The Lovely Reckless(49)
“Unless you’re suddenly perfect and I missed the memo, you don’t get to judge me,” I yell, even though anger isn’t what I’m feeling. I’m scared—of Marco and how easily he sees the truth about me. Of myself and how much I can’t see.
“Say whatever you want about me, Frankie. Odds are if it’s bad, it’s probably true.” Marco rubs the back of his neck, dark clouds churning in his eyes. “I’m a screwup. But you aren’t. Promise me you won’t do anything that stupid again.”
Why does he care?
My eyes burn, but I won’t cry in front of him. “I just want everyone to leave me alone.”
Marco reaches out and touches my cheek. “You sure about that?”
I stare at my sneakers.
His expression softens. “Every once in a while, the universe gives us what we ask for, so just make sure you’re asking for the right things.”
“What do you ask for?”
Marco looks stunned, as if no one has ever bothered to ask him a question like that before. We aren’t as different as he thinks. Part of me wants to tell him that—to take some of the sadness out of those brown eyes—but I’ve already let myself get too close.
“I want Sofia to graduate,” he says finally. “To go to college and get out of the Downs. I want Cruz’s dad to stop beating the crap out of her.”
“None of that is for you.”
He keeps his gaze focused on me. “There’s no room in my life for what I want.”
“But if there was?”
“I still couldn’t have it.” Marco stares at the ground between us, hands shoved in his pockets. “Some things aren’t meant for guys like me.”
CHAPTER 23
UNSOLVABLE EQUATIONS
The ride back from V Street consisted of lots of apologies from me and icy stares from Lex. I avoided the subject of my risky, ledge-walking behavior, and she didn’t bring it up, either. Instead, Lex tortured me with the street-racing statistics she looked up online while I was racing—fun stuff like the number of annual deaths and arrests.
Lex is still angry with me the next day, and she barely talks to me on the way to school in the morning. We’re halfway to the rec center in the afternoon when I try to break the ice.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the race.”
“Why would you?” She shrugs. “You don’t tell me anything.”
“That’s not true.”
She looks over at me. “Are you serious right now? Before you started at Monroe, we hardly talked at all. When Noah died, you shut me out. I called and texted you all summer, and you almost never responded. And if I tried to make plans or come over, you gave me a bullshit excuse. I thought things would change when you transferred to Monroe, but now instead of ignoring everyone, you only ignore me. If you didn’t need me to drive you to school and the rec center, I’d probably never hear from you.”
She’s right, and it kills me.
“I’m sorry.”
Lex pulls into the parking lot and cuts the engine. “Don’t be. You have new friends, and if you don’t want to hang out anymore, just say so. Because I’m tired of being the only person in this friendship.”
The thought of not talking to Lex at all makes me realize how important she is to me. “I screwed up, Lex. It’s just…”
I’m the shittiest best friend in the history of shitty best friends.
“What?”
“It was you and me and Abel and Noah for such a long time. And it’s hard to think about him.”
Her expression softens. “That’s what this is about? I thought you were trying to replace me.”
“I just wanted to forget.”
Lex throws her arms around me. “As long as you don’t forget about me, too.”
I hug her back, and my eyes flicker to the front of the building.
The three shirtless basketball players are watching us. Two of them flick their tongues at us, and the third guy has added a new crude gesture to his repertoire.
“Look.”
Lex glances at them. “They really are assholes.”
“Agreed.”
She gestures at the door. “Now get out of here before you end up with more community service. I’ll pick you up at seven.”
I watch her drive away as I walk up the hill.
Dirt clings to my sneakers, and I realize it’s everywhere. I never paid much attention before, but there’s almost no grass around the rec center—not even under the abandoned playground structures behind the building.
Dad said there is no grass on the playgrounds in 1-D. At least the ground here isn’t littered with dirty needles and burnt aluminum foil. In a strange way the rec center feels like an island all its own—a place safe from the world around it.
It’s not the Heights. The air here smells like rubber and damp soil, salt ’n’ vinegar potato chips, and the perfume aisle in a department store, but that’s okay.
The air smells like something else, too.
Asphalt.
The scent gets stronger, and I hear Noah laughing.…
“You’re such a liar.” I’m barefoot, in cutoffs and a tank top.
“I’m not lying.” Noah shrugs, wearing board shorts and his X Games T-shirt. “It’s my favorite smell after cotton candy.”