The Memory Book(35)

I know how love works, Future Sam, I read about it in National Geographic. It’s a firing of neurons and a release of dopamine, what neuroscientists call “attachment chemicals,” and this combined with the evolutionary imperative to reproduce creates a conditioned pattern of behavior. You seek out your love object for the same reason you seek out another piece of candy: because you want those sweet feelings again.

But no one ever told me how easy it would be, how good it would be. I mean, they did, they tried, Shakespeare tried, the Beatles tried, but I still didn’t know it would be like this.





COOPER LIND’S GUIDE TO ALTERNATIVE RESOURCES


Went over to Coop’s backyard to get his “guide to alternative resources,” which was mostly just an old legal pad from middle school full of doodles of Garfield doing slam dunks, occasionally interspersed with ideas, but there was good stuff in there. We sat on the fence between our properties like we used to. I wrote more notes and Coop pitched a football at a nearby tree, trying to hit the center.

Okay, and if this is the official record, let it be known I will only be using these as necessary. Necessary is defined as only at risk of failure. Failing grades on finals could bring Bs and Cs in overall grades, which could threaten my valedictory status. Otherwise, I will be shooting straight all the way to the end.


(List edited heavily to exclude seducing people in my classes and having them give me all the answers)

? “the printer smudged this, can’t read it,” while teacher is looking at the paper, glance at neighbor’s test; especially effective for math tests. [USE FOR CALC FINAL]

? go to the bathroom immediately before and as soon as people start turning in their tests, as to avoid suspicion, but when there, check phone for refreshers. [USE FOR AP LIT QUIZZES, esp. multiple-choice section]

? evade test dates in order to take the actual exams in “alternative situations,” aka alone after school, when textbook can be accessed. [AP EURO]



After I copied everything down worth using, I said that phrase to myself, Well, I have everything worth using, and what Maddie said the other day popped into my head, so I said, “Coop, I’m not using you, am I?”

“Like… wait, what?”

“Like taking too much from you and not giving back.”

“No! No,” he said quickly, running to get the football from in front of the tree.

When he came back, he said, “Trust me, I’ve been used before, and this is not using. You asked for what you wanted directly, and I said yes.”

“Who used you?”

Coop shrugged. “Girls.”

I hopped off the fence. “Yeah, right.”

He threw the ball again. “They flirt with me to get into parties, get booze, drugs, new friends. It’s the way it goes.”

“It’s not just that.”

“Sometimes it’s not.”

I held up the pad. “They flirt with you for your Garfield drawings.”

Coop snorted. “You used to draw those Lord of the Rings characters that looked like turds. I’m surprised you don’t have a boyfriend by now with those skills.”

I smiled, staring at my hands, thinking of Stuart’s lips on mine.

“What the hell is that look?” Coop was staring at me, eyes wide.

“I don’t have a look.”

His voice got lower. “You have a boyfriend?”

“No…”

“Who is it?”

“No one.”

Coop ran to get the ball. As he ran back, faster this time, he asked, “Who is it not?”

It was hard to resist telling him. It was also hard to keep out a tone of see, I’m not a loser, ha-ha. “It’s not Stuart Shah.”

“Oh,” Coop said, and looked away. “Cool.”

That time the football sailed beyond the tree, and the next one, too.

As he ran, he yelled over his shoulder, “See you.”

“I wasn’t—” I began, but I remembered he used to do that a lot, when he wanted to be alone. He’d always say good-bye before you’d ever thought about leaving.





LOOK, TEXTS FROM STUART SHAH


Holy shit, this is crazy. I accidentally shampooed my hair three times yesterday, just thinking about him and, yeah. Doing what we did again.


Stuart: Mariana’s reading tonight at the Dartmouth library and she asked me to read with her!!!

Me: OMG. Congratulations!

Stuart: It’s at 5. Come?

Me: If I can finish the Blindness essay due tomorrow, yes.

Stuart: Well, what are you doing still texting me? Write write write!

Me: hahaha

Stuart: See you at 5. ;) Me: God willing

Stuart: I didn’t know you were religious.

Me: I’m sorry, I meant dog willing.

Stuart: GO WRITE SO I CAN SEE YOU!





BLUE RASPBERRY


I finished my essay at 4:45, and all the way to the library, I did that awkward thing between walking and jogging that people do when they cross the street in front of traffic. When I got there, the library was packed, rows of chairs in the lobby filled up with people spilling into the shelves, and Mariana stood behind a microphone, already reading.

Stuart was in the front row, his head bent, staring intently at the floor, listening.