The Mother's Promise(50)

“All right, well, if you’re sure—”

“I’m sure, Sonja. Good-bye.”

Alice turned back to the window, but Sonja didn’t leave right away. Even with her back to her, Alice could feel her there. For a moment Alice wondered if behind her strange immovable face, Sonja was more fragile than she seemed.

“Sonja, I—”

Alice turned around just as the door closed with a gentle click.

*

Alice was still standing at the window when the car pulled up. She waited for the door to fly open and Zoe to come tearing out of it. The car ride would have been excruciating for her. Alice had asked Sonja to organize a cab for her, but (of course) that was against the rules.

Zoe’s door opened a crack but she stayed put in the car. Alice strained to see into the car. Zoe was looking at Kate, her head nodding, her mouth moving. Talking. Perhaps not starting a conversation but at least answering questions. It was … unexpected. Zoe barely talked to Alice when they were in the car! Seeing her talk to Kate, Alice felt a surge of pride, followed by another feeling that she couldn’t quite define. But both those feelings were quickly forgotten when Zoe finally emerged from the car, locked Alice in her gaze, and began to run, full-pelt, up the stairs toward her.

*

Once, when Paul was drunk, he asked Alice if she ever resented Zoe for coming along and ruining her life. Zoe was three.

“You used to have a life,” he slurred. “Friends. Prosperence.” (“Prosperence,” Alice decided, was a mash-up of “prospects” and “prosperous,” so she didn’t bother to correct him.)

She should, of course, have been outraged at the question—the very idea of asking a mother if she resented her child—but it was hard to invoke that sort of feeling about something Paul said, particularly when it was something so utterly laughable.

The truth was, Alice herself had been unprepared for how much she would love Zoe. She liked kids well enough, admired their honesty, among other traits. But she hadn’t understood the way she’d become addicted to Zoe’s smell, the feeling of her nestled against her hip, the way she would call spaghetti “sketetti.” Most of all, she didn’t understand how addicted she’d become to the way Zoe loved her. Sometimes Alice wondered if she liked that a little too much. Sometimes she wondered if Zoe had ruined her life, or if it was the other way around.

*

A week after being released from the hospital, Alice sat on the couch, leafing through her mail, while Zoe sat on the floor, folding laundry. In some ways it felt as if nothing had changed. Apart from the great wound on Alice’s belly, and a diary full of chemo dates, things had effectively returned to normal.

Zoe looked up at her, holding a white shirt.

“Kate has a shirt like this,” she announced.

“How nice,” Alice said, trying for a smile. In the past week Zoe must have mentioned Kate’s name a dozen times. Not a ridiculous amount, Alice conceded, but a lot for Zoe.

Kate did a speech at her wedding and got the hiccups.

Kate has a little sunroom that’s nice to sit in.

Kate has a giant house.

Kate. Such a pretty, inoffensive name, and Alice was starting to find it quite irritating.

“It would look really good with a chunky necklace,” Zoe said, “or with a sweater over the top, you know, layered?”

“It would,” Alice agreed. She wanted to add that she wore layers all the time. That Kate didn’t actually invent layering. But that would have sounded mean-spirited. Alice was relieved when there was a sudden knock at the door, so they could finally stop talking about Kate.

“It’ll be Dulcie,” Alice said, shifting forward in her seat. “Give me a pull to standing, would you, Mouse?”

Alice reached out her arms, but Zoe beat her to it, heaving herself off the floor in a flash. “I’ll get it.”

Alice was stunned into silence. Zoe never answered the door. Even now she didn’t look entirely comfortable. Her hands shook and her cheeks were already flaming. But she was crossing the living room and wrenching open the door. Was she dreaming?

“Oh, it’s you,” came Dulcie’s voice. “Here, my grocery list. And tell your mother I don’t want the generic brand of canned tomatoes. But not the fancy ones either, too expensive. I like the ones with the yellow label and—”

“Actually,” Zoe said, her voice wavering slightly. “My mom isn’t well. She’s been in the hospital. She can’t even do her own grocery shopping, let alone anyone else’s.”

There was a pause.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” Dulcie said.

“You could go yourself,” Zoe suggested. “Or you could pay the grocery store to deliver. Or you can leave your list with me and I will do it when I can. But right now I’m looking after my mother.”

“When you can? But I need these things—”

“You heard your options. Push it under the door if you want me to do it. Bye, Dulcie.”

Zoe closed the door.

“Did you … did you actually just do that?” Alice said.

Zoe blinked as if she couldn’t quite believe it herself.

“What just happened there?” Alice said.

A little smile started. “I just didn’t think about it,” Zoe said. “That’s what Kate does, when something scares her.”