The Private Serials Box Set(44)
“Hey, it’s fine. I’m really sorry your family went through that. I can’t imagine…”
“I know. It’s not something anyone should have to go through. We did, though, but I’m okay.”
“So your parents kept you on a tight leash then?”
“Extremely tight. I couldn’t even talk to boys on the phone until I was sixteen, let alone get in a car and go on a date with one. I was never allowed to sleep over at friends’ houses and it took every trick in the book to finally convince my parents to let me get my driver’s license.” I stood up and took my plate to the sink and Preston followed me. He took my hand, led me into the living room and pulled me down onto the couch, setting me right between his thighs so my back rested against his front. I let myself relax into him, enjoying the warmth his chest was giving me, smiling as his arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me to him.
“I’m sorry you lost your sister,” he whispered into my shoulder, gently kissing me there. “But it sounds like you lost a lot more than just a sibling.”
I nodded. “Perhaps.” My mind was racing, not accustomed to thinking about Nadia and how her death affected me or my life. My little ploy to learn more about Preston had backfired and now I was lost in my head, connecting dots I’d never really seen on the same page before. “My parents, protective as they were, had a very specific plan for my life. They had a very clear and safe path laid out for me, and I never questioned them. I never once thought for myself or thought about whether or not what they wanted for me was what I wanted for myself.”
“Do you think that’s why you ended up with someone like Derrek?”
“Oh, I ended up with Derrek because it was exactly what my father wanted. There’s no doubt about that. But it wasn’t only his fault. I loved Derrek. The guy I met my sophomore year of college is not the same man I’m married to today. But my whole life, my father tried to manipulate me to do what he wanted. It all came from a place of love, but it was suffocating. I was sent to an all-girls school so I wouldn’t get caught up with boys. I was forced to volunteer after school, which made it impossible to have a social life. My parents needed to know where I was and what I was doing all the time, and even though they were only scared of losing me, they ended up pushing me away.”
I snuggled closer to Preston, letting my mind run away with me and allowing my mouth to speak the words I’d only ever thought before, never said aloud.
“When I met him and my parents found out who he was and who his father was, they made it easy for me to be with him. They gave me some slack, but they didn’t really give it to me; they gave it to him. I was allowed to move out of the dorms my junior year, but only if I moved in with him. They allowed me to choose my major, but only because I could use it to work for either my parents, or his, one day. When I graduated, they gave me enough money for a down payment on a house, but only if I bought the house with Derrek. They made me save the money until I was married and then gave it to him when we were ready to buy our first home.”
I stiffened as I thought about the deaths of my parents and how every single part of my father’s business had been left to Derrek. I had been a pawn in my father’s game, only used to acquire the son he’d been longing for his entire life. A son capable and qualified to run his business. I’d been something he could bargain with, something he was willing to give up if it meant he’d gain a son.
My eyes closed as I felt Preston’s lips gently move from my shoulder up my neck. He wasn’t trying to seduce me; he was trying to comfort me. He was listening, so I kept talking.
“Throughout my marriage, I constantly asked for things from Derrek, but it was never a decision just made by him and me, it always involved our parents. Like having a baby. I wanted a baby so badly. I wanted to have children young. I wanted to be that young, beautiful pregnant woman who still had enough energy to run around with a five-year-old. I wanted to be a grandparent young enough to have sleepovers and take my grandkids to the park.” I felt that familiar prickling in the back of my throat and knew I was close to tears.
“Now, I’ll be lucky to have kids at all.” I paused and took a deep breath, still trying to fight off crying. “Every time we spoke about children, he kept talking about ‘The Plan’. He and my father had a plan, a big plan apparently, and kids didn’t fit into ‘The Plan’ right away. He always told me ‘later,’ but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t ever going to give me children.”
That thought was sobering. If I hadn’t found out about his secret life, if I hadn’t decided to move on, he might have denied me children forever. At least now I had a chance.
“You never just went off the pill?” Preston murmured the words against my cheek, his hand brushing over my bare arm.
I laughed. “It wouldn’t have worked. He never trusted me and always used a condom.” I turned so my cheek was resting against his chest. “It’s okay. I’m better off this way. I’m glad I never made a child with him, then I’d be tied to him for the rest of my life.”
“You’ve got time,” he whispered in my ear.
“I know,” I replied, just as quietly. My heart rate spiked as I formulated my next question. I thought about not asking it at all, but wanted desperately to know the answer. With my fingers trailing faint circles along his forearm, wrapped tightly around me, I asked quietly, “Do you think you ever want to have children?”