The Spiral Down (The Fall Up #2)(75)

My lips thinned as I arched an eyebrow. “Well, this must be awkward as hell for you, then.”

He ignored my joke. “I like men. I like women. But, at the end of the day, I am not defined by my sexuality. I just want to find someone who makes me happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman. I have no preference. When I’m with someone, it’s because of the person they are, not the genitalia they were born with.”

And it was official. I was a dick. But not the good kind. I was the huge, hot-pink dildo of men. I found my dates based on their sexuality alone. The person they were didn’t even factor in my relationships—if you could call them that. All they needed was a cock and a penchant for woman and they were automatically my type.

However, as I realized what a terrible person I was and saw the figurative golden halo forming over Evan’s head, part of me still celebrated.

He was with me.

Which meant, if what he was telling me was true, he was with me…for me.

It was a simple concept that should have been assumed, but for a man like me, it was overwhelming, and my throat began to close in response.

His strong hands cupped my jaw while his thumb lazily stroked my cheek. “I see you’re starting to understand.”

Not trusting my voice, I nodded in response.

“Good. Now, let me finish story time so I can make you understand everything a hell of a lot better.”

I nodded again.

“I was allowed to leave the Academy after my second year, no penalty. But, once you start your third year, you’re expected to sign a contract, much like an enlistment. Shannon had already signed, so if he got the boot and was unable to serve out his time in the Air Force—say, if he were gay—he would have been stuck repaying a ton of money. So Shannon devised a plan. We were only a few weeks from the end of the year, so he told me to transfer out and he’d cheat on a final exam in order to get kicked out without that nasty little gay word being added to his file. With promises of him working off his contract and supporting us while I finished college somewhere else, I was completely on board. We approached Dave, the guy who’d caught us, with our plan and he agreed not to out us as long as we left the Academy. I was so f*cking blinded by Shannon that I never even wondered how this guy who’d been ready to throw us under the bus because it was his duty had changed his tune in a matter of days to the point that he was okay with lying as long as we left the Academy.”

I drew in a sharp breath as my stomach started to churn. As much as I wanted him to get to the part where he kicked Shannon to the curb because, deep down, he knew I was out there waiting on him, I had a sneaking suspicion that that wasn’t how it was going to end. And, as pain and regret sifted through Evan’s features, I hated being right.

Giving his hip a comforting squeeze, I silently encouraged him to continue.

“It was Shannon’s idea to call my mom and John that night and tell them I was leaving school because I was gay. God.” He paused, closing his eyes for a long, agonizing moment. When they popped open, the pain was gone, but there was a storm brewing more prominently than ever. “It was the only time in my life I’d actually said the word. But I was in love and Shannon was gay. I wanted to be whatever he was.”

I stretched my arm out and pulled his head down on top of it. His large body curled into mine as the memories ravaged him.

“I hate when people call me gay now,” he whispered then kissed my arm. “Not because there’s anything wrong with it, but because it’s not who I am. It’s who he was.”

I lazily drew a circle on his shoulder. “What did your parents say?”

“They were shocked but accepting. It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it was going to be. Shannon sat with me through it all.”

At least there was that. I’d heard horror stories about telling the parents. It might have been the only positive about not having a family—I hadn’t had a closet to come out of.

“Anyway…I left school a few weeks later. He kissed me in his car at the airport, told me he loved me, and I’ve never heard from him again.”

My.

Heart.

Stopped.

“I’m sorry. What?”

“He cut me out of his life the very next day. Sound familiar?”

I cursed under my breath as guilt consumed me.

“I inadvertently heard the specifics from my friends who kept in touch. You remember my buddy Scott, right?”

“Unless this ends with he killed Shannon, I’m not sure that is a pertinent question at this juncture,” I snapped, horrified by what I’d just heard.

He chuckled and kissed my shoulder. “No. The Air Force is a small world. Shannon is a civilian contractor now. He and Scott work together these days.”

My body jerked. “Okay…now, unless this ends with you killing Scott since the last time I saw him in your f*cking house, I’m really not sure this is a pertinent question.”

He laughed loudly, but I saw not one thing funny. I had to have been missing something.

“Scott doesn’t ask questions,” Evan continued. “And I was so embarrassed that I never told him the whole truth about what happened. He knew that Shannon and I were seeing each other. He knew after I left school that we broke up. And he has gathered over the years that it was nasty. He does his best to never even mention that Shannon exists. But he doesn’t know the details.”