The Lonely Hearts Hotel(27)

He felt like something was missing from his life, almost as if something was supposed to happen by the end of each day but never came about. It was like reading a book and finding out at the end that the last two pages had been torn out. He often checked his pockets, not knowing what it was that he felt he had misplaced.

He could never really get to know anybody in the way he had known Rose. He wanted to visit her, but he was afraid of seeing Sister Elo?se. He thought that somehow he would be a little boy again and that she would be able to hurt him. Finally he decided he would take matters into his own hands and go visit Rose. He would simply tell Sister Elo?se to get out of his way. He was pretending to be a rich man now, and he wanted to tell Rose that he loved her and that he was not the degenerate she believed him to be.

He drove the car quickly down to the orphanage. He spun the steering wheel as though it were a lock whose combination he was solving. He honked his horn the whole way. He honked it in part so that everyone would stand back and he would get there faster. But he also honked it out of joy. He imagined Rose hearing the honking and looking up from scrubbing the floors, knowing it was him. He was like a flock of geese announcing their return from the south, and that all the false rulers should get right the fuck out of their thrones. The pigeons sitting on top of statues should move over.

Sister Elo?se, having heard the ruckus of his car, came to the orphanage gates to investigate. She was surprised to see Pierrot, and to see the outfit he was wearing. Perhaps if he had been wearing anything else, she wouldn’t have been so cruel to him. But although she had braced herself for his presence one day, she wasn’t quite ready for the figure he cut as he stepped out of the car. If anyone were to see him, they would never have known that he was an orphan. He wore a tailored suit and polished shoes. He had a wonderful haircut. He reached into the backseat and pulled out a bouquet of flowers wrapped in brown paper. The flowers looked all tousled, like children who had been awakened by a fire alarm in the middle of the night.

His manner too made him seem rich. He was light on his feet, the way rich young men without a care in the world are.

For a second Sister Elo?se thought the flowers were for her. Then she realized she had been an utter fool. As Pierrot leaned against the gate, the bouquet was tilted toward her; there were roses inside, and she knew who they were for. She felt so deeply humiliated by her assumption that her face went red. How many times would she be surprised that he had forgotten his promise to love her?

Pierrot hoped Sister Elo?se would just pretend that what had happened between them hadn’t occurred at all. It was criminal, after all. He began by playing that game, hoping she would go along with it.

“I’d like to see Rose, please.”

“She isn’t here anymore. She hasn’t been here for years.”

“Ahhhh! Of course she left years ago! Because I sent her a lot of letters and not one of them was answered, which led me to believe she was not receiving them. Because, as I’m sure you will concede, Rose always had a particular fondness for me. And an affection like that doesn’t dissipate every day.”

“You’d be surprised. Romantic love is a mirage. It was created by the devil—and like most of his creations, it is very short-lived.”

“I understand. You know I’m always grateful when you share your life philosophy with me. And it is an interesting theory. Nonetheless, I would like to have Rose’s address. We’re both eighteen years old, and there’s no harm in giving me her address. Even if she doesn’t want to see me again, at least she can tell me that, and I’ll be fine with it. It’s just that we never got to say good-bye to one another. It gives me a feeling of loose ends.”

“Do you think I would give you her address so you can disturb her? You idiot. Don’t you realize how many years it’s been? She’s married. She has three sons. I don’t know very much about her husband, but I understand that he’s very brutal.”

“I never came to visit her because I was so frightened that she was angry with me.”

“How stupid. How weak. You should have been much more courageous, don’t you think?”

“Yes.”

“Why would she like you? You’re a pervert. You seduced me. You ruined my life. You were the one who started all that filth between us. You’re going to hell. I’ll never forgive you. I told her about us.”

“You did? Why? You said we were never going to tell anyone. What did she say?”

“She wept like a baby and then said she never wanted to see your stinking face again. She was very thankful not to have been led into temptation.”

And then Sister Elo?se walked away, satisfied that she had thrown water on that squalid little passion once and for all. Pierrot hurled the flowers on the ground. He yelled out once, facing the city, his back to the orphanage. He stood there for a moment, waiting to see whether his shout would have any effect at all, whether it would cause the city to topple down. It did not. He got in his car and quietly drove off, convinced only of his own cowardice.

? ? ?

IT WAS TRUE what Sister Elo?se had said. He was a pervert. He was grotesque. He was only good for dirty thoughts. He hated himself.

As he drove home, he spotted a group of girls, each wearing a beige beret, which made them look like a cluster of mushrooms. He stopped in front of them and invited them to climb into the car with him. He thought that he might make love to every single one of them. They all giggled and yakked at the top of their lungs. They were having a swell and dangerous time, until they heard a honking behind them.