The Sleepwalker(36)

“You would light up before and after the life-changers,” I said, and I smiled ever so slightly at the idea. “Those really big moments. The really big good ones and the really big bad ones.”

“When your child is growing up and leaves home, it’s good and bad. It’s both. But mostly good. It’s only bad because we’re all a little selfish as parents, and we hate to see our babies move away. But, of course, we’re also crazy proud. I mean, I’m living that empty nest right now with Paul off at school.”

“Did my dad ever join you when you’d smoke? Or your husband?”

“So, is this what happens when our kids grow up? We talk to them about our dope?”

“Oh, come on,” I said playfully. “I know you and Paul sometimes light up together.”

“Well, there is that…”

“So, did my dad sometimes come over with my mom?”

“For a smoke? No. She wouldn’t have wanted you and your father to know.”

“Really? Not even my dad?”

“No way. Your father? He would so not have approved,” she said, and she laughed once, an exuberant and unexpectedly big chuckle.

A thought came to me, and I wasn’t sure whether to pursue it. But I also knew that I couldn’t resist. “I guess not,” I agreed. “Did my mom have any other secrets from my dad? You know, things she would tell you but not him?”

Instantly Marilyn stood up very tall, her whole body stiffening. She reached behind her head for her braid, as if she wanted to make sure it was still there. “What sorts of things?”

“I don’t know. Girl things,” I suggested, hoping to defuse the tension with a silly expression.

“Give me a for instance.”

“Her sleepwalking.”

“That is so not a girl thing. There was nothing playful about her sleepwalking.”

“I know.”

“But, yes, it might have come up.”

I waited.

“It scared her,” Marilyn said finally. “That’s why she went to the sleep clinic. I mean, when you pulled her off the bridge—”

“She told you?”

“Yup.”

“I thought she was too, I don’t know, ashamed to talk about it. I didn’t know she had told anyone around here.”

“She told me. She was really frightened.”

“Did she ever discuss the sleep clinic?”

“Well, I guess she was pleased that they seemed to get the sleepwalking under control. At least for a while.”

“At least for a while,” I agreed. Then: “I didn’t wake up that night.” It was a reflex. I wasn’t interested in Marilyn’s sympathy or consolation, but I knew instantly it sounded like I was.

“No, it’s not your fault, sweetie. You must know that. You have to know that.”

I shook my head and went on, trying to bury my guilt like a seashell beneath beach sand. “Did my mom ever talk about anyone she met there?”

“At the sleep clinic?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why?”

“Just curious.”

“Do you know something?”

“I’m just trying to figure out her life. What happened…”

Marilyn took a deep breath. “The detective talked to me, too. Obviously.”

“So you know who I’m talking about.”

“Garrett.”

“It’s Gavin.”

“That’s right. Gavin. He said he knew your mom from the sleep clinic.”

“Did my mom ever talk about him when they met?”

“What are you suggesting?”

It was almost like patter, I thought to myself, the way Marilyn and I were dancing around the subject. It was a misdirection of sorts. And so I decided to speak as plainly as I could. “Do you think that my mom and Gavin were having an affair?”

Marilyn sighed. “No, not really. I believe it was more of an emotional infidelity.”

“I think I know what you mean, but I’m not completely sure.”

“You’re young. I think your mom and Gavin were attracted to each other, despite the age difference. Your mom had a decade on him at least. But they were never going to act on those urges. Your mom was never going to cheat on your dad. She wasn’t built that way. But she and Gavin shared something special.”

“Their sleepwalking.”

“Well, yes, but I didn’t mean that. I mean they opened up to each other in ways that I’m not sure your mom did with your dad—or with me.”

“Do you think she talked to Gavin about my dad? About their marriage?”

Another customer passed us in the aisle, an older woman in what I supposed was her husband’s red flannel shirt. We all smiled at each other. When she was past us, Marilyn answered, “Maybe. I guess she talked about whatever people who have these sorts of friendships discuss. What’s lacking in their life. What’s missing. I think a person only falls into one if there’s a hole in their marriage.”

“There was a hole in my parents’ marriage?”

“Oh, Lianna, not like that. But you had to know it wasn’t perfect. You’re a smart girl. But what marriage is?”