The Renegade (The Moorehouse Legacy #3)(53)

His expression was so incredulous, so disgusted, she realized he truly knew nothing. Reese had hidden it from him, too.

She felt like apologizing and realized that was utterly ridiculous.

Alex grabbed her hand, squeezed it hard enough that her fingers hurt.

“How could he have been with someone else?” He shook his head and eased his grip. “I’m sorry. That’s a BS question to ask you. I don’t want to pry.”

Actually, it was a relief to talk to someone about it. She’d kept the whole sordid mess to herself, and the fact that Alex hadn’t known either made her feel less like a fool.

“I did wonder why and I did get angry, but I never confronted him. Now that he’s gone, I wish I had. I despise myself for keeping quiet, because if I’d talked to him, maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter now. Maybe I could have mourned him more honestly.” She shifted her legs, emotions making her restless. “I will say that he was never disrespectful. He never brought it home. And he practiced safe sex. I found all these…condoms in the suitcases he used for travel.”

She shuddered and took comfort by looking down at her hand in Alex’s. Suddenly she wanted him to know everything. Her past was another secret she kept, and she wanted to out it, too. She was so damn tired of the social-gloss and stiff-upper-lip routine she’d been clinging to for as long as she could remember.

“Did you know he invented me? Well, we invented me. I come from absolutely nothing. No money. Mother and father who drank. I was lucky that I got into a state university on a scholarship, and when I graduated, I wanted to get as far away as I could from everything I’d known. I arrived in New York City with no illusions, and it was harder than I thought.” She took a deep breath. “I got a temp job at an architectural firm and that’s where I saw my future. I went to night school to get the degree. Reese was my first real client. He gave me access to his friends, helped start my firm, supported me socially. I married him eventually because it was the only thing he’d ever asked me for and I thought I loved him.”

Cass felt something hit her face. When she wiped her cheek, it was wet. She rolled the tear back and forth between her thumb and forefinger until the thing disappeared.

“I stayed with him, even though I knew he was with other women on those sailing trips, because he loved me and he was a huge part of my life and—God, this is hard to say…I knew I didn’t love him as much as I should have so I felt as though I couldn’t really demand monogamy. It almost didn’t seem fair.” She sighed, trying to release the tension in her shoulders and belly. “I will tell you, never again. I won’t…now I would never marry a man I didn’t love down to my soul and I would expect him to be faithful. Always.”

“I thought you were both totally in love,” Alex said softly.

“We weren’t. He loved me as best he could and it wasn’t enough. I cared for him deeply and it wasn’t enough. We were…very broken. Going along, going through the motions. He must have been unhappy, too, or he wouldn’t have been with the others. Or at least…I’d rather believe that than think he was incapable of being true to someone he loved. Because that would be a serious failing, don’t you think?”

She thought back to the first four years of her marriage, when she and Reese had tried to conceive. After the night of that phone call, she’d stopped being able to make love to him. It just hadn’t felt right and he’d accepted her excuses.

God, her marriage really had been falling apart, hadn’t it?

More tears came to her eyes.

“What is it?” Alex asked.

“I didn’t want him to die. Truly I didn’t. I hear myself talking right now and I sound so bitter, but I think that’s because I’m looking at the marriage honestly for the first time. And it’s a shame that this is happening now, after he’s gone. I don’t think we would have lasted much longer together, but maybe we would have remained friends. He was a great friend. He could make me laugh—” She choked up.

Remembering the good times was so hard, but there had been some. A lot, actually.

Abruptly, she had an image of that aide in the nursing home and how awkward Alex had gotten when the woman had become emotional.

“Anyway,” Cass muttered briskly. Her momentum was lost when she hiccupped and said nothing more.

Alex let go of her hand.

Oh, hell. She should have known not to go revealing her—

He shifted around so he was lying next to her. Then he pulled her against him.

Of course, that just made her want to weep in great gnashes and wails. And not because of Reese.

Kindness from Alex ruined her. Made her see yet again that whatever she’d felt for Reese, those emotions had been something entirely different from what a woman could truly feel for a man. Gratitude, respect, affection, warmth, it had all been part of a mix she had thought was love.

But she knew what had been missing now. The core of her had remained separate, apart from Reese.

Not so with Alex. Tragically.

As the great swell of emotion passed, she became aware of the smell of him, his aftershave mingling with a subtle scent that was only Alex. She felt his thigh running along hers and the thick pads of his pecs under her head. The warmth of him seemed to seep through the comforter and into her body.

She tilted her head up and looked at him. His eyes were closed.