The Redemption(4)

Fingers rub assuredly, a confidence in the action. I feel. Feel. Feel. My head drops back as his touch drives me closer. I want. Want. Want. I move, rocking on top of him, increasingly selfish in pursuit of my own ecstasy. With a gasp, I catch that elusive sensation that makes me feel Heaven and Hell equally. “Oh God! Cory!”

Everything stops.

Just when I peak, I fall back into reality, well aware of the damage I just caused. I open my eyes, seeking his out. It’s not a soft gaze I find but a glare cloaked in hurt and shock. I’m still, afraid to move at all, but the words come tripping out. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. So sorry.”

Then shame fills my racing heart. “Oh my God! What have I done?” I’m swift to my feet as disgust fills my soul. “What have I done?” I mumble again. Cory’s face flashes in my head, memories of his laughter ringing in my ears as a torturous reminder. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” Not sure what to do, I stand there mortified.

“You wanted this,” Dex says, sitting up. His voice sounds as confused as I feel. “You f*cking wanted this. You wanted me.”

His words are messing with my head as guilt slithers in, drenching me on the inside. How could I betray Cory like this and with Dex, his friend? “Fuck. I’ve gotta go.” I run for my jeans, pulling them on, then drop to my knees to feel for my shirt. I slip it over my head and stand, my thoughts are like broken nerves, the pain of what I’ve done covering the raw ends like pinpricks of shame. I feel Dex’s gaze heavy on my backside as I put my shoes on and run out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

Down the staircase and through the party-goers, I run for the front door, not bothering to shut it or look back this time.

Outside, I stand on the stairs that led me away from his bedroom and the disgrace, hoping I can escape the cramping in my chest. I hate Hollywood and their f*cking valets and mansions. Humiliation like this needs a quick escape, but I have to wait for my car to be pulled around. When it is, I jump inside, relieved that I didn’t run into anyone I know while waiting. I leave through the gates of the neighborhood and speed home. My hands are shaking, so I hold the wheel tighter.

What would Cory say? I’ve disrespected his memory. What will Johnny say? He barely tolerates him since his drug use almost destroyed the band. He would never support me and Dex being together. Shame coats me. And Holli? Will she be disgusted that I gave into a physical desire instead of using my head and mourning quietly like I’ve done for the last six months? Will I be able to face them if they find out? What if Dex tells them? I’ll become one of his many, but this time with a face, a name for them to judge. Will I be able to face myself? Look in the mirror without feeling disgusted for a lapse in judgment?

I flip the visor down and open the mirror. The lights are bright, making me squint. When my eyes adjust, mascara is smeared on the left corner. My cheeks are flushed, not from the night or the rash exit, but from sex and lust, desire, and dishonor—everything I had managed to avoid until tonight.

Flipping the mirror back up, my eyes fill with heavy tears. I hope to find physical safety in the distance from him before they fall. But no distance will protect me from betraying the memory of the man I loved so much.





One month later…



The phone call comes just as I return to my car after dropping Neil at preschool. I’m strapping CJ’s carrier into the base when the ringer sounds. I double check the straps before answering and climbing into the driver’s seat. “Hello?”

Tommy sounds panicked as he asks, “Rochelle, I need a favor. Can you meet me at your house in thirty minutes?”

“What’s up? What’s wrong?” I can’t lie, my heart is thundering in my chest, knowing something is wrong.

“It’s Dex. I need you to come with me.”

There’s no question I’ll go because I’d do anything for the guys. I drop CJ off at his grandmother’s. Luckily, I had already arranged the visit and I can run my errands tomorrow. I drive back home and spot Tommy’s silver Mercedes G-Class parked at the curb. The gate closes behind me and I take my purse from the passenger’s seat and walk toward him. I get in the SUV and buckle in. He says, “He’s been missing for three days—”

“What? Why am I just hearing about this? Where is he? Is he okay?”

“He’s f*cked up, Rochelle. Johnny can’t know. We just hired the new guys and are talking shows and tours for the first time…” He turns back to the road and I see his hands tighten around the wheel. “…since Cory’s death. If Dex blows this, the tour will never happen and the band will be done.”

“Damn it, Tommy. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

We hit the highway and he’s off, way over the speed limit. “I know what happened… between you two. He told me. His head’s all messed up… I should have seen this coming.”

I stare out the windshield, watching as we pass car after car after truck, staying quiet. I don’t want to talk about that night or what happened.

“Rochelle?”

When I turn and look at Tommy, he says, “It’s okay. I understand. And I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you,” I whisper. Setting my elbow on the door, I tilt my head, resting it against the glass. “Where are we going?”