The Row(60)
“I know all of this, Mama,” I say softly, but she keeps going.
“Mo-most of their evidence is completely circumstantial. There were even times when…” Her eyes well up again and she looks utterly heartbroken. “There were times when I actually wished that he’d b-been with Stacia those nights because then she could’ve been his alibi. Do you know how sick that makes me feel?”
In that instant, I start to hate Daddy just a little bit.
27
“MAMA, DO YOU REALLY STILL BELIEVE HIM? Can you still believe that he’s innocent after all he has done to you?” This time my words are quiet but clear. I stare straight at her, watching in a way I never have before for the slightest flinch, blink, or hesitation. Something to signal me of any worries or doubts, of any flat-out lies she’s been telling me.
“I did”—Mama lowers her eyes to the table—“until you told me he confessed. Now I don’t know what to think.”
“Mama, why did you stay loyal to him through all of this?” Releasing Jordan’s hand again, I reach for Mama’s fingers, but she balls them up into fists so I grip her wrists. “Why would you let him do this to you? To us?”
It takes a few seconds before she releases a long, slow breath, and she looks endlessly sad. “I thought I was protecting you.”
I can’t take the same answer again. Anger bubbles beneath my skin until I can’t sit anymore. I shove her hands away and stand up from my chair. “You weren’t protecting me, you were protecting him. If you really cared about me, maybe you could’ve helped me with things that were actually killing me inside, like how lonely it is to have zero friends, or dealing with absolute jerks at school and in our neighborhood, or knowing how to cope with losing my father. We’re only two weeks away now. Two weeks.”
I can see the pain I’m causing in her eyes, but I’ve been waiting too long to say this and trying to stop now would be like trying to dam a river with barbed wire. “Never mind. You aren’t capable of helping anyone. You always pretend you’re so strong, but now I know why. You do it because you are weak and it terrifies you to admit that.”
The room has gone blurry from my own tears. In some still-rational corner of my mind, I can’t believe the words that keep spilling out of my mouth. Mama stares at me in silent shock until a soft cry of alarm escapes her mouth.
“Riley, stop.” Jordan’s firm voice shocks me back to sanity—and I wish it hadn’t because I don’t want to see the pain in Mama’s face. He reaches up for my hand and I jerk it away without thinking.
“You’re right.” Mama gives a soft shake of her head and I see a sense of peace in her eyes for the first time in a very long while. “About everything, you’re absolutely right.”
Mama leans back in her chair and looks down at her hands before taking a deep breath. “But the lying ends now. I’ll tell you everything, Riley. I promise. I want you to know, because I see that all those things I did trying to protect you are only hurting you.”
Her entire body seems to tremble, and I run to her, throwing my arms tight around her and burying my face against her shoulder. After a moment, I hear the tinkling of glass. Looking up, I see Jordan picking up the empty bottles off the counter and grabbing the mostly full kitchen trash bag as he moves toward the back door. “I’ll take this out,” he says quietly.
He sends me a tentative smile and I mouth my thanks before he heads out to the garbage.
Mama watches him with a thoughtful look on her face. Then, without a word, she turns to me. “You need to understand why I did what I did, Riley. Why I stayed with him and remained quiet after I found out he was cheating. Your father wasn’t the only one who made terrible mistakes.”
My hands go cold, but I clutch hers tightly, afraid to interrupt her in case she stops talking. Jordan, who’d entered just as she said her last sentence, freezes in the doorway.
Mama continues. “You were two. It was before your father ever cheated. We were so happy…” She opens her mouth a few times, but nothing comes out.
I grab her a glass of water, waiting for her to compose herself a bit.
“I had to work really late one night at a restaurant I managed at the time.” She drinks a long sip of water and then takes my hand again. Jordan has silently closed the back door and moved to lean against the counter, but I can see from his face that he’s listening as intently as I am.
“Daddy always told me to stay the night or call him if I was too tired to drive, but I didn’t.” Her tone quivers. I’m so used to seeing Mama as impenetrable that this is terrifying. I’m filled with a sudden, desperate urge to escape the end of her story, to simply run out the door.
“I just wanted to be in my own bed. I was stiff and exhausted from the long night of work.” Guilt begins to drip like heavy rain from her voice and I dread what’s coming next. “I knew you were asleep and I knew if I called your daddy he’d have to wake you up to come get me, so I got in my car and drove.”
She seems willing to stop there, so I prod her a bit. “What happened, Ma—”
“I fell asleep, Riley. They tell me I rolled the car, went through a barrier and down a hill. By the time I woke up after the accident, I’d been out for several days. Your father was furious, and he would never speak to me about what I had done.” She hesitates and then plows forward, tears filling her eyes. “The baby was already gone. You … you were s-supposed to have a little brother.”