The Mutual Admiration Society(50)

A. Signs point to yes.

Of course they do, because as much as I’d love to get that vicious kid sent out of the neighborhood and straight over to the House of Good Shepherd Reform School until he can be permanently sent to prison—mark my words, someday he will end up committing even worse hideous crimes than skin upholsterer Ed Gein—there is no denying the facts:



Butch isn’t as skinny as the guy I saw last night. The high school dropout is built more like the safe at the First Wisconsin Bank on North Ave. (Another spot I might have to heist someday.)



The initials on the back of the St. Christopher medal are J. M. and his aren’t. (Almighty God bestowing upon that turd the initials of B. S. only goes to prove once again what a great sense of humor He has, which is exactly what I’m banking on when I step into the box at St. Kate’s to do my Shirley Temple confession.)



Seeback definitely wasn’t the one who shouted out, “I’m warning you! Watch yourself! You’re treading on dangerous ground!” last night. (His voice is as recognizable as mine.)





While Birdie finishes up visiting with Daddy, instead of trying to keep everything that I gotta do in my head, I take my stubby pencil and my navy-blue detecting notebook out and use the back of the gravestone Mr. McGinty bought for us to update my list. Daddy won’t mind. In fact, I’d bet my allowance, if I got one, that he’s feeling a whole lot better about the direction the investigation is going now, which is good, because I don’t like to picture him rolling over in his grave, if he could.



QUESTION OR SURVEIL

Mr. McGinty.



Kitten Jablonski.



Butch Seeback.



Mr. Johnson.



Suzie LaPelt.





Whenever someone says that famous saying “Killing two birds with one stone,” it reminds me of my sister and I gotta reach for my Tums, but it seems to me, that’s what we have to do next.

Killing bird #1. After the very short Mutual Admiration meeting, the three of us will race over to St. Kate’s before Father Ted leaves to go to Lonnigan’s for his lunch of Jameson’s neat.

Damnation!

I hate the hoops this mother of mine makes me jump through. It would save so much time if I could just sign the book in the church lobby as proof that I went to confession, but I tried that once already and it didn’t work. Louise outfoxed me. She checked with her biggest confidential source in the neighborhood who she can always count on to rat me out—#5.



SHIT LIST

Gert Klement.



Butch Seeback.



Sister Margaret Mary.



The grease monkey who fixes cars at the Clark station and tries to peek in the little girls’ room window when you got to stop to tinkle because your sister can’t make it home from the Tosa Theatre after she drinks a large root beer.



Brownnoser Jenny Radtke.



What’s-his-name.





Radtke, the kid who is always the only one left standing next to me during a spelling bee, was only too happy to snitch to Louise last week that she saw me “loitering around the Milky Way with Birdbrain and Cue Ball” during the time I was supposed to be loitering around the confessional with Father Ted. (I got off easy, because Louise doesn’t know that making me go to bed without one of her “gourmet” suppers is not a punishment.)

Killing bird #2. When I’m at church, it’s going to cost me, but I’ll have the chance to question Kitten Jablonski. She’ll be there, without a doubt, because same as me she’s always one of the last kids to confess on Thursday and she always saves me a spot in line. I’m hoping that my confidential source will be able to give me some names to add to a new list that I’d love to make in my navy-blue detecting notebook: VERY LIKELY SUSPECTS THAT AREN’T MR. MCGINTY.

Long as I got my pencil out, I remove my most important list from my shorts so I can add on the new #10 and #11 and change #2.



TO-DO

1. Take tender loving care of Birdie.

2. Solve whatever happened to Sister Margaret Mary for big blackmail or reward bucks.

2. Hope we don’t find out why Mr. McGinty kidnapped and murdered Sister M & M and concentrate on finding someone else who did.

3. Make Gert Klement think her arteries are going as hard as her heart.

4. Catch whoever stole over $200 out of the Pagan Baby collection box.

5. Practice your Miss America routine.

6. Learn how to swim.

7. Be a good dry-martini-making fiancée to Charlie.

8. Do not get caught blackmailing or spying.

9. Just think about making a real confession to Father Ted, before it’s too late.

10. Stop at Bloomers for pink roses for Daddy.

11. Think up a catchy slogan for Louise that might help her beat Mrs. Tate in the election so she doesn’t blame Birdie and me when she loses.



After I make sure the updated list is safely tucked back where it belongs, I crane my head around the corner and say to Birdie like I’m walking on eggshells, because ya never know with her, “Honey? I’m sorry, I don’t want to rush you, but—”

“It’s okay, Tessie.” She stops patting her sticky hands against Daddy’s gravestone and polishes it back up with the bottom of her T-shirt. “I know we gotta have our meeting with Charlie now.”