The Orphan's Tale(89)

The other girls have finished dressing now and are heading to the big top. But Astrid lingers. She pulls out a bag, softer than a suitcase, which I had not noticed before, tucked under one of the dressing tables. She rearranges something in the bag, which is small enough so as not to attract attention. The belongings she will take with her.

The lump in my throat reforms and grows larger. “You’ll send word, of course, to let us know you are safe?” I ask, my voice no more than a whisper. She does not answer, but nods slightly as she continues pressing down the clothes, trying to make a bit more room. Of course, I will not be here to receive her message. I will be gone and she will not even know it.

Impulsively, I reach to hug her, but she stiffens and holds me back. I flush, slapped by the rejection. “What is it?” I wonder if I have done something to anger her once more.

“I’m not going.”

“What do you mean? Of course you are.” For a second I wonder if she is joking, but her expression is serious, eyes somber. I prepare to remake all of the earlier arguments about how she cannot stay and how foolish it would be to waste the pass. “You’re going,” I repeat.

She shakes her head. “You are.”

I stare at her in disbelief. “I don’t understand.”

Astrid is holding out the envelope that Luc had brought. “You need the pass. To take Theo and go.”

I do not reach for it and her hand dangles in midair. “You can’t give that to me.”

“You’ll take my kennkarte,” she continues. “The photo is not that good. If you dye your hair, keep your head low, no one will know you aren’t me. And you will be able to take a child on the papers.”

“You can’t be serious.” I step around her to the bag she has been packing, rummage through. Beneath a thin layer of her own clothes are Theo’s cloth diapers and spare booties. She has been planning this all along.

Then she holds out the pass to me once more. “You must leave tonight, just before the show ends. There’s a train station, not the one we arrived at but another, about fifteen kilometers south. You will take the train to Lisbon and get the pass at the consulate.” She makes it all sound so straightforward, like going into town for bread. “Then use Erich’s money to buy a ticket...” She continues on with her instructions, but I do not hear. Luc’s face appears in my mind. I am supposed to be going with him, starting a life together.

Noticing the hesitation on my face, she stops midsentence. “What is it?” she demands impatiently, as if I am questioning her judgment on an aerial routine.

The pass is Astrid’s one chance at survival. And she is willing to give it all up for me. “I won’t take it,” I say. “Staying here as a Jew is suicide.”

“Exactly. Which is why you need to take Theo and go.”

“The pass is yours. You have to use it,” I persist, standing up to her more than I ever have.

“I’ve thought it all through,” she replies, undeterred. “This is for the best. It’s the only option.”

“There’s another way.” I take a deep breath. “Just take Theo. That way you will both be safe.” The words scratch my throat like shards of glass. I could give her Theo and then they would both be safe. But letting go of him would kill me.

“No, Theo belongs with you,” Astrid insists. “You’re the one who must go.”

I am going, I think. With Luc. But of course Astrid does not know this. She is willing to give everything for me. And I am still lying to her.

“Astrid,” I say slowly, “I am going.”

“I don’t understand,” she says, her forehead knotting. “You just said you won’t take the pass. So how can you possibly leave?”

“No, but Luc...” I start.

“Him again?” she cuts me off, eyes narrowing. “The mayor’s son. What does he have to do with anything?”

“He’s here, in Alsace.” Storm clouds seem to form in her eyes. “He brought the letter here from your brother,” I add, hoping that it will help. But I can tell from the fury in her eyes that it hasn’t.

“You promised, no, swore to me, that you wouldn’t see him again,” she flares. “Yet you did, even after everything he cost me.”

“I didn’t... That is, I didn’t mean to,” I protest weakly. Then I stop, unwilling to lie again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Luc’s going to the Maquis.” I wonder if this will make her respect him more.

But her anger does not seem to soften. “Then good for him.” Good riddance, is what her tone really seems to say. “And safe journey,” she adds, without warmth. I feel myself growing angry at Astrid. Luc tried to help Peter, risked his own life to bring her the letter from Jules. And yet for everything he has done for us, she still cannot allow herself to accept him. She hates him for who he is. She will never see him differently. “I still don’t see what that has to do with you taking the pass,” she adds.

“Luc has gone to make contact with the resistance and then he is coming back. He wants me to go with him.” There is silence, Astrid staring at me in stunned disbelief. “And Theo,” I add. “Luc wants to care for him, as well.”

“When?” she asks finally.