The Renegade (The Moorehouse Legacy #3)(63)

“Alex, what is it? What happened?”

He looked at her. When he spoke, his voice was so thin, it was barely audible to his own ears. “I…killed him.”

Cassandra’s mouth opened slightly. “What? No, no, you didn’t—”

He couldn’t bear to look at her because he was afraid he was going to lose it. He put his head in his hands.

“Cassandra, I let the sea have him. I let him go. I let go…of his hand…I let go of his hand. I let it go…I let go…” He broke down completely, great sobs cutting through his chest, his body. There was no end to the weeping, to the hoarse words that wouldn’t stop coming out of his mouth.

Eventually he lost his voice and the crying slowed.

He felt something grip his forearms and then his palms were pulled from his face.

Cassandra’s green eyes were full of compassion as she stroked his cheeks.

“Oh, Alex…you couldn’t have kept ahold of him. The wind, the waves, the tossing boat. The Coast Guard told me what it was like. He was taken from you. You didn’t let go.”

“I did! It happens in my dreams, over and over again. I feel him slipping and…I just let him go.”

“Shh…it’s all right. I don’t want you to blame yourself. You had no reason to want him dead—”

“I did. I do.”

Cassandra recoiled. “But why?”

He shrugged out of her hold. Got up and went to the window. “He had what I wanted. What I needed. Something I cherished….”

*

Cass watched Alex as he stood across the room. His back was straight, his legs braced. Against the yawning view of the city, he seemed as rigid as the skyscrapers beyond his broad shoulders.

“What did you want, Alex? What did he have that you wanted?”

He turned around. His face was bleak as an Adirondack winter. “You.”

Cass frowned. Leaned forward a little. “Excuse—What? Me?”

“I…have…loved you since the first day I saw you. I’ve wanted you, I’ve obsessed about you, I’ve fantasized about you. You…you are my Miracle. I let him go…because I wanted you.”

His words went into her ears, but her brain couldn’t process them.

She shook her head. “No, that’s not right. You didn’t like me.”

“I liked you too much.”

“You stayed away.”

“I had no choice.”

“You…No, you—”

“I haven’t been with a woman for six years, Cassandra. Because all I saw was you.”

She rose from the floor. And then thought that sitting on the sofa was a good idea.

“You didn’t know me.”

“I didn’t have to. When I saw the sea, I knew it was where I wanted to be. It was the same with you. One look in your eyes and I was lost. I’m like that. I know what I want and where I want to be.”

Cass released her breath. “But when we were together. You stopped. And then you said only once. You—”

“I killed your husband. How could I take your body when you didn’t know that?” He dragged a hand through his hair. “Except…Oh, God, I did make love to you. And not just once but again and again. I’m sorry. Not that I was with you, but because I wasn’t honest with you.”

She stared into space, jumbled pictures filtering through her mind.

“Just so we’re clear,” she said, “I don’t believe you killed him. I think that’s what you fear happened. But I’m willing to bet anything that you held on for dear life and his hand slipped out of yours.”

“Cassandra—”

“What was the first thing you did after you felt yourself lose him?”

“I…I went for the flashlight.”

“And what did you do with it?”

“I looked for him.” Alex’s eyes darkened to black. “I searched the waves…for a man in the water. I searched and called out his name and…”

“And what would you have done if you’d seen him? You would have gone after him, right? That’s why you were looking for him. Because you wanted to save him.” She shook her head. “Those don’t sound like the actions of a killer to me.”

Alex opened his mouth. When no words came out, he just nodded. A little.

“So you didn’t kill him,” Cass said strongly. “No matter what you think you feel for me—”

“I know what I feel for you. I love you.”

His face was grim, and his voice reverberated with conviction.

He honestly did love her.

Staring up at him, Cass was too stunned to speak. All she could do was look at him.

Say something, you idiot. The man you love loves you back. Say something.

Silence stretched out until the air grew tight between them.

God, she was just stuck. Caught in a morass of disbelief and hesitant, unexpected happiness.

Alex cleared his throat and started to back up toward the doorway.

“I’m sorry to dump all this on you,” he said as he headed out. “I just…wanted you to know. I don’t expect you to understand. But I never want to—”

Say something.

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted out.