The Problem with Forever(133)
Truthfully, I was okay with...with myself. I wasn’t a hundred percent, and that was okay, because I was a work in progress. There were moments when things felt too much, like the other day when I had to stand up and deliver another speech. There were other situations, especially when I thought about the fact that I’d be in college in less than a year. Or when I found my mind wandering to Jayden. Death was frightening and overwhelming. Sometimes, when I thought about what Ainsley was facing in the future, I stressed out for her.
I still had a lot of work to do and that was my work to complete and it was my voice that needed to be heard when I needed to speak. No one else. It was me who had to carry myself over the finish line, and all I needed to remember when I felt like not trying was that that feeling wouldn’t last forever.
Forever.
I used to believe it didn’t exist. One word had terrified me as a child and haunted me. But now I knew, in many small ways, that it was real, but it didn’t scare me anymore. Forever wasn’t the little girl cowering in the closet. Forever wasn’t the shadow sitting in the back of the class. Forever wasn’t doing what I thought Carl and Rosa wanted instead of what I needed to do with my life. Forever wasn’t believing I was some kind of replacement daughter and that I was letting them down. Forever wasn’t being the one who needed protection.
Forever wasn’t pain and grief.
Forever wasn’t a problem.
Forever was my heartbeat and it was the hope tomorrow held. Forever was the glistening silver lining of every dark cloud, no matter how heavy and thick it was. Forever was knowing moments of weakness didn’t equate to an eternity of them. Forever was knowing that I was strong. Forever was Carl and Rosa, Ainsley and Keira, Hector and Rider. Jayden would always be a part of my forever. Forever was the fire-breathing dragon inside me that had shed the fear like a snake shedding skin. Forever was simply a promise of more.
Forever was a work in progress.
And I couldn’t wait for forever.
*
Acknowledgments
Writing a novel that dealt with childhood neglect and abuse and their long-term effects meant I would be delving into a world a lot of people may find it hard to look closely upon. A world where some want to believe that what Mallory and Rider suffered are complete works of fiction. It wasn’t easy to equally represent all the good in the services designed to protect our children while recognizing that some have and still do slip through the cracks of an underfunded, overworked and understaffed system.
Some have asked why I chose to set The Problem with Forever in Baltimore. I grew up not too far from the city, and I almost always try to have books take place in areas I am well familiar with, and I’d been to Baltimore more times that I can count. But I believed the city itself is more than just a backdrop to the story. In a way, the city is also a character, which, like Rider, Mallory, Jayden, Ainsley, Hector, Keira and the other characters in this novel, is full of beauty and hope, yet has often slipped through the fingers of our nation.
The Problem with Forever was not an easy book to write. Mallory was unlike any character I’d ever written, but as I realized at the end of the book, there is a bit of “Mouse” in all of us. So there are several people I need to thank who believed in this story and helped bring the book together.
Thank you to my agent Kevan Lyon for supporting The Problem with Forever and being the awesomely awesome agent that she always has been. This book would’ve never happened if it was not for Margo Lipschultz and the entire team at Harlequin TEEN. Thank you to Mallory Dodge and Rosa who let me use their names.
There were a few people who were of special help to The Problem with Forever. A special thanks to Ashlynn King who read a very, very early partial and didn’t want to gouge her eyes out with a rusty spork. I guess I should thank her mother, Tiffany King, at this point, because she adeptly dubbed this book one of my horcruxes even though the last time I checked I didn’t commit a great evil. I think. Another big thank you to Vilma Gonzalez for also reading an early draft and not laughing outright in my face and having so many ideas on how to make this a better book. I cannot forget Damaris Cardinali, who helped me with all the Puerto Rican in The Problem with Forever, and didn’t lose her patience with me when I was losing patience with the fact that you can say one thing three different ways in Puerto Rican. Thank you to Jen Fisher who helped with a lot of the homeschooling information, and who has always read early and been honest about her feels... or lack thereof. A big thank you to Danielle Ellison, who helped me come up with the perfect title in Twitter DM style.
A special thank you to you, the reader. Nothing that I do would be possible without you and your support.
And thank you to Margery Williams for writing The Velveteen Rabbit, a book I hated and loved at the same time as a child. I think all of us, at the end of the day, just want to be real and want to be loved.