The Scars That Define Us (The Devil's Dust #2)(59)

“Do you love her?” he asks.

I sit up and look at him, thinking about his question. I do love Dani, even after everything that has happened. It’s f*cking crazy. Bull’s right. Dani and I know what shitty parents are—we were raised by them. We know what not to do and know how to control urges that arise which may flow in the bloodstream to our child.

“I do,” I insist, taking a sip of my beer.

“Then don’t let her go. I can tell you, if you don’t make amends with this situation, she’s going to leave you and never look back.” My eyes snap to his. “A mother and child are something no man can make a woman choose between.” He scoots off the hood of my car and looks at me sternly.

“Don’t f*ck this up, Shadow.” He narrows his eyes at me as if warning me and walks toward the apartment building, to see Dani.

I sigh loudly, crumpling the can in my hand before letting it hit the ground with the others.

Seeing Dani try to move on last time made my heart almost cease beating. I felt the urge to feel again, like I needed to resort to my old ways of feeling—killing. Dani is my life, literally; keeps me alive and makes me feel. Losing her will more than end my existence.

I groan and fall against the hood. I usually talk to Bobby about this shit. He’s been my family way before I knew what that word even meant, way before the club. I sit up and slide off the hood of my car. I climb in and start it, the engine purring with rage, wanting to be released. I pop the shifter into first gear and dump the clutch, letting the tires eat asphalt.

I drive toward the club, not ready to talk to Dani. I want to talk to her but I need to talk to Bobby first, and I’m definitely not ready for that. How can I be a good father? I’m a machine, fueled by another’s blood. My curse is the need for control, the result, damaging everyone around me.

Mine and Dani’s relationship is no love story with some happily ever after. What we have is real. It’s dark and it hurts. Dani is angelic on the outside, but she’s an angel with black wings. This is the life of hell we’ve redeemed for ourselves. Dani and I are both destined for nothing better than the road ahead full of twists and turns, and it’s no life for a child. Her being off the path her mother tried so hard to keep her on will do nothing but bring the sinner out in Dani, but at least that’s something I can relate to. I know a lot about sinning. It’s the only thing I can do right. I like to think being together we can navigate each other through the darkness which consumes our rationality. Both raised without the knowing of what love and nurturing is, it’s only natural we are going to screw up and lose our footing in the cruel world that consists of love.

I fishtail it in the parking lot of the club, screeching to a halt in front of the doors, not giving a f*ck that Bull hates it. I pop it into neutral and pull the keys out.

“Bull is gonna kick your ass, pretty boy,” Hawk squawks at me, leaning against the building and coughing on a cigarette.

I huff. “I’d like to see him try,” I say.

I push the doors open to the club and hear some of the boys hooting and hollering at the bar. I look over and see Candy lying flat on her back, letting one of the other girls do a body shot off her chest. How did I ever find her sexy? She is plain revolting when I see her. I push the doors open to the chapel and sit down in one of the chairs, resting my elbows on the table and letting my head fall into my hands. I’m a mess.

“Wanna play some cards?”

I peer up and see Tom pulling a chair out beside me. He plops down and slaps down a stack of cards.

“Looks like you need to take your mind off things,” he says, shuffling the cards.

“Sure,” I agree, sitting up.

“Everything okay?”

“Not really,” I respond with a clipped tone.

“Yeah, I heard,” he tells me, eyeing his hand.

I look at my hand and notice I don’t have much of one.

“Yeah and what’s that?” I question.

Tom stops and looks at me over his hand of cards. I know what he heard, and he knows I know.

“How about we don’t talk about that,” I say, eyeing him back.

“You got it,” he smiles, picking up a card from the stack.

“Bobby!” Candy cheers from the other room.

“He’s in there?” I hear Bobby ask as his footsteps get louder, heading toward the double doors to the chapel.

“Mind if I talk to Shadow alone for a sec?” Bobby asks, walking in.

Tom looks at me for a second before setting his cards down on the table.

“Sure.” Tom rises from his seat to leave. Bobby circles the table and sits across from me, his eyes piercing the side of my head.

“Wanna talk about it?” Bobby asks, breaking the silence. His presence makes me angry; I’m not ready to talk about shit.

I pull my pistol from its holster and lay it on the wooden table, the metal clanking against it as it sets.

“Yeah, let’s talk,” I seethe.

“You’re looking at this pregnancy all wrong. You are going to rock as a father, and Dani is going to be hot as hell pregnant,” he smirks, my gun facing him but not affecting him. He knows I won’t shoot him; not on purpose, anyway. I glare at him, because just the thought of him thinking Dani is hot pisses me off.

We sit silently while I take in what he’s said.