The Private Serials Box Set(58)

Still, I didn’t cry. I never let go of the control of my body, except for the tears that still slid silently down my face. That was something I couldn’t control. In the dark, tears spilled. But I managed to keep it to that – just tears. No sobs. No hiccups. No wailing. I needed to keep something for myself, and control was the only thing I had left. I would give no more of my body to a man who hadn’t wanted it to begin with.

For three weeks this had been my nightly routine: Go to bed with the intention of shutting my brain down, then give in to the relentless flooding of memories of Preston. I hated it, but I think I loved it more. It was sadistic and completely debilitating. Every morning I looked like I hadn’t slept a wink, and in truth, I wasn’t sleeping much.

But today I needed to look better than I felt. Today I had a job interview with a prominent marketing firm on the island. It was an entry-level position. I would be starting from the bottom and working my way up, but for once that was going to be a relief. Never had I worked for much of anything. I’d had a lot of things handed to me, and I was through with handouts. I wanted this job, but mostly because it would be the first thing I’d ever earned.

I took the bus downtown, dressed in the nicest outfit I’d purchased since I’d been on the island; something I bought especially for the occasion. I felt confident and attractive, and hoped I looked competent and approachable. I watched the amazing scenery pass by my window, still in awe of the beauty the Hawaiian Islands offered. It was, by far, the most breathtaking place I’d ever been.

The bus dropped me off at a stop just blocks from the building which housed the firm. The walk allowed me to work out some of my last minute jitters. I hadn’t been through a job interview since I was just out of college, so I was hoping my skills were still intact and just lying dormant, waiting for the right moment to show themselves again.

Luckily, the woman I interviewed with seemed to take to me from the very instant we met, and forty-five minutes into my interview, I found myself shaking hands with the human resources manager and accepting a job offer.

I should have been ecstatic. I should have been overjoyed. And even though I was happy and a bit relieved, I couldn’t grab a hold of the joy that was just out of my reach. The sorrow was still too thick to wade through and it clouded everything that might have brought me a smile in the past. When someone gets a new job, one they desperately need, excitement should be immediate. But I was morose.

With one giant “To-Do” ticked off my list, I settled into a large and comfortable recliner at the nearest coffee shop to browse the housing ads in the local newspaper. With an iced mocha by my side, I let out a sigh, and prepared myself for what I had always heard was an expensive housing market.

I did a general sweep first, looking at one-bedroom apartments or rentals, finding the results to be a little intimidating. I still had plenty of money saved from what I walked away with, but I wanted to be smart with my money, especially since I wouldn’t be seeing a paycheck for at least another month.

“Excuse me,” I heard a female voice say, and turned to see a woman looking at me with a pleasant smile on her face. “Hi,” she said cautiously. “I couldn’t help but notice you were looking at the ads for apartments.”

I looked down at my newspaper with big, dark circles around the apartment listings I’d found. “Uh, yeah,” I answered hesitantly.

“Oh, my gosh,” she exclaimed, taking the chair right next to mine and setting her oversized purse on the ground next to her feet. “Isn’t it ridiculous how much they want for a tiny little studio apartment? I mean, I knew Hawaii was going to be expensive, but I wasn’t prepared for this kind of expensive, ya know?” She looked at me expectantly as she took a sip from her drink.

I nodded. “I agree, it is a little outrageous.” I smiled at her because it seemed like the polite thing to do, but I wasn’t sure what else to say, so I just went back to looking at my newspaper.

“Where abouts are you looking to move?”

“Um,” I put my pen down, relenting to the fact that we were going to have a conversation. “I’m not sold on any particular area, just someplace not too far from my job since I’ll be taking the bus for the foreseeable future.”

“That’s smart,” she said, nodding. “I’m not looking in one area specifically either, just trying to find something I can afford.” She paused, sipping again through her straw. “Where are you staying now?”

“In a motel.”

“Oh, my gosh, me too! Isn’t it horrible? The place I’m staying is decent, but I’m tired of sleeping in someone else’s bed.”

“I am too.”

“I’m staying at a little motel not far from here. But the woman who runs it is so sweet. Her name’s Rose and she has nearly become my surrogate mom since I got here.”

My ears perked up at the mention of Rose. “You mean Rose at the Sea Breeze Motel?”

“Yes! Oh, my gosh, you know Rose?” she said excitedly.

I laughed. “I’m staying there too, and she is like a surrogate mother.” I smiled now, a sincere smile, because Rose really was a lifesaver. She had come to check on me multiple times during the first two weeks I was there, making sure I wasn’t wallowing all the time. Even though I’d never told her the reason I’d come to the island, she had been able to figure out it had to do with a man. She’d given me all the advice I’d expect a mother to give, although, Rose wasn’t a mother.