The Space Between Us(109)

Dear Love,

Forgive me, I’m not waiting here for you. But this is where it all started. Those fall days spent here with you, catching fish, building a friendship that saved me. I remember us here. All the time, Asher. I think about you all the time.

Being with David was hard for me. I never loved him. I stayed with him to make myself feel a little bit normal. Normal women didn’t cry every day for their babies. They didn’t wear a ring their ex-boyfriend gave them only to remind them of a love they’d never get over.

I didn’t lie to David because I wished you were dead. I told him that lie because I couldn’t live with the truth. I would have taken our love to the grave, Asher. It was sacred to me and no one needed to know about it. If I spoke about it, the loss felt more real. I guess I don’t expect you to understand why I lied. I just want you to understand it was a lie, not how I truly felt, not how I truly feel. Was it the right decision? Probably not. But it was the best choice I could make at the time. I’m not the same girl I was five years ago, not even the same person I was five months ago.

You changed me Asher. You gave me the opportunity to forgive myself, to love myself, to accept that things happen for no reason at all, and it’s no one’s fault. I don’t have to hide behind my sadness anymore, because it isn’t shameful. I lost a pregnancy, our babies, but it wasn’t my fault. I ran from you in college because I couldn’t handle everything all at once. But I’m not running anymore, Asher. I’m here – waiting for you.

All of a sudden this seems silly. There’s a very good chance that you read my letter at the house and drove away. I wouldn’t blame you if that was your choice. But I hope, so much, that you’re reading this letter. And I hope you’ll come and find me in the very spot where you asked me to be with you. The first time.

I looked around frantically, hoping to see her. I breathed quickly, my heart beating out of my chest. I climbed back up the bank and followed the path around the park. When I saw the gazebo the first thing I noticed was that it was lit up. There were string lights hanging from the top, but as I got closer I noticed the entire interior was filled with candles. The flickering light of the flames made an orange haze float out from the gazebo and reflect off the water.

The candlelight also illuminated the hundreds of yellow roses that filled the space surrounding Charlie.

She wore a white dress and I was reminded of the day when I was fifteen when I first kissed her. The candles sent light flickering over her, making her dress dance in the light, her hair shining and flowing down to her waist.

She smiled when she saw me and her hands came to cover her mouth. Tears came from her eyes and I knew she was happy. Happy to see me. Happy that I’d followed the trail, read the letters, and came to her.

I had never been happier. She came back to me and in the end that was all I ever really wanted from her. For her to accept us both, for all our flaws, and love us anyway. Nothing would have ever worked between us until she could do that. And her standing here, waiting for me, was the best apology I ever received.

I didn’t stop running until I was close enough to hold her in my arms. I picked her up and brought my lips to hers, kissing her like I wanted to for thirteen years – with absolutely nothing between us – no lies, no misunderstandings, no blame and no guilt. From now on, the space between us would be filled with love.

“Are you really here?” She asked against my mouth. I pulled away and brushed her hair away from her face.

“I’ve always been here, Bit. I was just waiting for you.”

She brought her hands to my face and pressed her lips to mine.

This was a hello kiss. This hello kiss was perfect. A greeting. A beginning. Something new.



The End



Acknowledgements


There are so many people who deserve a thank you from me it’s a little ridiculous.

First, always, is my husband. Thank you for supporting me emotionally when I decided to quit my job! You were the right amount of hesitant, understanding, supportive and awesome when everything started happening for me. Thank you for trusting me enough and believing in me enough to say, “Sure! Quit your job and become a full-time writer. Surely, nothing can go wrong with this plan.” I don’t know how long this will last but thirty years from now I can look back at 2014 as the year that changed my life. Changed our lives. Thank you.

To Team Anie! Brook and Krysta, what the hell are we doing? Krysta, your continual drive and interest in all my stories motivates me. You want to make me better and I want to be better because you make me feel like I can be. I feel like we have both grown so much in the last year, learning the ins and outs of this profession, and there’s no one I would have rather been on this journey with than you. Brook, you inspire me. Truly. Your vision impacts me, motivates me, and does not compromise. You are gifted and I am so lucky that you lend your gifts to my stories. Thank you both for making me better.

To my street team, the original members and the new, I love you all so much! You make me laugh, smile, and sometimes cry – but in a good way. I appreciate every one of you and hope you understand that I know the work you do for me. I see it and I feel it and I am thankful for it.

To Lesley, I’m not sure if you’ll read this, but if you are I know you’re probably shaking your head and thinking how unnecessary it is. But I wanted you to know how many times I’ve been thankful for you while writing this book. Every time you sent me an encouraging message, or just chatted with me about nothing relating to the book, it’s helped me. I value your friendship.