The Sheik Retold(77)

"Fight? I will not fight. I won't waste valuable lives because they try to force my hand. No, the time is not yet ripe for action. But since they have come looking for me," his smile broadened, "I will lead them on a wild goose chase deeper into the desert until they expire from exhaustion and exposure. Alors, there will be no bloodshed. They will drop like flies. You risked your life for nothing, ma chère."

I sat up abruptly and clutched my throbbing head between my hands. "It wasn't for nothing," I whispered. "It was for you."

"The black-hearted bastard you despise." A spasm crossed his face, but his mouth set firmer. "Only two weeks ago you threatened to take your own life at the thought of staying with me. Merciful Allah! You make no sense!"

"I didn't want to be your prisoner, Ahmed."

"And what are you now?" he demanded.

"I came of my own free will this time."

"Allah!" He laughed. "You think that makes a difference? As before, you shall remain or depart at my pleasure—and my pleasure is to see you gone."

My heart sank. Was it all such a wasted sacrifice?

He lit a cigarette and paced the carpet. "As soon as you are strong enough to travel again, Gaston will see you to Oran and onto the first steamer."

"But I don't want to go."

"You will do as I wish."

"But—"

"Do not fight me again," he growled. "You will not win!"

"I don't wish to fight! I would rather make love with you than war, Ahmed."

His eyes lingered a moment on me, and then he swore softly under his breath. He went back to the entrance and tore open the tent flap, gazing out onto his camp. "How many times, Diana?" he demanded. "How many times did that English dog have you?"

I stared uncomprehendingly at his back. "What are you talking about?"

"You refused Gaston's escort to be alone with him."

"Is that what you think?" I laughed outright. "You have no call to be jealous. Jim is nothing more than a friend."

"He is a man, one who lusted for you. I was there in the garden when he professed his desire. I saw him in Bou Saada. He wanted you still."

"That means nothing."

"Don't lie to me!"

"Please stop this!" I cried. "I am done with your senseless cruelty."

"You think that I am being cruel?" He swung around swiftly with his old mocking laugh. "When have I ever been anything else?"

"I have also known your tenderness," I said. My eyes rested on his hands, showing brown and muscular under the folds of his white robes. I knew the power of the long, lean fingers that could, when he liked, be gentle.

"You will go," he said.

"I don't want to go," I whispered faintly. "Have you made me this vile thing for your pleasure, only to throw me away?"

He strode across the tent toward me, his eyes blazing. "God! Do you think it is easy for me? Do you think I haven't suffered? That I'm not suffering now? Do you think I haven't realized what a damned brute I've been? You will go," he repeated with cold resolution. "I would rather you think me a brute now than live to curse the day you ever saw me."

I was speechless. My heart throbbed wildly. He looked down long and deeply into my eyes, and the light in his—the light I had longed for—made me tremble. Yet I knew his obstinate determination.

"I want to stay," I whispered more urgently.

His brows drew together in the dreaded scowl. "You are still out of your senses and don't know what you are saying."

"I am not. I know exactly what I am saying…what I am doing. I never lived until you taught me what life was, here in the desert. I can't go back to the old life again. It means nothing to me anymore. It is as dead to me as is the old Diana. Please. If you care for me at all…" I reached out my hand to him, but he made no move.

"If I care for you?" he roared. "Don't you know that it tore my heart out by the roots to send you away? I didn't love you when I took you. I still thought I didn't care until the night Ibraheim Omair took you, and then I knew that if I lost you, the light of my life would be extinguished. My only thought was to kill Ibraheim before I killed myself."

"Then don't send me away! If you loved me, you would not," I insisted.

"If I loved you?" he echoed with a hard laugh. "If I loved you! It is because I love you that I am able to do it. If I loved you a little less, I would let you stay and take your chances."

"It is my life. Shouldn't it be my choice?"

"By Allah, you still do not comprehend! It would be no life for you here. You would have to live always in the desert. I cannot leave my people, and I am too much of an Arab to let you travel alone."

"I am not afraid of the lonely life of the desert. I have found contentment here that was once foreign to me. It has become home…I want to make my life with you, Ahmed."

"Ma chère, you know that I am not fit to live with. You know what sort of a damnable life I have led. You know my devilish temper—it has not spared you in the past and it might not spare you in the future. You might think you love me, though God knows how after all I have done to you, but a time will come when your love for me will not compensate for your sacrifice. Do you think that I could bear to see you year after year growing to hate me more? You think that I am cruel, but I am only doing what is best for you."