The Problem with Forever(105)

Rider dug in, holding Hector back as he kept shouting, “That’s my brother?” Over and over, he asked and each time it was like hearing the shots pop. “Aw, man, no. No. No! That’s not Jayden. That’s not him. That’s not him on the ground!”

My heart caved in on itself. The blare of the sirens grew closer, drowning out everything except for Hector’s broken, shattered voice, the sound of absolute heartbreak.

*

Red. Blue. Red. Blue.

Hours later, and I could still see the flashing, whirling lights. It didn’t matter if my eyes were open or closed. I could still see them and the sea of blue uniforms that had swarmed into the street and the parking lot.

Everything had been a blur of questions and faces, and I didn’t know how much time passed. Police asked me questions I couldn’t answer. Then two men in suits were there, asking the same questions. I was separated from Rider, pushed back by the EMTs and then the police. The crowd had thickened, and it took me forever to get back to my car and find my bag. I’d tried calling Rider, but my hands were shaking so badly.

He’d found me, though, stalking out of the crowd. I’d cried out when I saw him and he moved to touch me, his hands hovering on either side of my face, but he didn’t.

“I’ve got to stay with Hector,” he’d said. “Go home and stay there.”

“But—”

“Please, just get away from here. Please,” he said again, his face leached of all color. “Just get away from here. Go home and stay there, okay? I’ll call you when I can.”

My heart had been thundering in my chest. “I don’t want to leave you. Not right now—” I started to look to my left, where yellow tarp had been draped. “I—”

“Don’t look. God, it’s already too late, but don’t look.” He’d shifted, blocking my view. “Please, Mallory. Please get out of here.”

That was the last thing I wanted to do, but he was begging me and I’d never heard Rider beg before, not even when he fell under Mr. Henry’s fists. So I nodded, and Rider had kissed me then, a hard, almost brutal kiss that tasted like anger and fear. When he walked away, I wanted to follow.

But I got in my car and I drove home like he’d begged me to. In a numb daze, I parked my car and grabbed my bag. Feeling like I was walking through sand, I went inside and winced at the familiar, normal noises.

Carl was in the study, to my left, talking on the phone. Chuckling. Living. In the kitchen, I could hear water running.

“Mallory?” Rosa called out. “You didn’t answer my text. Is Rider coming over for dinner?”

A dry, barely audible laugh rasped out my throat. Rosa was trying. She really was, but Rider wasn’t coming over for dinner. I didn’t respond. I dragged myself up the steps. I heard Rosa call my name again, but I kept walking.

Once inside my bedroom, I stopped in the middle of the room and turned in a slow circle. I saw everything, but didn’t really see anything. I sat on the edge of the bed, forcing myself to take deep, even breaths as I rubbed my hands on my tights.

Pressing my hands to my face, I covered my eyes and opened my mouth. I screamed but there was no sound. It hurt nonetheless, ripping apart my throat.

I tried to process what just happened, but all I could think about was Jayden walking up to my locker my second day of class. He’d tugged Paige’s braid, called her a ghetto Katniss and then talked to me like he’d known me for years. All I could think about was Jayden in the car the first day of school. I could hear his laugh and if I breathed deeply enough I was sure I could still catch the earthy scent that clung to him.

I wouldn’t see, hear or smell any of that again.

Gone. Forever.

I didn’t understand.

He’d said he had different goals now and he was finally listening to his brother and Rider.

“Oh my God,” I whispered.

“Mallory?” Rosa’s voice was closer, at the top of the stairs. “You didn’t answer...” She appeared in the doorway, her eyes widening. “Mallory!” She rushed into the room. “Dear God, what happened?”

I stared at her for a moment and then looked down. I yanked my hands off my legs. The tights were stained, soaked a dark red. “Oh my God...” I must’ve knelt in Jayden’s... My stomach turned.

“Mallory.” She clasped my chin with cold fingers, tilting my head back. “What happened to you? Your face? Are you okay?”

In a distant part of my brain, I realized that this was the most panicked I’d ever heard Rosa. She was always so calm and collected. Always so in charge, but she was touching me, smoothing my hair back from my face and she sounded like I felt inside. Out of control.

“Talk to me, honey.” She knelt, grasping my hands and turning them over. The skin was raw and red. “Tell me what happened?”

I shook my head. The physical pain I felt was nothing. “I... Jayden is dead.”

“What?” She blinked, and only then did I realize that she didn’t know about Jayden. Not by name. “What are you saying?”

I met her dark gaze and the words tumbled out. “They shot him. He was walking across the parking lot and they pulled up in a car and they just— They just shot at him—shot him. He was standing there and then he was gone.” I shook my head. “I don’t understand. They just drove up and started firing. He is—he was only fifteen, Rosa. He was...”