do you know about what I want?”

“Zan told me once, early on, that you two wanted to get you into Bhavaja hands. I don’t know why. But I hope it’s working out for you.”

“Rasida is smart,” I sign.

“Rasida’s a fucking madwoman.”

I have nothing to add to that. I just nod, and the girls come back in with refreshments. I wave them off into another room, and sit down to eat with Sabita at a small table at the end of my bed.

If Rasida turned Sabita before bringing her here, she’s done a very good job. Still, I hedge my bets. It’s my distrust that has kept me alive so far. I can’t let it go, not yet.

We say nothing as we eat. Sabita gorges on the protein gel and greens. There are sour, soft-skin fruits as well, and she eats them greedily.

When she is done, she signs, “How are we getting out of here, then?”

“We’re not,” I sign.

She leans toward me. “You are the smartest of the Katazyrnas,” she signs. “You conquered whole worlds. You can conquer one crazy woman.”

“Soon,” I sign. “I need to find something.”

“What’s taken you so long?” Sabita signs, and it’s the look on her face—exasperated, disbelieving—that shifts something inside of me.

The Jayd she remembers would not sit here in bed, unwashed, melancholy. The Jayd she remembers would fight. And fight. And fight. I can smile and pretend at servitude, but all that pretending has finally caught up with me. It’s in that moment that I realize I have become what Rasida believes me to be. I have fought so hard to convince her that I am hers that I have allowed myself to be cowed. I fear her. I want to please her. I’m not just pretending anymore. I have become everything I wanted Rasida to think I was. I can’t do this anymore.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I sign.

Sabita raises her brows. “That is something I never thought you would say.”

“Best I never say it out loud, then,” I sign, and push away from the table.

It’s time to court Rasida again. It’s time to find the world.





“WORLDS ARE BORN, AND WORLDS DIE. I JUST NEVER EXPECTED THE DYING WORLD WOULD BE MINE.”

—LORD MOKSHI, ANNALS OF THE LEGION





23


ZAN


What happened to the Mokshi?” I ask Das Muni. My fingers are trembling.

“I don’t know,” she says. “We were attacked. Recycled, most of us. Some there, but many here.”

“Who attacked the Mokshi? The Bhavajas? The Katazyrnas?”

“I don’t know,” Das Muni says. “It was a long time ago.”

“How long?” I’ve raised my voice, and she cringes.

“I don’t know,” she says. “It was long ago. I’m sorry. Meatmoth—”