The Problem with Forever(114)

I thought about what Carl had said yesterday and I understood that feeling, but I wasn’t sure if Rider was giving Mrs. Luna enough credit. Or giving himself enough credit.

“It’s not a big deal,” he added.

“I think it is.” I slowed with the traffic and glanced over at him. He was still staring out the window, tracing his fingers along the glass. I took a breath and then gave voice to thoughts I’d kept to myself. “I don’t think...you realize how much Hector and Mrs. Luna care about you—how much Jayden cared about you. I don’t think you believe you’re worth it. It’s the same with your artwork and art school—with college.” My hands tightened around the steering wheel and certainty filled me. “You’ve given up on yourself before anyone else has a chance to.”

Silence greeted me.

I could feel Rider’s stare on me. Several moments passed. “That’s bullshit, and kind of priceless coming from you. You gave up on me yesterday.”

I started to defend myself, but I couldn’t. I swallowed hard. “I know. You’re right about that, but I’m also right.”

“And how’s that?” Challenge hardened his tone.

“Because I give up on myself on a daily basis,” I admitted. My cheeks heated but I continued. “I know.”

He sucked in an audible breath. “Mallory...”

I shook my head as I thought about all the conflicting emotions and needs and wants. “It’s true. It’s what I do. I don’t mean to. Or maybe I do. It’s...it’s easier being scared of everything.”

“How...how can that be?” His voice softened. “How can that be easier?”

My smile was faint. Suddenly, I really wished I was at home, with my head under the blankets. “You can’t fail when you don’t really try, right? You’d know that.”

Rider cursed under his breath, and he didn’t say anything after that. As I pulled into the parking spot a few houses down, I figured coming to talk was a bad idea, so I didn’t turn the car off.

The click of Rider unbuckling his seat belt echoed. I looked over. “Maybe we should...we should talk later.”

“What?” He paused with his hand on the door. “No. Not after what you just said. You’re not giving up without even talking. Especially not after you just called me out for virtually the same thing.”

Well, he had a good point there, but I hesitated.

“We’re here. Okay? Let’s talk.”

The urge to run back to school or home rode me hard. I really couldn’t even believe I’d left school and was sitting outside Rider’s house—the house that didn’t feel like a home to him.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Rider waited until I grabbed my bag and got out of the car before he did, almost like he expected me to drive off the moment he stepped out. I followed him up the block, shivering as the wind lifted the hair off my shoulders.

The house was quiet as we walked in and it smelled more like pumpkin than apples this time. Before I could stop myself, I looked over at the wall behind the couch. Out of all the framed photos, I saw Jayden immediately. It was a Christmas photo, possibly from last year. He stood in front of a festively lit tree, smiling broadly at the camera while he held a Puerto Rican flag in front of his chest.

My chest grew tight, squeezing until I thought my heart would just stop. I couldn’t believe he was gone.

My gaze crawled across the wall of photos, and I saw them—pictures of Rider mixed in with Hector and Jayden’s, like he was family.

Because he was family.

I hadn’t noticed them before, but Rider lived here. How could he not see that?

Rider didn’t head for the kitchen. He made his way upstairs and I followed him up, into the bedroom he barely spent time in.

He flipped on the light. The first thing I saw was the copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. It was on his nightstand. I dropped my bag on the floor.

Rider sat at the chair in front of his neat, probably never-used desk. “My phone died sometime Saturday night,” he began, and I slowly faced him. “Do you remember us talking about that earlier? It was down to ten percent before...before everything happened.”

I sat on the edge of the bed.

“I wasn’t ignoring your calls and I kept meaning to get someone else’s phone to call you, but things were crazy. Some of the guys were trying to get everyone to go after Braden and Jerome, and I was trying— I was keeping Hector home, because I couldn’t...” He cleared his throat. “I can’t lose him, too.”

“I knew you were busy. I didn’t freak out over you not returning my calls. I...I came over because I wanted to be there for you. I needed...to be there for you. That’s why I came over.”

“I didn’t know Paige was going to be here.” His eyes met mine and he didn’t look away. “I had no idea. I swear to you, I had no idea she was going to be here.” He paused, his shoulders rising. “She was really upset. Paige has known Jayden and Hector for years. She and Jayden got on each other’s nerves, but they cared a lot about each other.”

I closed my eyes. I got that. I really did. I imagined brothers and sisters argued like they did. Jayden and Paige were a lot closer than Jayden and I had been, and despite everything, I felt bad for her. But none of that changed how I felt when I saw her and Rider.