The Loose Ends List(81)

Francesca dims the lights and starts the video. I have no idea what to expect.

Gram’s face pops up. She’s wearing the green cardigan that hangs past her fingertips. She’s looking past the camera, squinting her eyes. “Is it on?” she says. “Is this taping?” A voice from behind the camera says, “Yes, go ahead.”

Gram shifts in her seat, clears her throat, and begins. Not one person in the room is breathing right now.


If you’re watching this, I’m dead. I hope you are surviving without me. I was the glue that held this family together. That’s not up for debate. But stick together, and you’ll be just fine. Oh, and please be nice to one another. That includes Mary and Brit. Don’t argue. Just be nice.




So let’s see, a wise young lady—thank you, Maddie—gave me the idea to do a Loose Ends list. It didn’t make sense to start a bucket list when I was dying. But tying up loose ends, that’s what I needed to do. So I came up with some good ones, and I checked them off one by one. I have to say, I had my reservations. But you all behaved marvelously. I’m proud of you. I’m going to share the list now.



She unfolds a piece of paper and starts reading.


One. Smoke marijuana. It didn’t do anything for me. I prefer a good glass of champagne and a macaroon.




Two. Visit Rio. I loved it. Especially the beach scene.




Three. Find Sneffels and prove Mother wrong. We sure did that.




Four. Take Rose back to Bled, where it all began. What a thrill to find that tree!




Five. Spend one more unforgettable night with Celia. We’ve still got it, Bobby.




Six. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. At least one of my grandkids better carry on the bloodline.




Seven. Lay my dear Martin to rest. I apologize one more time for not telling you all in advance about the ashes.




Eight. Make peace with Aaron. I’m sorry for being difficult, Aaron Levine. You’re a good man, a great husband, and a fabulous father, and I love you.




Nine. Watch the old movies. Bobby, you and I fell in love in the jazz clubs and movie houses. I’m in love all over again. Better and deeper than ever, baby. That’s a private joke.




Ten. Forgive someone unforgivable. That was Heinz. I knew he was a Nazi all along, and I chose to forgive him. I hope you all will work on forgiving people sooner than I did. And forgive yourselves. Life is too short.




So I’ve done what I set out to do. We crammed a lot in, didn’t we? I hope you all do big things. Make them count. When it’s all over, you’ll be sad, but not nearly as sad as if you screw around and sit on your behinds.




By the way, there’s plenty of money to go around, so there better not be any squabbling. Wes and Aaron, the North Foundation is yours if you want it. You’ll be able to help plenty of poor kids in Rio and all the caged animals of Taipei if you are so inclined. And Billy, I’m so glad you’re taking on the Taiwan scholarship program. Your father would be so proud of you. I’m giving Titi and Joe Rose’s Charleston house, and Billy and Wes get Bermuda. Take Tessa Rose to play in the pink sands. Trish, you get the apartment. I hope you’ll get out of the insufferable suburbs and do what you were meant to do. Mary, you get a big wad to squander as you wish. No regrets, darling.



She sets the paper on the floor next to her and stares into the camera.


Maddie and Jeb, Brit and Janie, money isn’t free. You don’t get a cent until you finish college. Do you hear me? And remember: Sex is not love, drugs don’t make you happy, and the only real music is jazz music.




Don’t waste too much time grieving. You’ve got a lot of living to do. And as much as you love me, I love you more.



She blows a kiss. The screen goes black.

We’re still not breathing.



“How about a smoothie with your old buddy?” Bob says, putting his arm around me as we walk toward the elevator.

I have a feeling Gram set this up.

We order smoothies and find a corner on the pool deck, somewhere between the Grotto and the Skinny Dave chair.

“I’m sad, Bob. I just can’t stop being sad.” The tears come again.

“Be patient, kiddo. It’ll come.” He turns and faces me. “You know when you fall and get a big old bruise on your leg? That bruise isn’t going anywhere for a while. But it takes longer to heal if you’re pressing on it all the time.”

I motion for him to wait while I grab napkins from the bar and blow my nose.

“Be gentle with yourself. Listen to good music. Eat good food. Nourish your body and your spirit, and you’ll be all right.” He gives me a big Bob Johns grin.

“How do you smile all the time? You’ve lost practically everybody. How are you not miserable?” I shouldn’t have said that. Stupid Astrid-blurt gene.

“I haven’t lost everybody. Sure, I’ve lost my parents and two sisters and my wife and Astrid. But I have children and grandchildren, and look who I gained by losing Astrid: you.” He lays his hand on my arm. “That’s how life works. The pain of losing doesn’t get less with each person I lose. But I have the wisdom of knowing the pain isn’t forever. That fades. The memories stay. And the love isn’t going anywhere.”