The Memory Book(46)

“Thanks for coming to get me that night,” I said.

“No need.”

I gave him a look.

“You already thanked me a million times,” Coop said.

“I did?”

“Yeah.” He was squinting against the sun, which had just made an appearance. “Do you remember what happened?”

I can gather from what I wrote, but that was mostly nonsense. I shook my head.

He began to tell me, but as he spoke, shame and fear began to snake in my gut and wrap my head, throbbing at the beginning of a headache.

I asked him to stop.

I went inside, got my laptop, and handed it to him. I told him I would rather read it later. I didn’t tell him why.

I would rather he write it because written words seemed more malleable and distant than words coming out of his mouth. He was the only person who really saw the moment, and the only person, at this point, who had seen me get that bad. Because of him, I would be here, stuck, deteriorating for the rest of my life.

Then again, if Coop hadn’t seen my calls, if he hadn’t left the party, I might not have a life left to deteriorate. At this point I’m not sure which is worse, but I won’t get into that.

And there was another reason: this way, if I didn’t like what had happened in the written words, I could delete them from my memory book. That seemed more satisfying than forgetting things he said out loud somehow.

He scrolled up and down on this document before I said, “Hold on! Just… don’t read any of it. Just start a new page and write it.” He looked at me, brows furrowed. “Please,” I added.

“Are you writing a journal or something?”

“Something like that.”





well i started at nervig’s at about 7 o’clock, but he was already too drunk to drive to get the kegs so i went back to norwich to pick them up. when i got back it was about 8 o’clock and people had started to arrive. i had to help carry and set up two kegs on my own so again, i was not drunk, and at about 9 i saw i had missed your first call. i called you back but you didn’t answer. then you called me again about 15 minutes later and i picked up. you weren’t talking directly into the speaker so i couldn’t understand you but you kept saying, is this coop, is this coop, and i kept saying yes, yes, and eventually you got on the phone and made sense. you said you were lost, and i said, didn’t i text you the address? and you were like yes, but you couldn’t remember where you were. your voice was very shaky and you did not sound happy. so i asked you if you wanted me to come get you, and you said, yes, please, and then you sounded like your normal self again. you were like, coop, i’m fine. i’m just lost. i’ll figure it out, and hung up.

but that didn’t seem right to me, so i called you back, and you didn’t answer. i called again and again, and at that point i was kind of debating whether or not to just let it go, to be honest. sorry if that’s hard to hear but this is kind of a therapeutic thing for me, too. to write this down. i can understand why you do this. it was really hard to see you like that, and kind of hard to relive it now, but it’s good.

anyway, i was debating, because katie kept trying to pull me back to the party, even though she and i aren’t technically together, we just hook up. all your friends were there, too. i asked maddie if she had heard from you, and she said no, and i thought about asking that stuart guy i see you with, but i didn’t feel like it, and it looked like he was checking his phone all the time anyway, and if you had called him, then he would be leaving.

but he didn’t leave, and when you called me again and all i could hear were sounds of cars passing by, i left right away.

you were just a half mile from the party. i found you crying in the driver’s seat. i thought you were just drunk or something so i laughed at you and i feel bad for that.

i’m sorry.

i got you to take the passenger seat and figured i would drive you home.

then i realized something else was very wrong, because sometimes you called me cooper, sometimes you called me sir, and sometimes you would remember you were supposed to go to a party, and sometimes you would ask me how i was, and say that you hadn’t seen me in a while.

i took you home and as we walked up to your house, you sort of came to and asked me what I was doing there. and i told you, and you thanked me over and over and gave me a hug, which was nice of you. :) we woke up your parents and they took you to the hospital and that’s pretty much it.

now you’re sitting next to me texting someone. probably stuart, i’m guessing. i hope that guy knows what he’s in for.


^^^ What’s that supposed to mean??


why are we still typing


Because I want to curse you out, you *, and Davy’s sitting right there.


it was supposed to mean that you’re not the average girl sammie, it was supposed to be a compliment Oh, because I’m like ailing or whatever. Like someone can’t have normal feelings for me because my liver’s enlarged and shit.


i mean, it’s a fair assessment


No, that’s true, Coop, but you can at least humor me while I have the first real relationship in my entire life and probably the last. So why can’t you just be nice?


oh like you guys are serious huh


Yeah, I think I could be in love with him.