The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss Book 2)(53)

“I was thinking about that earlier today, even before he showed up. There are other ways I can make money in the summertime. I can tutor or even just get a normal waitressing job in a nice restaurant. No more bars. I only have two weeks left anyway. Summer’s almost over.”

“No more bars,” he practically growled. The words sounded more possessive than predatory, and even though it was slightly inappropriate considering the circumstances, I couldn’t help the fact that his voice did things to my body. “Tomorrow we go to the police station. My mom can watch the kids.”

“Okay,” I said, my voice breathy and soft.

He was quiet for a few minutes and as they ticked by his body slowly relaxed beneath me. I kept running my hand over his arm, splashing warm water on our bodies, just enjoying the way it felt to be held by him.

“You’ve been off for a few days, Grace. This isn’t just about what happened tonight. I can feel it. I know something else is bothering you. I just wish you’d tell me.” He paused for a moment, then gave my hand a squeeze before he spoke again. “Are you still worried about the photos?”

I tried not to react to his words. His breath against my skin made goose bumps break out, but the reason behind his words made me tense as I remembered the conversation I’d had with Shelby and all the things I still had to tell him. “I don’t know. Sort of. I think the photos just made me start thinking, and that was a bad idea in general.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before I unload on you, I just kind of want some sort of reassurance that you won’t think less of me afterward. I feel like a shitty person already, so just promise me you won’t hold it against me.”

“Babe, as long as what you’re saying is how you really feel, I’ll never think less of you. I might not always agree, but I’ll never look down on you for how you feel about something.” After he said the words, he pressed his lips against my neck and I cherished the connection, fearing it would be gone soon and I’d never have it again.

I took a deep breath and hoped this wasn’t the last conversation we’d have as a couple. I knew I had to talk to him about it, to let him either make me feel better or confirm my fears. Either way, it wasn’t fair to him to keep the thoughts to myself any longer. “You know you don’t have to worry about Jeff, right?”

“What do you mean?” Confusion laced his voice.

“I mean, if Jeff showed up on my doorstep next week, I’d tell him to go to hell. I’d slam the door in his face. He’d have no shot. You believe me, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied, still confused.

“Why do you believe me?” I asked, hoping to prove a point.

He didn’t answer right away, but eventually said, “Because you’re with me now.” My lungs snagged on a breath.

Damn.

When I didn’t respond immediately, his arm around my shoulders squeezed. “Talk to me.”

“You didn’t have a nasty divorce from your wife. You didn’t have a falling out, or even a fight. When your relationship ended, you were still in love with her.” He didn’t even miss a beat before he responded.

“Yeah.” The one word was light and easy. There was nothing to deny, so he didn’t even pretend.

“It’s hard for me because I feel as though I might never measure up.” Once the words fell out of my mouth I was both exhausted and relieved. Simultaneously. I’d never had a sentence take so much weight off my shoulders, and the tired feeling that came over me only emphasized how deeply I had been holding that truth in, how far down I’d had to dig to find it.

The quick and easy response he’d had just a moment ago did not come as easily that time. He was quiet for too long, making me nervous. When he finally did speak, it was soft words.

“I’m not going to lie and tell you that being with someone other than my wife was easy at first. That’s why I hadn’t dated anyone since she passed. It was a struggle for me, at first. Dealing with being attracted to someone else. It felt foreign and wrong. But running into you at Jaxy’s school, feeling that connection, that was the first time I’d felt anything close to what I felt for Olivia.”

It was hard listening to him speak; trying to make me feel better but not really saying anything to put my mind at ease. I wasn’t sure if there was anything he could tell me that would make it easier, but he hadn’t yet. I felt the distinct pinch in the back of my throat that told me tears were coming, and I didn’t want to cry in his tub with his arms around me. If I was going to cry, I wanted to do it at my own apartment, in my own bed, where I could sob all I wanted without worrying about ugly crying in front of him.

“Do you understand me, Grace? A part of me died right along with Olivia, and I was almost certain it would be dead forever. But then I saw you and something inside me sparked alive again.”

Oh, God.

“I’m not the same man I was with her. The man in love with you right now, the man whose arms are around you, he’s not the same man who loved her. She’s gone and he’ll never be back. But I’m here, with you, right now.”

My lip stung as I bit down on it, trying to keep in the sobs. The hurt in his voice cut right through me like a knife. The arm that had been wrapped around me moved, and his hand pulled my face up to look at him. His gaze pierced mine and his breath panted across my face.